Lost Thoughts.

     2015 Has been a long year, with both good and bad changes, and a lot of growth. The older I get, the harder it is for me to put it all out there. Perhaps because there is more at stake it feels.

     In 2015 we moved to NC, we moved recently to a new place within NC as well. We tried 4 different dogs to have a second dog in the family. I started 2 new jobs, I started 4 new gyms, we owned 3 cars, and paid off another car. Daniel went to Special Forces selection, rebreaking his ankle, I regained control of my health and weight, watched and completed over 5 series on netflix, I also had my first needle to my mouth since I had my 2 front baby teeth pulled. I also did my first Crossfit competition. 2016... 2016 brings another move, this one closer to my family, it brings a new motorcycle into my possession, new friends, and more time to accomplish the things I constantly am aiming for. I had intended to start school very soon, but the Army reserves has proved to be one of the not so well ideas in my life, thus funding for that didn't occur.
     In 2016 we plan to pay off another car, I plan to continue to push myself to make friends, though hard when you know you are soon leaving. I've worked very hard the last 4 months to reclaim control over myself when it comes to fitness and food, which felt very lost after being married. This past year I also struggled with how to let my spouse be financially free within reason and not be controlling in that area. I feel I have finally come to peace and a balanced place in that area but obviously there is always room for improvement.
     I've started watching the walking dead to see what the hoopla was about. All I can tell... people like watching dark shows with hope. I can agree I like the hope, but not at the same level of brutality. I feel like I have enough darkness in my life, or walk around with enough of a cloud following me that I don't need to spend my free time watch humans have their guts eaten. Day after day there is something that happens, whether the dog runs away, or the Army says one thing and does another. I get my plans and my life ready to go in one direction and I find out moments later that we still aren't allowed to live normally and we still don't have control of our lives.  We were about to sign the papers to own a home, and we found out we are moving. Those kinds of things are so very hard for me to accept. The fact that my life isn't my life. And Daniel reminds me more than once that life wouldn't be like this if we weren't married, but that's no way to live; it's for better or worse.
     I'm excited to be in TN again, near both our families. I am not excited to move again, or to leave here. I have really come to love my job, friends and life here. One year is the longest I've lived in one state since I was 17. I know we will be at the next spot for a while as well.. and we have friends there.. but I do greatly value the ones I have made here, and the effort put in to make those. We will see how it goes.

Everything About Relocating and Marriage.

     It's been four months now that we have been at Ft. Bragg in North Carolina. It's been four months being out of the special operations community, four months of not so amazing scenery, four months of being a waitress, and four months longer being married and being a military spouse. I have evolved. Let me tell you. Four months isn't long at all, but we are humans, we search for homeostasis and normalcy. A sense of routine and belonging, and to be more knowledgeable.
     Pros and cons you say.. Pros of Ft. Bragg, serving, and Fayetteville..

• There's still pine trees like in the PNW.. which for the many that don't know what that is.. Pacific North West.
• There's 2 commissaries and 2 PX's. 
• Unlike Washington, you can be away from everyone but still not be that far from civilisation.
• I pick my own schedule practically.

     We won't go with the cons. Why? Because there's no reason to focus on the negative. I wish I could take for an hour about the amazing things going on over here but... To myself we live a boring life. I almost said normal, but I am totally aware of our lack of normalcy. I work nights and weekends, he works days. I spend my mornings and lunch with him so we still get some married time. I drink Starbucks nearly daily. I pack his lunches, and I drive home to get more lunchables when there's a surprise 24 hour shift. My husband works 24 hour shifts. That's not really normal. We find things like walking around the Commissary (grocery store) entertaining. I get a call at 5:24 in the morning asking if his wallet is on the counter. That is also normal for us!

     In Daniel's life happenings, he has and has not settled in to this new normal. He is planning on going to Special Forces selection in a short 2.5 weeks. Which would have us here another 2 years.. or forever. It's a close promotion, and it's a lot of work. But that's about all his life is revolving around these days.

     In my life happenings, got here and got my job serving rather quickly. I then decided that I should get a second job. Which turned out horribly. The management was awful and I left after 2 days. I now find myself working mostly Friday to Monday which I'm not really complaining about.  I was greatly battling with binging, food addiction and just overall personal image since we have moved in together.. about last July. While of course I love living with my amazing husband, I don't have the freedoms that I did when I was single when it comes to being alone.. never eating out.. only cooking for me. Which has been a problem. At my fattest ever I was 161, I'm not close to 145. A nerve racking 15lbs since we moved in together in July. I returned to Jenny Craig which saved me for about 6 weeks. Then life happened with several events and 2 weeks went by of not coolness. Now.. I find myself trusting a total stranger to plan my macros and lifting, and I'm being a boss. For the first time in at least 2 years, I'm eating over 2000 calories. You can consider me a chronic dieter, then binger. Since we got married. But as of this week I'm a boss. Not a binger. I've met plenty of judgement on all fronts with my fitness and food issues. None from Daniel or family, rather people who instead of attempting to understand, just... don't attempt anything at all!

     I've made two very good friends since our relocation, I've become the super excited owner of a sectional couch... a lifelong dream of mine. There's dreams that are attainable.. and those you pray to God are attainable before you die. This was a very attainable one! As far as my Army status.. I'm on my way into the IRR as in not drilling status, because there's not unit around me that has my job skill.

     Our fur baby is happily adapted to the new scenery. You may have seen how she now has a small yard she romps in, and sun bathes in. She finds herself in her cage about 6 hours a day, but she also appreciates my couch choice, it seems to be the perfect launching pad when fleeing from her humans. She now also has a place for her cookie jar since we live in a legit living space and not a hole in a wall. Though those times are the most fun part of merging two lives.

     We will now touch on what effects does getting married quickly have. Well the most obvious, you don't know the person all too well. We've found we are in fact opposite people. I have ever flowing and renewable energy... He could sleep till he dies. I like to workout, he likes to lay out. I like to cook, he lies to microwave. I like to cuddle, he likes to play Family Guy. I like to work, he likes to play video games. I like to drink protein shakes, he likes to drink beer. I live in sweat pants, he always beats me and eats jeans while I look like a sloth. I spend my time working on self betterment, he would rather just video game or sleep. I feel like pets shouldn't be left in cages for long periods of time, he is positive they will survive. These things aren't things that are crucial, though we have had several disputes about some of them. That's part of the initial adjustment to merging two lives. It's an ongoing process, we are still marriage babies.

     There's also so much fun in being married. I mean... if you have never lived with a young male, it's quite a trip. You'll come home to spaghetti hanging off the counter, or walk in the door and he greets you with pride about his vacuuming while you were away, or how if you don't pack his lunch he will just pay for 3 meals from taco bell for the day with a soda in between. They have awesome come backs, and are quick on their feet. In my case they have no clue how to be handy or work electronics, or yell "HELP" when they have gotten in the shower and forgot a towel. Nothing like a heart attack to find out they just were without their tacticool drying device!

     All in all, we have had a smooth and worth while transition. We have made the best of it, and we continue to do so. There's always days anywhere when you say it wasn't the best decision, but if you look at the long run and over all time we have had here, it's been ok. And we have been a lot happier as a married unit.

Expectation Vs. Reality and the Choices that Follow.

     I'm slowly learning that we expect everything to go one way. I expect to get 12 reps of squats in this 1:00 minute, or I expect that I will be able to take care of a full time job and a child, or I expect that this coffee is not going to be so hot that it burns my mouth. Well, when those expectations are not correct... we have to make decisions. Do we lower the weight on that bar? Do we work part time? Do we take another sip? There's two areas specifically that I find hard to cope with when my expectations have failed me and now I have to make the decisions.
     Growing up I now know I had a true pleasure having my mom stay at home and my dad be home a lot, or us be able to go to work with him. I thought that was a marriage. Of course I knew a lot of moms had to work to help support the family, but I didn't know some marriages are how mine is. I went in to marriage thinking I would work, he would work, I would see him after work, weekends, he'll work 9 hours a day and so will I, we can go on vacations and take long weekends, and have fun holidays. No... that's now how my marriage is. It's almost the opposite; and let me tell you, since it started I've pushed my mental boundaries trying to accept and not fight this reality. I'm quite a head strong person, and I become infuriated when I know who is being irrational and I can't handle the issue, I have to sit back and watch them be irrational. In our lives, there are no long weekends, there are no happy holidays, and there aren't any 9 hour days. There's 14 hour days, and ruined weekend plans by being called in, and sub $2 an hour wages. If you asked me have I thought to myself "this isn't the life I want or would have chose" I would scream yes. I didn't want this life, and I don't want this life. This is the hardest thing to bang my self into submission to do. I also am a planner, so when I hear someone of supposed high importance tell me something, I believe it and plan from that. Then when the plans go differently, I have to really stop and take a breath. So my marriage is the farther thing from what my expectation for it was and is. Now I have to decide how to react to that truth.
     The second hard reality vs. expectation is a puppy. I've had puppies, but I also had a mom to took care of those puppies. I thought puppies were cute, and fun and easy. Well... that expectation was blown wide open with the purchase of our pit sky. They suck. They wine, they don't sleep through the night, they pee and poop all over, they get sick and are expensive, they should be trained, and everything else I can't think of. So now that my expectation is sadly wrong, we have to decide what to do with that puppy. Do we keep waking up at night to handle it, do we sleep oddly to accommodate it, do we yell at it more or praise it more or what.

     I think hard and long about these things daily.

20 Vs. 40.

     A friend shared a post i read on social media today, a blog a 40 something female wrote about how she found letters from when she was in her 20's and married. After I read it, and her "Advice" that helped her, I thought... I'm in my 20's, you're in your forties. Knowing how my husband and I act now, I wonder what would make us change. Her first thing was "offer complements" things as simple as a thank you or an appearance complement.
     I learned growing up, that I (I would guess like most people) do the things to others I wish were done for me. Be it having a surprise, making dinner, having all the chores done when he gets home, what ever. This applies to gratitude. For as long as I can remember, I've been a thanker. I supposed because a lot of times I selfishly feel under appreciated for the amount of effort I exert into things. Thus, this is a common thing for me to do already; say thanks for doing the dishes, taking the dogs out before bed, or helping me clean up a mess. Me having so many current and past "self" issues, physical complements are thrown a lot. So I thought...  why would I stop? What happens in 20 years that changes that about me?
     Her second was "Spend time alone" in the form of 20 minutes at night was what she put it as. I thought this to be funny considering my time growing up and how we currently live. I'm a very personal.. person. I care about what's going on under what you say or put out, I care about every aspect of your life. When my dad used to come home from work and we would eat dinner, so often it was in the form of dinner on a TV tray while watching some series. I remember very clearly how much I asked to let us sit at the table and eat. I know watching TV was an unwinding for my dad after work and my mom after having to be around people all day, but I wanted to have quality, talking, family time. Now, when Daniel gets home, I usually have dinner waiting, and I almost always refuse to have the TV on or phones near the table. That's the time we sit and we talk. So is part of this the same "doing what I wish had been done"... yes, and no. Yes because... yes, and no because I want to hear how his day was, and I want to tell him how mine was. There's no conversation once the TV is on. He'll press play and I'll immediately pause it, saying "Wait! We're still talking!!!!"
     Her third was "Make it fun!" and her following words were no dinner and movie dates, then I just laughed. That is our fun! We just on Sunday went to a double feature, and the week before went to a movie and were nostalgic about how it felt as if we weren't married yet. When I'm 40, maybe I'll be more.. fun. But, our donut dates are pretty stinking fun to us.
     Thus.... I just found it interesting how I am who she was and remembers. I also am brought to wonder if I will be wishing I was like this again in 20 years, or if we will be just as fun and adventurous as we are now.

What's It Like Being Married To Special Ops AND The Army?

     I had no idea what I was getting into, when I got into it. We didn't live together or date consistently before we got married. I've done some active duty time myself, and well... being married to the army isn't fun. There's no certainties, there's a lot of speculation and guessing, and a lot of waiting then hurrying or hurrying then waiting.  When I was active, my schedule looked something like 6AM to 6PM. Now for the person doing that schedule, they're exhausted. Then they get home, and want to be in bed a solid 9 hours before they have to wake up again. That leaves about 3 hours left in their day. What do you think I did with that time? I tried to maintain some level of fitness, and I ate, showered, etc.
     So imagine being married to that person. What are the pluses to it? I know when they come home, when they leave, and what they need ready for the next day. Now, let me take you through a walk in the special ops life. What's the schedule? You never know. It could be 8-6, it could be 10-3AM the next day, it could be 8 to 8, it could be 6am to 8pm. So... you don't know when they're coming home. Heck, they don't even. It's more like when they get all the work done for the day. You don't really know what they're doing the next day, if they need food or will be fed, or the mood they're going to come home in. Who is in a great mood after a 14 or 16 hour day? What kind of time does that leave in their day? Time to sleep. They must sacrifice sleep to eat, and shower. I'm fully aware they chose that life and career, and a lot of them love it. I think it's pretty cool myself, probably only because everyone out side of that community thinks it's cool.
     But... it's not really cool to be married to their job just like they are. You get a lot more than just what meets the eye with this deal! For instance, and this is more an army thing than a special ops thing, we're waiting on orders. The speculation, and guess, was we would have them last week. The reality, is we still don't. The marriage to the army for me through him means they assume I don't have a job, or a life outside of him. How do I know when to put in a notice at my job? At our living community? At the gym? ....I don't. I more like can give them about a week notice at best. My conscious is pelted with guilt on those, how it must feel to be the one I'm talking to. Of course, just like when you're young and get broken up with, and hate to tell people the news because it looks like you hop from person to person, they probably aren't nearly as bothered by it as I am.
     I'm a planner, and a scheduler, complete uncertainty and it being uncontrollable, is like chaos in my mind. Oh wait.... you mean I have to work on controlling that too? Does self improvement ever end? To this day, when I come home with groceries, and the trash stinks, and the dog has a mess all in the cage and on the floor surrounding, and I need to pee, and I need lunch because it's 2pm, and I need to clean the pile of dishes from my baking excursion, I become completely overwhelmed. I am always learning how to handle the small chaos' that arise and are not in my control.

Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?

     I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
     What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
     I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
     Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.

The Mysterious Mind.

     There's some new mental "feelings" or experiences I'm ...experiencing, that seem so obscure and unordinary I wonder daily what my brain is doing, in general or perhaps to itself. I'm in this dreadful place for what should be a single purpose, but has become many purposes. I get to multitask being a student, being in the Army, being a person, and being a wife. Pretty much in that order too. The most common analogy is "it's like drinking from a fire hose" and while that feeling is true, try having your mind say no thanks. As in... I can hear what people are teaching, and I can regurgitate it, but if you want me to retain it, it's like I never heard it. My mind has generally shut down. There's many ideas as to what it could be. Over saturation, distraction, depression, or lack of effort. I was worried about it being a lack of effort, so I started to put in a lot more effort. Well, if anything it seems to be worse.
     It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
     When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
     So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
     One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
     What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.