20 Vs. 40.

     A friend shared a post i read on social media today, a blog a 40 something female wrote about how she found letters from when she was in her 20's and married. After I read it, and her "Advice" that helped her, I thought... I'm in my 20's, you're in your forties. Knowing how my husband and I act now, I wonder what would make us change. Her first thing was "offer complements" things as simple as a thank you or an appearance complement.
     I learned growing up, that I (I would guess like most people) do the things to others I wish were done for me. Be it having a surprise, making dinner, having all the chores done when he gets home, what ever. This applies to gratitude. For as long as I can remember, I've been a thanker. I supposed because a lot of times I selfishly feel under appreciated for the amount of effort I exert into things. Thus, this is a common thing for me to do already; say thanks for doing the dishes, taking the dogs out before bed, or helping me clean up a mess. Me having so many current and past "self" issues, physical complements are thrown a lot. So I thought...  why would I stop? What happens in 20 years that changes that about me?
     Her second was "Spend time alone" in the form of 20 minutes at night was what she put it as. I thought this to be funny considering my time growing up and how we currently live. I'm a very personal.. person. I care about what's going on under what you say or put out, I care about every aspect of your life. When my dad used to come home from work and we would eat dinner, so often it was in the form of dinner on a TV tray while watching some series. I remember very clearly how much I asked to let us sit at the table and eat. I know watching TV was an unwinding for my dad after work and my mom after having to be around people all day, but I wanted to have quality, talking, family time. Now, when Daniel gets home, I usually have dinner waiting, and I almost always refuse to have the TV on or phones near the table. That's the time we sit and we talk. So is part of this the same "doing what I wish had been done"... yes, and no. Yes because... yes, and no because I want to hear how his day was, and I want to tell him how mine was. There's no conversation once the TV is on. He'll press play and I'll immediately pause it, saying "Wait! We're still talking!!!!"
     Her third was "Make it fun!" and her following words were no dinner and movie dates, then I just laughed. That is our fun! We just on Sunday went to a double feature, and the week before went to a movie and were nostalgic about how it felt as if we weren't married yet. When I'm 40, maybe I'll be more.. fun. But, our donut dates are pretty stinking fun to us.
     Thus.... I just found it interesting how I am who she was and remembers. I also am brought to wonder if I will be wishing I was like this again in 20 years, or if we will be just as fun and adventurous as we are now.

What's It Like Being Married To Special Ops AND The Army?

     I had no idea what I was getting into, when I got into it. We didn't live together or date consistently before we got married. I've done some active duty time myself, and well... being married to the army isn't fun. There's no certainties, there's a lot of speculation and guessing, and a lot of waiting then hurrying or hurrying then waiting.  When I was active, my schedule looked something like 6AM to 6PM. Now for the person doing that schedule, they're exhausted. Then they get home, and want to be in bed a solid 9 hours before they have to wake up again. That leaves about 3 hours left in their day. What do you think I did with that time? I tried to maintain some level of fitness, and I ate, showered, etc.
     So imagine being married to that person. What are the pluses to it? I know when they come home, when they leave, and what they need ready for the next day. Now, let me take you through a walk in the special ops life. What's the schedule? You never know. It could be 8-6, it could be 10-3AM the next day, it could be 8 to 8, it could be 6am to 8pm. So... you don't know when they're coming home. Heck, they don't even. It's more like when they get all the work done for the day. You don't really know what they're doing the next day, if they need food or will be fed, or the mood they're going to come home in. Who is in a great mood after a 14 or 16 hour day? What kind of time does that leave in their day? Time to sleep. They must sacrifice sleep to eat, and shower. I'm fully aware they chose that life and career, and a lot of them love it. I think it's pretty cool myself, probably only because everyone out side of that community thinks it's cool.
     But... it's not really cool to be married to their job just like they are. You get a lot more than just what meets the eye with this deal! For instance, and this is more an army thing than a special ops thing, we're waiting on orders. The speculation, and guess, was we would have them last week. The reality, is we still don't. The marriage to the army for me through him means they assume I don't have a job, or a life outside of him. How do I know when to put in a notice at my job? At our living community? At the gym? ....I don't. I more like can give them about a week notice at best. My conscious is pelted with guilt on those, how it must feel to be the one I'm talking to. Of course, just like when you're young and get broken up with, and hate to tell people the news because it looks like you hop from person to person, they probably aren't nearly as bothered by it as I am.
     I'm a planner, and a scheduler, complete uncertainty and it being uncontrollable, is like chaos in my mind. Oh wait.... you mean I have to work on controlling that too? Does self improvement ever end? To this day, when I come home with groceries, and the trash stinks, and the dog has a mess all in the cage and on the floor surrounding, and I need to pee, and I need lunch because it's 2pm, and I need to clean the pile of dishes from my baking excursion, I become completely overwhelmed. I am always learning how to handle the small chaos' that arise and are not in my control.

Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?

     I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
     What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
     I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
     Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.