I had no idea what I was getting into, when I got into it. We didn't live together or date consistently before we got married. I've done some active duty time myself, and well... being married to the army isn't fun. There's no certainties, there's a lot of speculation and guessing, and a lot of waiting then hurrying or hurrying then waiting. When I was active, my schedule looked something like 6AM to 6PM. Now for the person doing that schedule, they're exhausted. Then they get home, and want to be in bed a solid 9 hours before they have to wake up again. That leaves about 3 hours left in their day. What do you think I did with that time? I tried to maintain some level of fitness, and I ate, showered, etc.
So imagine being married to that person. What are the pluses to it? I know when they come home, when they leave, and what they need ready for the next day. Now, let me take you through a walk in the special ops life. What's the schedule? You never know. It could be 8-6, it could be 10-3AM the next day, it could be 8 to 8, it could be 6am to 8pm. So... you don't know when they're coming home. Heck, they don't even. It's more like when they get all the work done for the day. You don't really know what they're doing the next day, if they need food or will be fed, or the mood they're going to come home in. Who is in a great mood after a 14 or 16 hour day? What kind of time does that leave in their day? Time to sleep. They must sacrifice sleep to eat, and shower. I'm fully aware they chose that life and career, and a lot of them love it. I think it's pretty cool myself, probably only because everyone out side of that community thinks it's cool.
But... it's not really cool to be married to their job just like they are. You get a lot more than just what meets the eye with this deal! For instance, and this is more an army thing than a special ops thing, we're waiting on orders. The speculation, and guess, was we would have them last week. The reality, is we still don't. The marriage to the army for me through him means they assume I don't have a job, or a life outside of him. How do I know when to put in a notice at my job? At our living community? At the gym? ....I don't. I more like can give them about a week notice at best. My conscious is pelted with guilt on those, how it must feel to be the one I'm talking to. Of course, just like when you're young and get broken up with, and hate to tell people the news because it looks like you hop from person to person, they probably aren't nearly as bothered by it as I am.
I'm a planner, and a scheduler, complete uncertainty and it being uncontrollable, is like chaos in my mind. Oh wait.... you mean I have to work on controlling that too? Does self improvement ever end? To this day, when I come home with groceries, and the trash stinks, and the dog has a mess all in the cage and on the floor surrounding, and I need to pee, and I need lunch because it's 2pm, and I need to clean the pile of dishes from my baking excursion, I become completely overwhelmed. I am always learning how to handle the small chaos' that arise and are not in my control.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?
I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.
What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
The Mysterious Mind.
There's some new mental "feelings" or experiences I'm ...experiencing, that seem so obscure and unordinary I wonder daily what my brain is doing, in general or perhaps to itself. I'm in this dreadful place for what should be a single purpose, but has become many purposes. I get to multitask being a student, being in the Army, being a person, and being a wife. Pretty much in that order too. The most common analogy is "it's like drinking from a fire hose" and while that feeling is true, try having your mind say no thanks. As in... I can hear what people are teaching, and I can regurgitate it, but if you want me to retain it, it's like I never heard it. My mind has generally shut down. There's many ideas as to what it could be. Over saturation, distraction, depression, or lack of effort. I was worried about it being a lack of effort, so I started to put in a lot more effort. Well, if anything it seems to be worse.
It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.
It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
My "How We Met" Story.
So as everyone probably knows, I got married March 1 here in Carmel at a quaint little restaurant and it was fun. Unlike most events, it went by super fast and I wish we had all had more time to enjoy each other. The food was good, the moments in the ceremony were fun and unexpected, it was memorable, and so was the not so ceremony on Feb 10. I feel like it's been much longer than just 5 weeks since I have seen family and all, yet at the same time, I can't believe I'm in week 6 of learning gibberish.
I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.
I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Self Esteem Before and After Basic Training.
The day before I shipped, I hit a weight high in a while after binging on a box.. or two.. of holiday poptarts. Why? Well BCT is supposed to get you in the best shape of your life. I'll burn it off. I'm sorry, since when do we plan on burning off a binge? I'm sharing with you what I decided to write to myself. It tells you how I felt about myself, and how I looked at myself.
When I came home, I was a different mind set completely after a short period. I realized people like you no matter how you look. Heck I looked like a man for 4 months. I gained to 138, and yet again tried to diet. I believe I made it to 133, and that was it. I fit into 1 pair of jeans for 4 months, yes, 1 pair. I never bought poptarts again, and I realized that this issue isn't about a 4 month cut or weight loss period. It's about the next 60 years. Well.. maybe 50. When I make it to my 70's and 80's I will be happy and fat as ever. Now at a "high" 130, I'm happier than ever. I'm living like the rest of the world, I'm lifting and stronger than ever, but I gave myself a massive eye opener when I went back and read that the day I came home. I realized I needed what happened to me. Now I look at other people dieting, and usually think ...you could have it so much easier. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason I've done a 180 with my mind set, but I have no idea. I just know that this person and this mind set is 100X's better than the old one. I live a much happier life now that I've learned what living needs to be, and what lifting needs to be in my life.Dear soldier,I write to you on your last day before you enter the soldier life and forget what being a civilian is. Today, you gorged on pop tarts. You used leaving as an excuse to eat, and sickness to lay around all day. You need help. You have a bad relationship with food, and I hope that now, as you’re back from a break, control and eating only 3 times a day is easy for you.All you want, is to weigh under 120 pounds today, and fit into your clothes comfortably, and that is the biggest burden on your mind, yet you eat 6.5 packages of poptarts? What is wrong with you. You know you can’t diet, and you prayed today that you could even rationalize this as an attempt to speed up your metabolism, but you knew today that 3500 kcal is plain over eating. Even while you were in basic.I hope today, that as you’ve read this, you can have peace of mind you ate healthy in basic, and did what you should’ve to treat your body well. You ate too much today, justified it, and are sick both mentally and physically. You took laxatives to try to make yourself feel better. I know that 118 means the world to me right now, but I hope you are different when you return.I hope you train hard, eat well, don’t eat out, don’t step on the scale and go by the mirror. I hope you love yourself, and I hope you fit comfortably into your clothes and can be happy with your reflection. Men see you as attractive.... see yourself that way please. You will quickly become who you were. 128 becomes 135, and before you remember, you’re a size 14 again. You’re so happy when you’re comfortable. Control yourself. Don’t be a purger, or an anorexic, be normal, and love yourself for controlling yourself.I hope you loved BCT, and I hope you come back knowing you have 2 months or less to look great for Kevin when he returns. Get your ass under the bar, and control your appetite. You can do this, and you’ll be proud when you did!Civilian Wright.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Learning Who We Are and Who We Were.
I started a conversation today with a friend I don't talk to very often, and I was reminded of their opinion of me in very few words. Something along the lines of "Crazy! ... That you're so young!" I recalled former e-mails and things they had said, then remembered how old I was when I first met them. They read this very blog and pushed me to think deeper, while applauding me for trying to be insightful at the same time. Those people that guide us without intending to do so, and help us discover ourselves by just being themselves, are magical.
I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.
I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Lost in a Sea of Busy, Emotionless, Life.
When I left for training, or got back, people told me they missed my blog. It's been 2 months that I haven't wanted to write. Either things have transpired that I don't want to publicly say, or I forgot that I say everything publicly in hopes someone can relate and neither of us will feel so foreign as we walk through life. In september, Kevin broke up with me, whom I'd been with since the november before. It sucked for a minute. I cried. We're friends. That's the story. Kevin had that balancing personality trait I wrote about before. A few people around me have it that I can get the energy from, K'anna, my parents, those unconditional people that don't get bad at you because they take all of your negative words with a grain of salt, or just aren't listening when you speak. It really could go either way.
I accomplished the sky diving. Yep. Got my "A" license, so I can jump with friends. I actually just did my first two way, and what an experience! There's something phenomenal about jumping with someone. When you leap out of an aircraft, there's nothing except you, and in this case Seth. There's no thinking about who is mad at you, how tired you are, how hungry you are, how sad you are, there's just you, a ripcord, and silence. I haven't gotten to hit up any other drop zones since getting my license, and I can admit that Washington isn't the best state to get licensed in, but I've met some cool people doing it and made new acquaintances.
Since moving I've hit new lifting personal bests, like 165 squat, and 200 DL. I've learned new movements, and jumped back and forth between a conventional gym and crossfitting. I don't ever stay one place long. Be it a state or a gym. I've also gone from 140 pounds to 130, and back down 2 pant sizes. Thank heavens because the world knows my "woes of weight" is a slippery slope! I've done paleo, I've binged, I've splurged, I've..... lived. I feel like that includes regretless. I was climbing, but kind of waded away from that when I started skydiving. One fee or another, money ain't free.
I've grown close yet again to my childhood best friend. There's nothing like rekindling a fire that was so big and bright when you saw it last. Some people never change, some do. We did. We're almost the same person these days. We experience a lot of the same things, think the same way, and embrace life a lot alike. I'm not the best at making female friends, so in this state I'm kind of lacking, but in Oregon, plentiful! Tennessee, plentiful! Takes time, friends.
One change in myself that seems to be permanent thus far from training, is not caring. Or in reality, I tell myself I don't care so I will hurt less. I went through a lot of emotional pain in my training that I hadn't ever faced, and I learned after a long time if I didn't care, it wouldn't get to me. Well, I used to be a super caring person, and thus much more sensitive than I am now. While I miss that super caring person, I enjoy my lack of sensitivity. I'm still just as resilient as I always was, and still get hurt, but much less. K'anna calls me heartless from some of the things I say, and deep down I don't think I mean half of them, because I'm not heartless, but I've formed this massive wall I can't see over, and neither can anyone else, where I act heartless and have this facade that I don't care how you are towards me, but under it, I'm like a small crying child. I never mean an insult, I'm not malicious, and I'm not vengeful. I would hug out everything if I could. But life doesn't work like that. Though this new part of me is also much more willing to express feelings, frustrations, angers, and not sit in things until they become too much.
My to be active status is well on its way, seems February I should move to California. I want to go, but I don't really want to. Sure, steady income is solid, and living super close to a DZ is solid, but I do have a life here now, and I have people here I love being around. Though you can always revisit your past. I'm going to OR this month and TN next, here I come time machine.
I accomplished the sky diving. Yep. Got my "A" license, so I can jump with friends. I actually just did my first two way, and what an experience! There's something phenomenal about jumping with someone. When you leap out of an aircraft, there's nothing except you, and in this case Seth. There's no thinking about who is mad at you, how tired you are, how hungry you are, how sad you are, there's just you, a ripcord, and silence. I haven't gotten to hit up any other drop zones since getting my license, and I can admit that Washington isn't the best state to get licensed in, but I've met some cool people doing it and made new acquaintances.
Since moving I've hit new lifting personal bests, like 165 squat, and 200 DL. I've learned new movements, and jumped back and forth between a conventional gym and crossfitting. I don't ever stay one place long. Be it a state or a gym. I've also gone from 140 pounds to 130, and back down 2 pant sizes. Thank heavens because the world knows my "woes of weight" is a slippery slope! I've done paleo, I've binged, I've splurged, I've..... lived. I feel like that includes regretless. I was climbing, but kind of waded away from that when I started skydiving. One fee or another, money ain't free.
I've grown close yet again to my childhood best friend. There's nothing like rekindling a fire that was so big and bright when you saw it last. Some people never change, some do. We did. We're almost the same person these days. We experience a lot of the same things, think the same way, and embrace life a lot alike. I'm not the best at making female friends, so in this state I'm kind of lacking, but in Oregon, plentiful! Tennessee, plentiful! Takes time, friends.
One change in myself that seems to be permanent thus far from training, is not caring. Or in reality, I tell myself I don't care so I will hurt less. I went through a lot of emotional pain in my training that I hadn't ever faced, and I learned after a long time if I didn't care, it wouldn't get to me. Well, I used to be a super caring person, and thus much more sensitive than I am now. While I miss that super caring person, I enjoy my lack of sensitivity. I'm still just as resilient as I always was, and still get hurt, but much less. K'anna calls me heartless from some of the things I say, and deep down I don't think I mean half of them, because I'm not heartless, but I've formed this massive wall I can't see over, and neither can anyone else, where I act heartless and have this facade that I don't care how you are towards me, but under it, I'm like a small crying child. I never mean an insult, I'm not malicious, and I'm not vengeful. I would hug out everything if I could. But life doesn't work like that. Though this new part of me is also much more willing to express feelings, frustrations, angers, and not sit in things until they become too much.
My to be active status is well on its way, seems February I should move to California. I want to go, but I don't really want to. Sure, steady income is solid, and living super close to a DZ is solid, but I do have a life here now, and I have people here I love being around. Though you can always revisit your past. I'm going to OR this month and TN next, here I come time machine.
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