The Training Of A Soldier.

     Well. I made it. It's easy when you turn your gaze on sappers or rangers, but for those of us not-so-extradinary, it's an accomplishment. I had no idea what I was getting into, I just kind of jumped. I didn't really know what my job was or what osut meant. I thought I knew what questions to ask and that I'm pretty chill, but I learned a lot about myself. Sure, I learned military things like how to shoot a rifle, how to throw a grenade, how to do facing movements, inspection arms, and how to build bridges. More so I learned that I don't always give my all, selling myself short, I can be too sensitive, when I have nothing left, there's more there, and I don't respond to negative motivation.

     I took a while to learn things, some good and some bad. I'm more impatient because we're always rushed, cursing isn't rude any more, don't care what people say, but always keep a mirror in front of your personality, not everyone has good intentions or cares about respecting authority, yelling no longer phases me, how to handle stress, how to push back panic, and how great simplicity is. I no longer like phones as much or computers quite as much. I missed it some times, but after seeing people's actions with those devices, I realized how consumed we are by them, and how rude they make us. 

     I can easily say that I hated it at times, but putting the experience in my rear view saddens me. My goal is to go active duty, and continue on with the lifestyle I enjoy. To me, the army feels like a job; I now understand why soldiers reply that they're just doing their job when you thank them. I feel like little ole me, just a little sweatier, and a little harder working. My old normal is about to me my new normal again as I've adapted to the IET lifestyle. Something about having people right by your side all the time, no matter how much fighting goes on, is a great feeling. Saying bye to the temporary parents that your Drill Sargeants have been is just as hard. You come to trust them and know that they not only care but do what they have to to make you a better person and to keep you safe.

     Everyone asks what you want to do when you finish being in legal captivity. I have weight I want to lose, books I want to read, movies I want to watch, an online class in progress, sleep to catch up on, dancing to do, and places to be explored. I gained 100 or so battle buddies from these four months, I hold my head heigher, I strongly try not to speak into conversations, and I smile less.

     I can't say I was a much loved member of the 35th En Bn, but I stayed true to myself. I tried to uphold justice, I tried to be honest, I tried to help my battle buddies, and I consistently walked away from unnecessary arguing. I often times comes across as rude and bossy, and I was consistently reminded of that. I stood by "the worst they can do is say no" in a place where they usually will do worse. I never lost the bravery to ask a question, and I always exercised their desire to answer questions. 

     We all know my physical condition when I left and my constant counting of calories. In my little journey, I ate, I gained strength, and I gained a chunk of weight (11lb). I could say I regret it, but I don't. I'm ashamed of the lack of self control, sure, but I think the break was healthy, and I learned that my peers don't care if I'm a size 0 or 13, I bleed red just like they do. I left with 19 correct push-ups and I now make 37. My pull ups got better, my run worse and my sit ups the same.

     I withstood 15 weeks of mass punishment, starting in red phase, I did ruck marches, from a 4k to a 16k, I laid in the prone watching ticks crawl by, I went 4 days without showering, I dug a fighting position, I pulled guard duty, I experienced what true cold is, I forward marched into a lake, I woke up at 0445 daily, I experienced CS gas, I low crawled under live fire, I cleaned the fire out of weapons numerous times, I repelled down a 100ft tower, I carried battle buddies on my shoulders, and I sang plenty of cadence. Any physical or mental pain I ever experienced was well worth the outcome.
     I'm sad to not wake up with a purpose, to not have people to talk to, and to not be with my battle buddies. I now know why they say you never forget the path to becoming a soldier. My hope is to go active as soon as possible, and continue on.

 

Vazquez!

My most influential DS.

Fanolua!

On a 12C Boat!

     I'm proud of where I stand and what I stand for.

What I'm Expecting In Basic Training.

     Since I started the process, I've researched just about every question and aspect you can about Basic. What makes it more scary than any future Army training, is that you don't know what is coming or what to expect until you're there. I have plenty of people to ask, but there's certain aspects that make me nervous regardless of the fact I know it's coming. There's just something about knowing I have to walk into a gas chamber that doesn't sound fun to me!
     I go into this as a lifting female, and I know I won't come out looking the same. I'll lose muscle probably, hopefully some fat while I'm at it, I'll become a good runner, excellent at push ups, and if I'm lucky good at pull ups. There's pluses and minuses to being in good shape going in. The potential loss of performance, but a little more ease adapting to the amount of activity. Second, I can't count macros like I always do. I know they have a color-coded system which brings me a lot of ease, but it's a massive routine change. I can say, I look forward to eating 3 times a day like the average American.
     There's tons of small unknowns, like do I get to shave my legs, how bad are the issued glasses really, will I be able to hold it together during shots? I expect to have a blast being with people all day, working out in a group, being busy non stop, being active a lot, learning things few get to learn, facing unknowns, and over coming fears. One of the most common human fears is the one of heights. I'm in that category... one of the most infamous obstacles during training is the confidence tower. A rough 60ft tower to rappel down. No choice to not do it. So I look forward to learning how I react when I'm sleep deprived, scared, hungry, and looking down a 60 foot drop.
     When I return, maybe I'll make my bed on the daily, or maybe I'll still eat 3x's a day. Perhaps I'll just want to lay in bed for days on end and enjoy the quiet and peace. I won't get long before I do more training, start school, start ROTC, and become quite busy again, but that's who I am. I don't like to stay free, I'd rather be too busy to do anything.
     I have a feeling after the initial shock, I'm going to have a blast and be more glad then that I did it than I am now. The service provides opportunities to push yourself, and I love that aspect. If you like being busy, they'll keep you busy, which is right up my alley.
     Only a few days left in my favorite state with 5-peak days and random drizzles, but I've never been to Missouri, so I think I'll find it just as great. there's something to say for being cultured. If I could make a career out of travel, you'd never see me again. Which may be what I'm about to do!

Learning To Date Well. Part 2.

     Decisions in relationships don't weigh heavy on me because I feel it's a big decision necessarily, but because I'm dealing with someone else's feelings, and you never truly know how much of an impact you have on someone. When someone approaches me with an issue within a relationship, I feel like I should be working harder to fix it, (When approached in a non malicious manor.) and that I'm letting them down sometimes, but I look at their issues objectively, and try to be understanding. In other words, I look at myself with a magnifying glass, and them with a camera. How does that analogy work? I'm constantly zoomed in and analyzing what I'm doing, but their actions I zoom in on, but also look at a big picture. The day I got broken up with, I said this:

                   As I sat across from him, all I could think about when I responded, was to not make him feel bad for expressing the truth. Sometimes, no matter how much pain you feel, the other person still takes precedence.

      It may sound somewhat selfless to do such a thing, but when it comes down to it, you find yourself stuck in things because you don't want to hurt someone leaving. There's tactics to close something off in a way that's less hurtful to the closer, like letting it fade. This sounds like a fantastic idea, until I remember that was done to me and it was confusing and hurtful because he couldn't confront me and say what was going on. But he thought he didn't have to see me hurt face to face, so it was ok. The second tactic I know of, which has no benefits to the closer, and hopefully some to the one being closed (lol), is straight up confrontation. What makes that the hardest for the closer, is that they're seeing the emotion, perhaps they're even finding themselves being talked out of shutting it all down. That's the right way to go, but the hardest as you have to deal with the situation.
     In this time in electronics, face to face communication, or even talking on the phone, is a lost cause. People have lost the ability to handle confrontation. And I'm right there with them. In fact, when I starting a certain dating relationship, I said to them that one of my favorite things about them, was that they call. You hear their voice, the fluctuations in tone, and know how they feel when you say something. Now, when I stand at a hill with a crossroads on it, I want to do the same thing that hurt me before, when in reality, taking the step to be confrontational will build that skill.
     It's like speech class. We all hate it, but the only way to improve our ability to give a speech, is to do it. Same with sit ups, or how well we can handle a food competition. What makes these things even worse, (the confrontations, not feeling stuffed) is that there often are times, when the person is great, and you feel as though expressing yourself will make them feel inadequate. Am I soft? Maybe. Do I feel bad about it? No, it's part of learning and maturing. I have to learn that standing up for what I need isn't wrong.
     Part of learning to date well, is learning the proper way to express your feelings, opinions, needs, and desires, in a way that can be perceived well, and a way that is constructive. Perhaps things you say to someone now, will help them in a future relationship, because they can identify something they did wrong and work on that. Second, confrontation. If you can't be open, and say how you feel or what you need, not only will things get worse as they don't know they're not giving you what you need, but you're building a foundation on a lack of information and maybe even a little bit of deception. They think you're doing great, happy, when in reality, you're dying on the inside. You're doing both of you a disservice.

Learning To Date Well. Part 1.

     Some never learn from the past, and I suppose I figured people just do. Naturally. Something hurts you, and now you change so that doesn't happen, or are more attentive to people that have those actions that hurt you so you can guard yourself. In my boredom today, I picked up a book called "Boundaries in Dating", a present I received for Christmas after my past relationship. From a recent picture, people have noticed I've been dating someone. I've jumped about 10 steps forward in my dating maturity, by choice.
     I'll start with the book. I hadn't tried to do a lot of reading other than military based, and in my efforts to grow, I decided well why not. Some things hit me with an interest, but not necessarily things I hadn't thought of. "Where there is deception, there can be no relationship." I experienced a chunk of deception round one, and I'd like to think I learned from it, but this points it out from a new way. From the view point that deception is a show stopper right then and there. "You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything." Along with "People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work." The thought that honesty is such a deciding factor on every level never really crossed my mind. Honesty is a given for me, however I never thought about it being so effecting in areas other than things that would make you think someone is being unfaithful. A last favorite that I recognize to be extremely true, is "Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy." Doesn't it though, as it can be the hardest to be open that they have hurt you, but if you are able to, and they can accept it well, you've hit a new level. He described two types of liars, and while I don't lie about these things, I've found myself keeping them quiet for his reason which is not good either. Some hold back because they're scared of the reaction that may occur, which I have done. However, on the same token, as he also states, sharing every single hiccup you feel is just plain annoying. As I said to someone today, I try to make sure I have a grip on reality before deciding if the issue is truly something that needs to be brought up.
     I find myself hurt or rationalizing the option to be hurt, over something like the person you're dating hanging out with other people. Well hold on, are they supposed to give up their life and who they are for you? No. So before I even mention it, I take a moment to think about the whole picture, and control my emotions.
     Like every other woman in the universe, my emotions can be a little more emphasized during "that", and awareness of that is like gold I tell you. Once you can identify set offs, and times you are continuously more high strung and unrealistic, you've stumbled across something that will strengthen your ability to communicate effectively and appropriately. During one of my emotional moments, a second realization came to me. Building community, maintaining even friendships, and working through relationships with teachers, family, everyone, be it successful or not, takes energy. While that should be obvious, I suppose I didn't realize how much energy is really invested, especially when the relationship is more taxing than another. So, sometimes all that energy comes to a peak, and you have a day where you just need to feel like junk. To complain a little, and then come back to reality and see that it's A-OK. I've mentioned before the line "you make friends everywhere you go" or something to that extent that gets tossed at me from time to time. I then want to tell people, I invest mounds of energy as a person to make every relationship beneficial and positive, or as much as possible. I don't work daily, but at the end of a lot of days, I'm still tired. When I do spend a day at work, school, or in a socially rich environment, I'm wiped out. Perhaps, sometimes it's not that people aren't social or aren't good at relationships (of any kind, not strictly romantic), but that they just can't invest the enormous amounts of energy it takes to be very successful at them.
     As far as learning from the past, I've worked in collaboration with some close friends and family, to not be who I was. I've met someone, though it should be stated I've also learned over the past couple of months that some times a relationship exists to learn things, not because you're going to get married in 3 years or something of the sort. Anyways, I've been able to put into place massive personality adjustments, and almost take a settings panel to myself and go through and alter the entire thing. I can identify several places I've been able to grow and change, and partly due to the other persons actions and demeanor. All I can definitely say, is that it's fascinating how much of a difference some very simple changes can make in your over all happiness and health.

Time, Slow Down.

     When I was younger, I always wondered how time could possibly go faster when you get older like everyone over 25 would say. Or parents who didn't want their kids to grow up. Now that I don't spend my days sitting at school or watching TV, I now know exactly what is meant. I no longer can remember where I was two days ago, and by Wednesday the week is so long it feels like it's Friday. The part of me that hates sitting and watching TV all day is jumping with joy, but the rest of me didn't see this coming and isn't sure about it. Weekends used to be the plague, now I can't wait to not do anything for 12 hours. I know, very unlike myself! I feel very out of touch with the people around me. The amount of time I have to catch up with those I love is too limited. If I have both the energy AND the time to get to the gym, score.
     I have a few disappearing weeks left before I forget what this life is like and take on a whole other one. Between two writing intensive classes, training, the occasional catering job, 4 lifting days, cardio, cleaning, dating, and things like going to buy groceries, I'm wondering where the nap button is.
     The past two weekends I've spent in Washington visiting dear friends that I grew up with, and loving it more than life. I'm independent, but across the country from family. If I could see my literal parents every weekend, what a glorious thing. This would be the next best thing, whether we bowl, watch tv, or explore, I could care less, as long as I'm with the people I love.
     I wish I could sit and go into the details of all the things I've experienced lately, and to think it's only been 3 weeks that I've been home, now that's insane. I've been granted in-state tuition prices, for which I let out a scream, I've essentially not worked for money in 2 months, I've learned how prickly Sgt Majors are, I've made new acquaintances, I've been on my first military base, I've bought new clothes, I've learned I have one month left with my lifting coach and won't be returning, I've slept in (what?!), I've driven 10 hours two weekends in a row and loved it, I've started liking Club Dance here after making connections with people, and so much more.

How Did I Get Here?

     Have you ever looked around and thought to yourself how did I get here? Maybe we know some of the decisions we made that brought us to where we are at this time in our life, but somethings you couldn't have predicted or dreamt of at any time in your past. Sometimes you've dreamt of this moment your entire life and you have no doubt how or why you're sitting where you are. I didn't imagine I'd ever be sitting in a hotel telling people not to worry, and explaining the process theyre about to go through to get into the military.
     For once in my life, I'm able to see what people mean when they tell me I make friends very easily. I can't know why it is, but in the past week of unknowns I've encountered, I've met and learned the stories of so many people. I then realize how quiet people get with nerves and fear. Scared of questions, scared of the unknown, or perhaps just quiet. I've seen 4 words make or break a person and everything they've ever wanted, and I've heard people signing contracts just because they don't know what else they should do.
     I find myself no longer at a crossroad, not even approaching one, but at the most desirable place a person looking at the rest of their life can be. I find myself full of purpose, direction, and drive. While walking to my shuttle home yesterday, one of the men behind me goes "We're in the family.", and at that very moment, I knew I would never regret the life decision I made, and I would always be willing to do anything for my new family. The moment the Dr. said I had made the cut, I had one of those smiles you cannot hide. His statement was "I'm happy for you, but I can tell not as happy as you are!", and when I told the soldiers waiting with me I made it, he said "We could tell by your face!"
     I've spent years feeling like my life was going no where. Where my life now goes, is completely in my control. What a feeling. How I got here, I will never know; I'll just thank God I did.

My Experience Joining The US Army Reserves.

     Back in the beginning of December I decided that the Army Reserves had something to offer me, and I still feel very much this way. Since that time, I've spent countless hours researching the process, what I want to do, and how to best succeed at the level I want to. I started by finding out from a TN recruiter where I start the process, they told me I needed to start it here in Oregon, so I called a recruiter and I started my process. I had no idea the amount of paperwork and effort it takes to get into the service. People act like it's the easy way out, but that's not close to true. I had to dig up histories I barely remembered about, and find documentation on them. I've fought with my school to recognize me as a resident once I start this process, and I've chased ROTC majors all over the sun.
     When I got back in Oregon, I had filled out almost all of the paperwork. Then began the sitting process, and of course a few bumps in the road, like getting transcripts last minute which is very pricey. The military is a lot of hurry up and wait. I've sat for countless hours this week. In their defense, while they don't pay you for your time, they pay for any and all provisions. For my actual trip to enlist, I sat at my recruiter's office for 3 hours. I then took a ride to the station which is near airports for accessibility and shipping people out. I've asked questions to those who were supposed to be knowledgable and most definitely weren't, and I've found that I talk fairly softly when I'm nervous!
     I walked in, took my ASVAB, which if done using all the time allotted takes three hours. Luckily, being a fast test taker in general, I was out in under an hour. It was 1800 at that point. I was driven to a hotel with another guy who had taken some tests, given a room key and a meal ticket, and told there would be a safety briefing at 8:15. I say in my room on my laptop, and yes there was someone else's stuff in the room when I got there. I went down for my briefing, went upstairs, went to bed, and woke up at 0400 when my 17 year old high school senior roommate decided she was headed to hang out with the guys. She didn't brush her teeth or shower - I was mildly creeped out.
     Breakfast was ready at 0515, nothing awesome, and we were shipped to the MEPS center by 0545. When we arrived, we stood outside for about 5 minutes, then were shuffled through a metal detector and into a room for a procedure briefing. The man that did this..... was intimidating as all get out. He was in his usual Army uniform, had a very mild stutter, talked so fast you couldn't understand him, and didn't look anywhere but at the door or down. He was in his 40's.
     The process wasn't as hard or scary as he or the recruiters made it out to be. For the most part, it was laid back, efficient, and easy. We signed and filled out a stack of papers, I took the TAPAS, a personality test, and did a drug test, in which you're required to be watched. I thought I was going to freeze up, but when you need to pee, nothing is going to stop you. I then had my blood drawn by the          same man that gave the procedure briefing, who did a very good job. I had my vision tested and my hearing tested, in which I found out I have very good hearing, and I'm blind. The blindness would bite me in the butt later in the process. I was sent to see a Dr. who was very personable and intimidating. She read my history, asked a couple questions, and let me know I would not be enlisting that day. I started to tear up as my excitement had just been crushed. The issue was my eyes, I was .137 too blind in my left eye, so I have to go get a real optometrist to check them and see if I'm good to go. I was sent with the other three girls to strip down to bras and underwear, weigh, get our heights, then do mobility movements like the duck walk. We then put on gowns, and got checked lightly by the doctor. I was sent to see the head doctor, who confirmed my blindness, and told I would come back this week to get them tested and be able to swear in.
     I waited 5 hours, in which I ate lunch and talked to people, and a shuttle came to pick me up. I'm happy to be doing what I'm doing for sure, but what a process. I was also shocked by the amount of high school seniors going through. I didn't know what I wanted at 17, and signing into a 6 year contract sure wasn't it.