Lost Thoughts.

     2015 Has been a long year, with both good and bad changes, and a lot of growth. The older I get, the harder it is for me to put it all out there. Perhaps because there is more at stake it feels.

     In 2015 we moved to NC, we moved recently to a new place within NC as well. We tried 4 different dogs to have a second dog in the family. I started 2 new jobs, I started 4 new gyms, we owned 3 cars, and paid off another car. Daniel went to Special Forces selection, rebreaking his ankle, I regained control of my health and weight, watched and completed over 5 series on netflix, I also had my first needle to my mouth since I had my 2 front baby teeth pulled. I also did my first Crossfit competition. 2016... 2016 brings another move, this one closer to my family, it brings a new motorcycle into my possession, new friends, and more time to accomplish the things I constantly am aiming for. I had intended to start school very soon, but the Army reserves has proved to be one of the not so well ideas in my life, thus funding for that didn't occur.
     In 2016 we plan to pay off another car, I plan to continue to push myself to make friends, though hard when you know you are soon leaving. I've worked very hard the last 4 months to reclaim control over myself when it comes to fitness and food, which felt very lost after being married. This past year I also struggled with how to let my spouse be financially free within reason and not be controlling in that area. I feel I have finally come to peace and a balanced place in that area but obviously there is always room for improvement.
     I've started watching the walking dead to see what the hoopla was about. All I can tell... people like watching dark shows with hope. I can agree I like the hope, but not at the same level of brutality. I feel like I have enough darkness in my life, or walk around with enough of a cloud following me that I don't need to spend my free time watch humans have their guts eaten. Day after day there is something that happens, whether the dog runs away, or the Army says one thing and does another. I get my plans and my life ready to go in one direction and I find out moments later that we still aren't allowed to live normally and we still don't have control of our lives.  We were about to sign the papers to own a home, and we found out we are moving. Those kinds of things are so very hard for me to accept. The fact that my life isn't my life. And Daniel reminds me more than once that life wouldn't be like this if we weren't married, but that's no way to live; it's for better or worse.
     I'm excited to be in TN again, near both our families. I am not excited to move again, or to leave here. I have really come to love my job, friends and life here. One year is the longest I've lived in one state since I was 17. I know we will be at the next spot for a while as well.. and we have friends there.. but I do greatly value the ones I have made here, and the effort put in to make those. We will see how it goes.

Everything About Relocating and Marriage.

     It's been four months now that we have been at Ft. Bragg in North Carolina. It's been four months being out of the special operations community, four months of not so amazing scenery, four months of being a waitress, and four months longer being married and being a military spouse. I have evolved. Let me tell you. Four months isn't long at all, but we are humans, we search for homeostasis and normalcy. A sense of routine and belonging, and to be more knowledgeable.
     Pros and cons you say.. Pros of Ft. Bragg, serving, and Fayetteville..

• There's still pine trees like in the PNW.. which for the many that don't know what that is.. Pacific North West.
• There's 2 commissaries and 2 PX's. 
• Unlike Washington, you can be away from everyone but still not be that far from civilisation.
• I pick my own schedule practically.

     We won't go with the cons. Why? Because there's no reason to focus on the negative. I wish I could take for an hour about the amazing things going on over here but... To myself we live a boring life. I almost said normal, but I am totally aware of our lack of normalcy. I work nights and weekends, he works days. I spend my mornings and lunch with him so we still get some married time. I drink Starbucks nearly daily. I pack his lunches, and I drive home to get more lunchables when there's a surprise 24 hour shift. My husband works 24 hour shifts. That's not really normal. We find things like walking around the Commissary (grocery store) entertaining. I get a call at 5:24 in the morning asking if his wallet is on the counter. That is also normal for us!

     In Daniel's life happenings, he has and has not settled in to this new normal. He is planning on going to Special Forces selection in a short 2.5 weeks. Which would have us here another 2 years.. or forever. It's a close promotion, and it's a lot of work. But that's about all his life is revolving around these days.

     In my life happenings, got here and got my job serving rather quickly. I then decided that I should get a second job. Which turned out horribly. The management was awful and I left after 2 days. I now find myself working mostly Friday to Monday which I'm not really complaining about.  I was greatly battling with binging, food addiction and just overall personal image since we have moved in together.. about last July. While of course I love living with my amazing husband, I don't have the freedoms that I did when I was single when it comes to being alone.. never eating out.. only cooking for me. Which has been a problem. At my fattest ever I was 161, I'm not close to 145. A nerve racking 15lbs since we moved in together in July. I returned to Jenny Craig which saved me for about 6 weeks. Then life happened with several events and 2 weeks went by of not coolness. Now.. I find myself trusting a total stranger to plan my macros and lifting, and I'm being a boss. For the first time in at least 2 years, I'm eating over 2000 calories. You can consider me a chronic dieter, then binger. Since we got married. But as of this week I'm a boss. Not a binger. I've met plenty of judgement on all fronts with my fitness and food issues. None from Daniel or family, rather people who instead of attempting to understand, just... don't attempt anything at all!

     I've made two very good friends since our relocation, I've become the super excited owner of a sectional couch... a lifelong dream of mine. There's dreams that are attainable.. and those you pray to God are attainable before you die. This was a very attainable one! As far as my Army status.. I'm on my way into the IRR as in not drilling status, because there's not unit around me that has my job skill.

     Our fur baby is happily adapted to the new scenery. You may have seen how she now has a small yard she romps in, and sun bathes in. She finds herself in her cage about 6 hours a day, but she also appreciates my couch choice, it seems to be the perfect launching pad when fleeing from her humans. She now also has a place for her cookie jar since we live in a legit living space and not a hole in a wall. Though those times are the most fun part of merging two lives.

     We will now touch on what effects does getting married quickly have. Well the most obvious, you don't know the person all too well. We've found we are in fact opposite people. I have ever flowing and renewable energy... He could sleep till he dies. I like to workout, he likes to lay out. I like to cook, he lies to microwave. I like to cuddle, he likes to play Family Guy. I like to work, he likes to play video games. I like to drink protein shakes, he likes to drink beer. I live in sweat pants, he always beats me and eats jeans while I look like a sloth. I spend my time working on self betterment, he would rather just video game or sleep. I feel like pets shouldn't be left in cages for long periods of time, he is positive they will survive. These things aren't things that are crucial, though we have had several disputes about some of them. That's part of the initial adjustment to merging two lives. It's an ongoing process, we are still marriage babies.

     There's also so much fun in being married. I mean... if you have never lived with a young male, it's quite a trip. You'll come home to spaghetti hanging off the counter, or walk in the door and he greets you with pride about his vacuuming while you were away, or how if you don't pack his lunch he will just pay for 3 meals from taco bell for the day with a soda in between. They have awesome come backs, and are quick on their feet. In my case they have no clue how to be handy or work electronics, or yell "HELP" when they have gotten in the shower and forgot a towel. Nothing like a heart attack to find out they just were without their tacticool drying device!

     All in all, we have had a smooth and worth while transition. We have made the best of it, and we continue to do so. There's always days anywhere when you say it wasn't the best decision, but if you look at the long run and over all time we have had here, it's been ok. And we have been a lot happier as a married unit.

Expectation Vs. Reality and the Choices that Follow.

     I'm slowly learning that we expect everything to go one way. I expect to get 12 reps of squats in this 1:00 minute, or I expect that I will be able to take care of a full time job and a child, or I expect that this coffee is not going to be so hot that it burns my mouth. Well, when those expectations are not correct... we have to make decisions. Do we lower the weight on that bar? Do we work part time? Do we take another sip? There's two areas specifically that I find hard to cope with when my expectations have failed me and now I have to make the decisions.
     Growing up I now know I had a true pleasure having my mom stay at home and my dad be home a lot, or us be able to go to work with him. I thought that was a marriage. Of course I knew a lot of moms had to work to help support the family, but I didn't know some marriages are how mine is. I went in to marriage thinking I would work, he would work, I would see him after work, weekends, he'll work 9 hours a day and so will I, we can go on vacations and take long weekends, and have fun holidays. No... that's now how my marriage is. It's almost the opposite; and let me tell you, since it started I've pushed my mental boundaries trying to accept and not fight this reality. I'm quite a head strong person, and I become infuriated when I know who is being irrational and I can't handle the issue, I have to sit back and watch them be irrational. In our lives, there are no long weekends, there are no happy holidays, and there aren't any 9 hour days. There's 14 hour days, and ruined weekend plans by being called in, and sub $2 an hour wages. If you asked me have I thought to myself "this isn't the life I want or would have chose" I would scream yes. I didn't want this life, and I don't want this life. This is the hardest thing to bang my self into submission to do. I also am a planner, so when I hear someone of supposed high importance tell me something, I believe it and plan from that. Then when the plans go differently, I have to really stop and take a breath. So my marriage is the farther thing from what my expectation for it was and is. Now I have to decide how to react to that truth.
     The second hard reality vs. expectation is a puppy. I've had puppies, but I also had a mom to took care of those puppies. I thought puppies were cute, and fun and easy. Well... that expectation was blown wide open with the purchase of our pit sky. They suck. They wine, they don't sleep through the night, they pee and poop all over, they get sick and are expensive, they should be trained, and everything else I can't think of. So now that my expectation is sadly wrong, we have to decide what to do with that puppy. Do we keep waking up at night to handle it, do we sleep oddly to accommodate it, do we yell at it more or praise it more or what.

     I think hard and long about these things daily.

20 Vs. 40.

     A friend shared a post i read on social media today, a blog a 40 something female wrote about how she found letters from when she was in her 20's and married. After I read it, and her "Advice" that helped her, I thought... I'm in my 20's, you're in your forties. Knowing how my husband and I act now, I wonder what would make us change. Her first thing was "offer complements" things as simple as a thank you or an appearance complement.
     I learned growing up, that I (I would guess like most people) do the things to others I wish were done for me. Be it having a surprise, making dinner, having all the chores done when he gets home, what ever. This applies to gratitude. For as long as I can remember, I've been a thanker. I supposed because a lot of times I selfishly feel under appreciated for the amount of effort I exert into things. Thus, this is a common thing for me to do already; say thanks for doing the dishes, taking the dogs out before bed, or helping me clean up a mess. Me having so many current and past "self" issues, physical complements are thrown a lot. So I thought...  why would I stop? What happens in 20 years that changes that about me?
     Her second was "Spend time alone" in the form of 20 minutes at night was what she put it as. I thought this to be funny considering my time growing up and how we currently live. I'm a very personal.. person. I care about what's going on under what you say or put out, I care about every aspect of your life. When my dad used to come home from work and we would eat dinner, so often it was in the form of dinner on a TV tray while watching some series. I remember very clearly how much I asked to let us sit at the table and eat. I know watching TV was an unwinding for my dad after work and my mom after having to be around people all day, but I wanted to have quality, talking, family time. Now, when Daniel gets home, I usually have dinner waiting, and I almost always refuse to have the TV on or phones near the table. That's the time we sit and we talk. So is part of this the same "doing what I wish had been done"... yes, and no. Yes because... yes, and no because I want to hear how his day was, and I want to tell him how mine was. There's no conversation once the TV is on. He'll press play and I'll immediately pause it, saying "Wait! We're still talking!!!!"
     Her third was "Make it fun!" and her following words were no dinner and movie dates, then I just laughed. That is our fun! We just on Sunday went to a double feature, and the week before went to a movie and were nostalgic about how it felt as if we weren't married yet. When I'm 40, maybe I'll be more.. fun. But, our donut dates are pretty stinking fun to us.
     Thus.... I just found it interesting how I am who she was and remembers. I also am brought to wonder if I will be wishing I was like this again in 20 years, or if we will be just as fun and adventurous as we are now.

What's It Like Being Married To Special Ops AND The Army?

     I had no idea what I was getting into, when I got into it. We didn't live together or date consistently before we got married. I've done some active duty time myself, and well... being married to the army isn't fun. There's no certainties, there's a lot of speculation and guessing, and a lot of waiting then hurrying or hurrying then waiting.  When I was active, my schedule looked something like 6AM to 6PM. Now for the person doing that schedule, they're exhausted. Then they get home, and want to be in bed a solid 9 hours before they have to wake up again. That leaves about 3 hours left in their day. What do you think I did with that time? I tried to maintain some level of fitness, and I ate, showered, etc.
     So imagine being married to that person. What are the pluses to it? I know when they come home, when they leave, and what they need ready for the next day. Now, let me take you through a walk in the special ops life. What's the schedule? You never know. It could be 8-6, it could be 10-3AM the next day, it could be 8 to 8, it could be 6am to 8pm. So... you don't know when they're coming home. Heck, they don't even. It's more like when they get all the work done for the day. You don't really know what they're doing the next day, if they need food or will be fed, or the mood they're going to come home in. Who is in a great mood after a 14 or 16 hour day? What kind of time does that leave in their day? Time to sleep. They must sacrifice sleep to eat, and shower. I'm fully aware they chose that life and career, and a lot of them love it. I think it's pretty cool myself, probably only because everyone out side of that community thinks it's cool.
     But... it's not really cool to be married to their job just like they are. You get a lot more than just what meets the eye with this deal! For instance, and this is more an army thing than a special ops thing, we're waiting on orders. The speculation, and guess, was we would have them last week. The reality, is we still don't. The marriage to the army for me through him means they assume I don't have a job, or a life outside of him. How do I know when to put in a notice at my job? At our living community? At the gym? ....I don't. I more like can give them about a week notice at best. My conscious is pelted with guilt on those, how it must feel to be the one I'm talking to. Of course, just like when you're young and get broken up with, and hate to tell people the news because it looks like you hop from person to person, they probably aren't nearly as bothered by it as I am.
     I'm a planner, and a scheduler, complete uncertainty and it being uncontrollable, is like chaos in my mind. Oh wait.... you mean I have to work on controlling that too? Does self improvement ever end? To this day, when I come home with groceries, and the trash stinks, and the dog has a mess all in the cage and on the floor surrounding, and I need to pee, and I need lunch because it's 2pm, and I need to clean the pile of dishes from my baking excursion, I become completely overwhelmed. I am always learning how to handle the small chaos' that arise and are not in my control.

Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?

     I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
     What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
     I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
     Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.

The Mysterious Mind.

     There's some new mental "feelings" or experiences I'm ...experiencing, that seem so obscure and unordinary I wonder daily what my brain is doing, in general or perhaps to itself. I'm in this dreadful place for what should be a single purpose, but has become many purposes. I get to multitask being a student, being in the Army, being a person, and being a wife. Pretty much in that order too. The most common analogy is "it's like drinking from a fire hose" and while that feeling is true, try having your mind say no thanks. As in... I can hear what people are teaching, and I can regurgitate it, but if you want me to retain it, it's like I never heard it. My mind has generally shut down. There's many ideas as to what it could be. Over saturation, distraction, depression, or lack of effort. I was worried about it being a lack of effort, so I started to put in a lot more effort. Well, if anything it seems to be worse.
     It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
     When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
     So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
     One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
     What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.

My "How We Met" Story.

     So as everyone probably knows, I got married March 1 here in Carmel at a quaint little restaurant and it was fun. Unlike most events, it went by super fast and I wish we had all had more time to enjoy each other. The food was good, the moments in the ceremony were fun and unexpected, it was memorable, and so was the not so ceremony on Feb 10. I feel like it's been much longer than just 5 weeks since I have seen family and all, yet at the same time, I can't believe I'm in week 6 of learning gibberish.
     I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
     That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
     I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
     Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
     On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.

Self Esteem Before and After Basic Training.

     The day before I shipped, I hit a weight high in a while after binging on a box.. or two.. of holiday poptarts. Why? Well BCT is supposed to get you in the best shape of your life. I'll burn it off. I'm sorry, since when do we plan on burning off a binge? I'm sharing with you what I decided to write to myself. It tells you how I felt about myself, and how I looked at myself.

Dear soldier,

I write to you on your last day before you enter the soldier life and forget what being a civilian is. Today, you gorged on pop tarts. You used leaving as an excuse to eat, and sickness to lay around all day. You need help. You have a bad relationship with food, and I hope that now, as you’re back from a break, control and eating only 3 times a day is easy for you.

All you want, is to weigh under 120 pounds today, and fit into your clothes comfortably, and that is the biggest burden on your mind, yet you eat 6.5 packages of poptarts? What is wrong with you. You know you can’t diet, and you prayed today that you could even rationalize this as an attempt to speed up your metabolism, but you knew today that 3500 kcal is plain over eating. Even while you were in basic.

I hope today, that as you’ve read this, you can have peace of mind you ate healthy in basic, and did what you should’ve to treat your body well. You ate too much today, justified it, and are sick both mentally and physically. You took laxatives to try to make yourself feel better. I know that 118 means the world to me right now, but I hope you are different when you return.

I hope you train hard, eat well, don’t eat out, don’t step on the scale and go by the mirror. I hope you love yourself, and I hope you fit comfortably into your clothes and can be happy with your reflection. Men see you as attractive.... see yourself that way please. You will quickly become who you were. 128 becomes 135, and before you remember, you’re a size 14 again. You’re so happy when you’re comfortable. Control yourself. Don’t be a purger, or an anorexic, be normal, and love yourself for controlling yourself.

I hope you loved BCT, and I hope you come back knowing you have 2 months or less to look great for Kevin when he returns. Get your ass under the bar, and control your appetite. You can do this, and you’ll be proud when you did!

Civilian Wright.

     When I came home, I was a different mind set completely after a short period. I realized people like you no matter how you look. Heck I looked like a man for 4 months. I gained to 138, and yet again tried to diet. I believe I made it to 133, and that was it. I fit into 1 pair of jeans for 4 months, yes, 1 pair. I never bought poptarts again, and I realized that this issue isn't about a 4 month cut or weight loss period. It's about the next 60 years. Well.. maybe 50. When I make it to my 70's and 80's I will be happy and fat as ever. Now at a "high" 130, I'm happier than ever. I'm living like the rest of the world, I'm lifting and stronger than ever, but I gave myself a massive eye opener when I went back and read that the day I came home. I realized I needed what happened to me. Now I look at other people dieting, and usually think ...you could have it so much easier. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason I've done a 180 with my mind set, but I have no idea. I just know that this person and this mind set is 100X's better than the old one. I live a much happier life now that I've learned what living needs to be, and what lifting needs to be in my life.

Learning Who We Are and Who We Were.

     I started a conversation today with a friend I don't talk to very often, and I was reminded of their opinion of me in very few words. Something along the lines of "Crazy! ... That you're so young!" I recalled former e-mails and things they had said, then remembered how old I was when I first met them. They read this very blog and pushed me to think deeper, while applauding me for trying to be insightful at the same time. Those people that guide us without intending to do so, and help us discover ourselves by just being themselves, are magical.
     I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
     Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
     I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
     I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
     I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
     Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.

Lost in a Sea of Busy, Emotionless, Life.

     When I left for training, or got back, people told me they missed my blog. It's been 2 months that I haven't wanted to write. Either things have transpired that I don't want to publicly say, or I forgot that I say everything publicly in hopes someone can relate and neither of us will feel so foreign as we walk through life. In september, Kevin broke up with me, whom I'd been with since the november before. It sucked for a minute. I cried. We're friends. That's the story. Kevin had that balancing personality trait I wrote about before. A few people around me have it that I can get the energy from, K'anna, my parents, those unconditional people that don't get bad at you because they take all of your negative words with a grain of salt, or just aren't listening when you speak. It really could go either way.
     I accomplished the sky diving. Yep. Got my "A" license, so I can jump with friends. I actually just did my first two way, and what an experience! There's something phenomenal about jumping with someone. When you leap out of an aircraft, there's nothing except you, and in this case Seth. There's no thinking about who is mad at you, how tired you are, how hungry you are, how sad you are, there's just you, a ripcord, and silence. I haven't gotten to hit up any other drop zones since getting my license, and I can admit that Washington isn't the best state to get licensed in, but I've met some cool people doing it and made new acquaintances.
     Since moving I've hit new lifting personal bests, like 165 squat, and 200 DL. I've learned new movements, and jumped back and forth between a conventional gym and crossfitting. I don't ever stay one place long. Be it a state or a gym. I've also gone from 140 pounds to 130, and back down 2 pant sizes. Thank heavens because the world knows my "woes of weight" is a slippery slope! I've done paleo, I've binged, I've splurged, I've..... lived. I feel like that includes regretless. I was climbing, but kind of waded away from that when I started skydiving. One fee or another, money ain't free.
     I've grown close yet again to my childhood best friend. There's nothing like rekindling a fire that was so big and bright when you saw it last. Some people never change, some do. We did. We're almost the same person these days. We experience a lot of the same things, think the same way, and embrace life a lot alike. I'm not the best at making female friends, so in this state I'm kind of lacking, but in Oregon, plentiful! Tennessee, plentiful! Takes time, friends.
     One change in myself that seems to be permanent thus far from training, is not caring. Or in reality, I tell myself I don't care so I will hurt less. I went through a lot of emotional pain in my training that I hadn't ever faced, and I learned after a long time if I didn't care, it wouldn't get to me. Well, I used to be a super caring person, and thus much more sensitive than I am now. While I miss that super caring person, I enjoy my lack of sensitivity. I'm still just as resilient as I always was, and still get hurt, but  much less. K'anna calls me heartless from some of the things I say, and deep down I don't think I mean half of them, because I'm not heartless, but I've formed this massive wall I can't see over, and neither can anyone else, where I act heartless and have this facade that I don't care how you are towards me, but under it, I'm like a small crying child. I never mean an insult, I'm not malicious, and I'm not vengeful. I would hug out everything if I could. But life doesn't work like that. Though this new part of me is also much more willing to express feelings, frustrations, angers, and not sit in things until they become too much.
     My to be active status is well on its way, seems February I should move to California. I want to go, but I don't really want to. Sure, steady income is solid, and living super close to a DZ is solid, but I do have a life here now, and I have people here I love being around. Though you can always revisit your past. I'm going to OR this month and TN next, here I come time machine.

One Arm in Front of the Other.

     Since moving to Wa in August, I've realized that all those years I thought I couldn't live with people, I was doing it wrong. I hated living alone, but didn't want anyone on my kitchen aide. Well lemme tell ya, roommates are way better than how I've been living. For those of us that need some interaction other than their 2 hours at the gym, it's swell. There's always a cleaning issue, or noise issue, or you didn't lock the door issue, but at this point in my life, I take things in stride. What do crazy emotions or opinions do for me anyways? Nothing. One of the opaque rules of living here was taking up climbing. So I did. I got a harness, some shoes, and some bravery. Which brings me to my next two points. Or three.
     After my IET for the Army, I decided this fear thing is bullshit. Whose idea was that anyways?! They say fear is healthy, and where does this apply? I might say it's common sense. You don't have to be afraid of sharks or lightening, just know not to mess with them. I've been afraid of heights my entire life, which I found out is even half normal. Phew. I'd actually been climbing once in Ga, but that was before I was even a legal adult. I was ready to cry when I first went up a rock, or a wall, which ever you visualize better, but I just decided if they hadn't died before me that I'd probably come down in one piece, or at least survive a 20' drop. So now I climb, one measly little finger grip in front of the other.
     Next sport on my list, sky diving. Yes, as in plummeting towards Washington at 120mph. I tried it in Oregon in July, it was beyond description to look at 5 mountain peeks at once from 5,000 feet inside of nothing but air. Washington doesn't really have that view from where I jump, but it's still just as amazing. I don't really think people go for the arial view anyways. I've now done 3 tandem jumps, and on the 21st (Sep) I take the course to jump solo. What. Who would've thought. Now believe me, my nerves nearly convince me every time not to step out of a plane, but the second you're out, you know why you did it. It's an amazing feeling.
     One of the reasons I signed a contract to Obama, is because I saw that the military represents a lack of fear, and I find that to be phenomenal. And it's an attractive quality. People that can say they can without knowing if they can, and trying anyways. I can't say I'll ever be there, but I'm squelching one fear at a time to mentally match what I want to do physically. But more on the whole military thing.... I took the DLAB, crossed my fingers for the passing score of 105 to make it to DLI in california, and walked out with a 119. I was definitely taken back. Can't study for it, you just have to take it. I saw people getting so frustrated, and was thinking, that won't help you to get stressed out. Just guess!
     On a random note, I've discovered a very interesting personality trait that balances me very well. Think of it as a monotone personality. The person has opinions, smiles, and is brilliant, but they don't waiver from themselves much. I always thought that would be a frustrating thing, as if they just stared at you blankly, but no. In fact, it's very comforting. As a female, I have this tendency to jump to conclusions and make up things that are out of no where to rationalize something. Honesty helps this trait as well. But it's like them being very dependable, because you can count on them not being mad or offended. They're going to be solid and the same and not get worked up. Therefore, you as a woman have no reason to get worked up or jump to conclusions because you know where they're going to be emotionally, always. Perhaps I'm not explaining it well, not sure.

On To the Next Thing!

     My life changes on the daily, I almost can promise. I'm hoping soon this little feature will slow down a minute so I can organize myself, but something is always coming at me I don't expect. In all fairness, it's done wonders for my inability to take changes well. I used to get so mad when a plan would change, especially last minute, because I was so tied to the original plans. No more! I'm learning more and more to just go with the flow because, well, it seems it all turns out ok in the end either way.
     Last weekend I celebrated my birthday in Washington with friends. I made sushi, went on a bike ride, did a little rock climb, did a lot of Crossfit, rode a fairy to Friday Harbor, slept a lot, made a tart, and had fun! I'm building relationships with people in the new state, and it makes it much less intimidating to make a move as such. Packing however, is a beast of its own! I've been working on it for about 3 weeks, and I'm also in the middle of a unit switch which, as I know now, takes a lot of paperwork!
     Yea, no more engineering or bridges for me! I wanted this job before I shipped but had already signed to be an engineer, and while I probably could've switched, I'd guess the paperwork was too daunting for even the recruiter. I'm now in a unit in WA, and I'm reclassing to be a linguist! I have to take the DLAB to know my language or if I'm even a good fit for the job, I'm crossing my fingers as to yes because I want the job very badly. If I make the cut, I go and learn a language and do a second AIT. This job holds lots of possibilities, like AGR as I was told by my unit this week. Some great news like the aforementioned comes to me daily. Not always military related, but something good happens, and I have no idea why me, but I'm certainly not going to complain and just stand in awe at how many opportunities I'm being afforded and how many choices I'm being given.
     I move on Tuesday, and it will be a circus act to get it done, but it will get done! I have to pick up my truck at 8, movers come to load it at 9, my friend comes to drive my car up at 10, we have to unload a few things at the new house and then get to the storage unit by 3 for another set of movers to unload the truck, then drop the truck off, bring my friend back here, and go back. I think I estimated being back around midnight. Talk about a long tiring day. But it will be over, and I'll only have to come back and clean the old place, turn in keys, and waste some more gas.
     As for a little random life update and to open myself to a world of judgement and criticism,  I'm loving crossfit and the variety every day, and I'm Paleo too. Yea, chop my head off with a spoon people, I'm living my life and loving it. You know, I didn't understand at all people's hate for such things or lack of accommodation until I talked with a friend of mine who does the same things, but also deals with a market of people from all walks. I was always offended and frustrated when I would come across people that would be frustrated themselves with my past and current eating or lifestyle choices. When I expressed this to him, he helped me understand that when you tell someone that you're avoiding something for your health, or because it makes you feel bad, or you want to lose weight, or what ever your reason is, they take it as a reflection on themselves that you're being healthier than they are and it tends to cause them to be perhaps bitter or defensive in odd ways. They may not even realize that's why they're reacting as such, or even that they are, but they are. I always figured if you choose to eat or live a certain way, that's your life and body and your choices. Anyhow, I'm loving my journey to health versus low body weight, and the people that are supporting me shock me and make me feel so loved because they show a desire for me to be healthy and happy through their support. I used to get bored of lifting because I was doing the same thing time after time, and now, nope, it's new daily, long, short, different movements, and I'm finally learning the oly lifts which I wanted to!

The Ferry to Vashton island.

Making sushi

At Friday Harbor with good friends!

A dairy free birthday!

Some serious Sashimi :)

Handling Stress and Controlling Tunnel Vision.

     Stress happens to everyone, something different for us all, usually a common being that we feel like we can't handle all on our plate. For some it might be something quite different like stressed because someone doesn't like you or because you're broke, which sometimes goes right back to not being able to handle all the bills coming etc. We all have a couple ways to handle it, not everyone is individual in their stress copings. We encounter this our entire lives, so finding a manageable and constructive way of dealing with it early is better than accepting how you handle it negatively and saying "I'm stressed, it's ok".
     Right now, I feel in over my head. Moving isn't easy. It's not easy when you have family, and it's even harder to do by yourself. Perhaps it's not all just moving though, maybe moving really isn't that hard, it's more overwhelming. I can't get ahold of my school, so I can't send them transcripts, my unit is out of town, so I can't get things signed, and I can't do paper work for ROTC until all of that happens. Plus I need 6 more sit ups than I have to get in, and even in the 4 months I was in training, they never improved. I'm sit-uptually challenged. I'm in the midst of packing, and praying I have a truck fall into my hands to help me drive my stuff north as well. I'm demotivated to go to the gym too.
     So... things aren't the most ideal. What's the solution, and how do I handle the emotion of stress? The  handling of the emotion started with even more demotivation, then turned to almost tears, and I said to myself, "tears don't solve anything", didn't even go there, and decided to figure out how to handle it instead of letting it stress me. I cannot control that they aren't answering, I can only work on my sit ups to improve them, not going to the gym will only make my life less great, and I cannot control my unit coming back.
     Therefore, my cure, is to get some ice cream, and go do some dancing. I have no reason to stress over things I cannot control! I'm a better contribution to this world if I'm clear headed and pushing full force ahead. I can focus on what IS going right. I'm seeing boxes come out of the wood work to pack with, I'm viewing two rooms this weekend, one of which I'll be moving into in August, I put my one-month notice in today, I'm eating a little more balanced than I was, I'm drinking a lot more water, a friend comes into town this weekend, and, lastly, I know from the past, that we will all go through times of demotivation and burning out in the gym. It happens. You push through those little rocky places, try to change it up to things you enjoy a little more, and at some point, the fun WILL return.
     I told a battle of mine about my moments of stress and worry, and her line to me was "battle ..I know you can freaking do it. You've got the heart to do anything." Sometimes, my biggest pitfall, isn't that I'm incapable of something, it's that I doubt myself. I'm capable of being a straight A student, with a 300 PT test, and succeeding at anything. Admitting you don't have confidence, or don't give 100% starts somewhere, however the only way to fix that, is to know you don't, and then try a little harder in everything you do. Even when you don't have the motivation, find a way. Because your will to get there will kick in, and something will cross your path that causes you to push just hard enough, that you make it.
     Over the next two months, I may fail at somethings, and I may succeed. No matter which way my chips fall, there's always another way, and other doors always open. The future isn't bad forever. We just have moments of tunnel vision, and insecurities that cause us to doubt ourselves and the process.

My Ever Changing Life. I Even Get Lost In Here.

     Well. It's been 2 weeks I've been home now, I've readjusted to being your average boring American. I miss being a green suiter, but I have to accept the decision I made not to be active duty. I still talk to a lot of my battles from "camp", and love to see how it's going for them. I'm still enrolling in ROTC in less than two months, and going on with my plans and life as I must.
     I started training again with a new coach, happily getting back to where I was! I'm much more mentally balanced to be dieting than I've ever been. I still weigh everything I eat, and I don't mind it for a minute. Kind of like when people first start exercising, then it becomes habit and they no longer as bothered by it, same here. I've been to Seattle since coming home, the coast, and today will be my first day back at work. I'm doing extremely well at keeping myself busy so I stay constructive in my attitude and actions. When boredom hits, thoughts become destructive, and life is harder. I've been hiking, eating, watching movies, working out, traveling, sky diving, and anything else that comes to mind to keep my busy!

Containing my life.

     Now, in about ehh, 6 weeks, I'll be moving to Tacoma, Wa. Yes..... the third year in a row I've moved. At this rate I'm gong to be quite happy to have a majority of my belongings in storage if I'm going to keep this up! I'm moving to go to school on base cheaper than I am now, I'll save money in rent, no income taxes, I'll be closer to family, and so on. So financially a good move, I just have extreme dread from having to pack everything up. Move one I didn't have a whole lot to move. After that, I started to accumulate all the things a person has in their house, now I have a fully furnished, everything you need kind of set up, which takes a lot of energy to pack and decipher what I may need and what I can put in storage.

Hiking @ Opal Falls!

Hanging @ the coast!

     My major is going to be Organizational Leadership, and I'll just keep on keeping on, letting things go where they may as I certainly have no idea where my life is ever going clearly! My 20th is coming up quite soon, and I'll be in Seattle celebrating, either a BBQ or a nice restaurant and staying there that weekend. I've grown very close to those here, and I love it here, fortunately WA has the same scenery, but not my friends I've acquired. I'm pretty sure I'll make more, but you never replace friends, you just acquire more. I have quite the collection of wonderful people in my life as it is, so I suppose it can only get better!
I'm also working on meal prepping at the beginning of the week.... fun to get to eat real recipes, but talk about planning! I'm making things I've never eaten in my life, yet so basic! I like cooking, and I'm sure my body appreciates more balanced food options :)

The Training Of A Soldier.

     Well. I made it. It's easy when you turn your gaze on sappers or rangers, but for those of us not-so-extradinary, it's an accomplishment. I had no idea what I was getting into, I just kind of jumped. I didn't really know what my job was or what osut meant. I thought I knew what questions to ask and that I'm pretty chill, but I learned a lot about myself. Sure, I learned military things like how to shoot a rifle, how to throw a grenade, how to do facing movements, inspection arms, and how to build bridges. More so I learned that I don't always give my all, selling myself short, I can be too sensitive, when I have nothing left, there's more there, and I don't respond to negative motivation.

     I took a while to learn things, some good and some bad. I'm more impatient because we're always rushed, cursing isn't rude any more, don't care what people say, but always keep a mirror in front of your personality, not everyone has good intentions or cares about respecting authority, yelling no longer phases me, how to handle stress, how to push back panic, and how great simplicity is. I no longer like phones as much or computers quite as much. I missed it some times, but after seeing people's actions with those devices, I realized how consumed we are by them, and how rude they make us. 

     I can easily say that I hated it at times, but putting the experience in my rear view saddens me. My goal is to go active duty, and continue on with the lifestyle I enjoy. To me, the army feels like a job; I now understand why soldiers reply that they're just doing their job when you thank them. I feel like little ole me, just a little sweatier, and a little harder working. My old normal is about to me my new normal again as I've adapted to the IET lifestyle. Something about having people right by your side all the time, no matter how much fighting goes on, is a great feeling. Saying bye to the temporary parents that your Drill Sargeants have been is just as hard. You come to trust them and know that they not only care but do what they have to to make you a better person and to keep you safe.

     Everyone asks what you want to do when you finish being in legal captivity. I have weight I want to lose, books I want to read, movies I want to watch, an online class in progress, sleep to catch up on, dancing to do, and places to be explored. I gained 100 or so battle buddies from these four months, I hold my head heigher, I strongly try not to speak into conversations, and I smile less.

     I can't say I was a much loved member of the 35th En Bn, but I stayed true to myself. I tried to uphold justice, I tried to be honest, I tried to help my battle buddies, and I consistently walked away from unnecessary arguing. I often times comes across as rude and bossy, and I was consistently reminded of that. I stood by "the worst they can do is say no" in a place where they usually will do worse. I never lost the bravery to ask a question, and I always exercised their desire to answer questions. 

     We all know my physical condition when I left and my constant counting of calories. In my little journey, I ate, I gained strength, and I gained a chunk of weight (11lb). I could say I regret it, but I don't. I'm ashamed of the lack of self control, sure, but I think the break was healthy, and I learned that my peers don't care if I'm a size 0 or 13, I bleed red just like they do. I left with 19 correct push-ups and I now make 37. My pull ups got better, my run worse and my sit ups the same.

     I withstood 15 weeks of mass punishment, starting in red phase, I did ruck marches, from a 4k to a 16k, I laid in the prone watching ticks crawl by, I went 4 days without showering, I dug a fighting position, I pulled guard duty, I experienced what true cold is, I forward marched into a lake, I woke up at 0445 daily, I experienced CS gas, I low crawled under live fire, I cleaned the fire out of weapons numerous times, I repelled down a 100ft tower, I carried battle buddies on my shoulders, and I sang plenty of cadence. Any physical or mental pain I ever experienced was well worth the outcome.
     I'm sad to not wake up with a purpose, to not have people to talk to, and to not be with my battle buddies. I now know why they say you never forget the path to becoming a soldier. My hope is to go active as soon as possible, and continue on.

 

Vazquez!

My most influential DS.

Fanolua!

On a 12C Boat!

     I'm proud of where I stand and what I stand for.

What I'm Expecting In Basic Training.

     Since I started the process, I've researched just about every question and aspect you can about Basic. What makes it more scary than any future Army training, is that you don't know what is coming or what to expect until you're there. I have plenty of people to ask, but there's certain aspects that make me nervous regardless of the fact I know it's coming. There's just something about knowing I have to walk into a gas chamber that doesn't sound fun to me!
     I go into this as a lifting female, and I know I won't come out looking the same. I'll lose muscle probably, hopefully some fat while I'm at it, I'll become a good runner, excellent at push ups, and if I'm lucky good at pull ups. There's pluses and minuses to being in good shape going in. The potential loss of performance, but a little more ease adapting to the amount of activity. Second, I can't count macros like I always do. I know they have a color-coded system which brings me a lot of ease, but it's a massive routine change. I can say, I look forward to eating 3 times a day like the average American.
     There's tons of small unknowns, like do I get to shave my legs, how bad are the issued glasses really, will I be able to hold it together during shots? I expect to have a blast being with people all day, working out in a group, being busy non stop, being active a lot, learning things few get to learn, facing unknowns, and over coming fears. One of the most common human fears is the one of heights. I'm in that category... one of the most infamous obstacles during training is the confidence tower. A rough 60ft tower to rappel down. No choice to not do it. So I look forward to learning how I react when I'm sleep deprived, scared, hungry, and looking down a 60 foot drop.
     When I return, maybe I'll make my bed on the daily, or maybe I'll still eat 3x's a day. Perhaps I'll just want to lay in bed for days on end and enjoy the quiet and peace. I won't get long before I do more training, start school, start ROTC, and become quite busy again, but that's who I am. I don't like to stay free, I'd rather be too busy to do anything.
     I have a feeling after the initial shock, I'm going to have a blast and be more glad then that I did it than I am now. The service provides opportunities to push yourself, and I love that aspect. If you like being busy, they'll keep you busy, which is right up my alley.
     Only a few days left in my favorite state with 5-peak days and random drizzles, but I've never been to Missouri, so I think I'll find it just as great. there's something to say for being cultured. If I could make a career out of travel, you'd never see me again. Which may be what I'm about to do!

Learning To Date Well. Part 2.

     Decisions in relationships don't weigh heavy on me because I feel it's a big decision necessarily, but because I'm dealing with someone else's feelings, and you never truly know how much of an impact you have on someone. When someone approaches me with an issue within a relationship, I feel like I should be working harder to fix it, (When approached in a non malicious manor.) and that I'm letting them down sometimes, but I look at their issues objectively, and try to be understanding. In other words, I look at myself with a magnifying glass, and them with a camera. How does that analogy work? I'm constantly zoomed in and analyzing what I'm doing, but their actions I zoom in on, but also look at a big picture. The day I got broken up with, I said this:

                   As I sat across from him, all I could think about when I responded, was to not make him feel bad for expressing the truth. Sometimes, no matter how much pain you feel, the other person still takes precedence.

      It may sound somewhat selfless to do such a thing, but when it comes down to it, you find yourself stuck in things because you don't want to hurt someone leaving. There's tactics to close something off in a way that's less hurtful to the closer, like letting it fade. This sounds like a fantastic idea, until I remember that was done to me and it was confusing and hurtful because he couldn't confront me and say what was going on. But he thought he didn't have to see me hurt face to face, so it was ok. The second tactic I know of, which has no benefits to the closer, and hopefully some to the one being closed (lol), is straight up confrontation. What makes that the hardest for the closer, is that they're seeing the emotion, perhaps they're even finding themselves being talked out of shutting it all down. That's the right way to go, but the hardest as you have to deal with the situation.
     In this time in electronics, face to face communication, or even talking on the phone, is a lost cause. People have lost the ability to handle confrontation. And I'm right there with them. In fact, when I starting a certain dating relationship, I said to them that one of my favorite things about them, was that they call. You hear their voice, the fluctuations in tone, and know how they feel when you say something. Now, when I stand at a hill with a crossroads on it, I want to do the same thing that hurt me before, when in reality, taking the step to be confrontational will build that skill.
     It's like speech class. We all hate it, but the only way to improve our ability to give a speech, is to do it. Same with sit ups, or how well we can handle a food competition. What makes these things even worse, (the confrontations, not feeling stuffed) is that there often are times, when the person is great, and you feel as though expressing yourself will make them feel inadequate. Am I soft? Maybe. Do I feel bad about it? No, it's part of learning and maturing. I have to learn that standing up for what I need isn't wrong.
     Part of learning to date well, is learning the proper way to express your feelings, opinions, needs, and desires, in a way that can be perceived well, and a way that is constructive. Perhaps things you say to someone now, will help them in a future relationship, because they can identify something they did wrong and work on that. Second, confrontation. If you can't be open, and say how you feel or what you need, not only will things get worse as they don't know they're not giving you what you need, but you're building a foundation on a lack of information and maybe even a little bit of deception. They think you're doing great, happy, when in reality, you're dying on the inside. You're doing both of you a disservice.

Learning To Date Well. Part 1.

     Some never learn from the past, and I suppose I figured people just do. Naturally. Something hurts you, and now you change so that doesn't happen, or are more attentive to people that have those actions that hurt you so you can guard yourself. In my boredom today, I picked up a book called "Boundaries in Dating", a present I received for Christmas after my past relationship. From a recent picture, people have noticed I've been dating someone. I've jumped about 10 steps forward in my dating maturity, by choice.
     I'll start with the book. I hadn't tried to do a lot of reading other than military based, and in my efforts to grow, I decided well why not. Some things hit me with an interest, but not necessarily things I hadn't thought of. "Where there is deception, there can be no relationship." I experienced a chunk of deception round one, and I'd like to think I learned from it, but this points it out from a new way. From the view point that deception is a show stopper right then and there. "You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything." Along with "People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work." The thought that honesty is such a deciding factor on every level never really crossed my mind. Honesty is a given for me, however I never thought about it being so effecting in areas other than things that would make you think someone is being unfaithful. A last favorite that I recognize to be extremely true, is "Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy." Doesn't it though, as it can be the hardest to be open that they have hurt you, but if you are able to, and they can accept it well, you've hit a new level. He described two types of liars, and while I don't lie about these things, I've found myself keeping them quiet for his reason which is not good either. Some hold back because they're scared of the reaction that may occur, which I have done. However, on the same token, as he also states, sharing every single hiccup you feel is just plain annoying. As I said to someone today, I try to make sure I have a grip on reality before deciding if the issue is truly something that needs to be brought up.
     I find myself hurt or rationalizing the option to be hurt, over something like the person you're dating hanging out with other people. Well hold on, are they supposed to give up their life and who they are for you? No. So before I even mention it, I take a moment to think about the whole picture, and control my emotions.
     Like every other woman in the universe, my emotions can be a little more emphasized during "that", and awareness of that is like gold I tell you. Once you can identify set offs, and times you are continuously more high strung and unrealistic, you've stumbled across something that will strengthen your ability to communicate effectively and appropriately. During one of my emotional moments, a second realization came to me. Building community, maintaining even friendships, and working through relationships with teachers, family, everyone, be it successful or not, takes energy. While that should be obvious, I suppose I didn't realize how much energy is really invested, especially when the relationship is more taxing than another. So, sometimes all that energy comes to a peak, and you have a day where you just need to feel like junk. To complain a little, and then come back to reality and see that it's A-OK. I've mentioned before the line "you make friends everywhere you go" or something to that extent that gets tossed at me from time to time. I then want to tell people, I invest mounds of energy as a person to make every relationship beneficial and positive, or as much as possible. I don't work daily, but at the end of a lot of days, I'm still tired. When I do spend a day at work, school, or in a socially rich environment, I'm wiped out. Perhaps, sometimes it's not that people aren't social or aren't good at relationships (of any kind, not strictly romantic), but that they just can't invest the enormous amounts of energy it takes to be very successful at them.
     As far as learning from the past, I've worked in collaboration with some close friends and family, to not be who I was. I've met someone, though it should be stated I've also learned over the past couple of months that some times a relationship exists to learn things, not because you're going to get married in 3 years or something of the sort. Anyways, I've been able to put into place massive personality adjustments, and almost take a settings panel to myself and go through and alter the entire thing. I can identify several places I've been able to grow and change, and partly due to the other persons actions and demeanor. All I can definitely say, is that it's fascinating how much of a difference some very simple changes can make in your over all happiness and health.

Time, Slow Down.

     When I was younger, I always wondered how time could possibly go faster when you get older like everyone over 25 would say. Or parents who didn't want their kids to grow up. Now that I don't spend my days sitting at school or watching TV, I now know exactly what is meant. I no longer can remember where I was two days ago, and by Wednesday the week is so long it feels like it's Friday. The part of me that hates sitting and watching TV all day is jumping with joy, but the rest of me didn't see this coming and isn't sure about it. Weekends used to be the plague, now I can't wait to not do anything for 12 hours. I know, very unlike myself! I feel very out of touch with the people around me. The amount of time I have to catch up with those I love is too limited. If I have both the energy AND the time to get to the gym, score.
     I have a few disappearing weeks left before I forget what this life is like and take on a whole other one. Between two writing intensive classes, training, the occasional catering job, 4 lifting days, cardio, cleaning, dating, and things like going to buy groceries, I'm wondering where the nap button is.
     The past two weekends I've spent in Washington visiting dear friends that I grew up with, and loving it more than life. I'm independent, but across the country from family. If I could see my literal parents every weekend, what a glorious thing. This would be the next best thing, whether we bowl, watch tv, or explore, I could care less, as long as I'm with the people I love.
     I wish I could sit and go into the details of all the things I've experienced lately, and to think it's only been 3 weeks that I've been home, now that's insane. I've been granted in-state tuition prices, for which I let out a scream, I've essentially not worked for money in 2 months, I've learned how prickly Sgt Majors are, I've made new acquaintances, I've been on my first military base, I've bought new clothes, I've learned I have one month left with my lifting coach and won't be returning, I've slept in (what?!), I've driven 10 hours two weekends in a row and loved it, I've started liking Club Dance here after making connections with people, and so much more.