Time, Slow Down.

     When I was younger, I always wondered how time could possibly go faster when you get older like everyone over 25 would say. Or parents who didn't want their kids to grow up. Now that I don't spend my days sitting at school or watching TV, I now know exactly what is meant. I no longer can remember where I was two days ago, and by Wednesday the week is so long it feels like it's Friday. The part of me that hates sitting and watching TV all day is jumping with joy, but the rest of me didn't see this coming and isn't sure about it. Weekends used to be the plague, now I can't wait to not do anything for 12 hours. I know, very unlike myself! I feel very out of touch with the people around me. The amount of time I have to catch up with those I love is too limited. If I have both the energy AND the time to get to the gym, score.
     I have a few disappearing weeks left before I forget what this life is like and take on a whole other one. Between two writing intensive classes, training, the occasional catering job, 4 lifting days, cardio, cleaning, dating, and things like going to buy groceries, I'm wondering where the nap button is.
     The past two weekends I've spent in Washington visiting dear friends that I grew up with, and loving it more than life. I'm independent, but across the country from family. If I could see my literal parents every weekend, what a glorious thing. This would be the next best thing, whether we bowl, watch tv, or explore, I could care less, as long as I'm with the people I love.
     I wish I could sit and go into the details of all the things I've experienced lately, and to think it's only been 3 weeks that I've been home, now that's insane. I've been granted in-state tuition prices, for which I let out a scream, I've essentially not worked for money in 2 months, I've learned how prickly Sgt Majors are, I've made new acquaintances, I've been on my first military base, I've bought new clothes, I've learned I have one month left with my lifting coach and won't be returning, I've slept in (what?!), I've driven 10 hours two weekends in a row and loved it, I've started liking Club Dance here after making connections with people, and so much more.

How Did I Get Here?

     Have you ever looked around and thought to yourself how did I get here? Maybe we know some of the decisions we made that brought us to where we are at this time in our life, but somethings you couldn't have predicted or dreamt of at any time in your past. Sometimes you've dreamt of this moment your entire life and you have no doubt how or why you're sitting where you are. I didn't imagine I'd ever be sitting in a hotel telling people not to worry, and explaining the process theyre about to go through to get into the military.
     For once in my life, I'm able to see what people mean when they tell me I make friends very easily. I can't know why it is, but in the past week of unknowns I've encountered, I've met and learned the stories of so many people. I then realize how quiet people get with nerves and fear. Scared of questions, scared of the unknown, or perhaps just quiet. I've seen 4 words make or break a person and everything they've ever wanted, and I've heard people signing contracts just because they don't know what else they should do.
     I find myself no longer at a crossroad, not even approaching one, but at the most desirable place a person looking at the rest of their life can be. I find myself full of purpose, direction, and drive. While walking to my shuttle home yesterday, one of the men behind me goes "We're in the family.", and at that very moment, I knew I would never regret the life decision I made, and I would always be willing to do anything for my new family. The moment the Dr. said I had made the cut, I had one of those smiles you cannot hide. His statement was "I'm happy for you, but I can tell not as happy as you are!", and when I told the soldiers waiting with me I made it, he said "We could tell by your face!"
     I've spent years feeling like my life was going no where. Where my life now goes, is completely in my control. What a feeling. How I got here, I will never know; I'll just thank God I did.

My Experience Joining The US Army Reserves.

     Back in the beginning of December I decided that the Army Reserves had something to offer me, and I still feel very much this way. Since that time, I've spent countless hours researching the process, what I want to do, and how to best succeed at the level I want to. I started by finding out from a TN recruiter where I start the process, they told me I needed to start it here in Oregon, so I called a recruiter and I started my process. I had no idea the amount of paperwork and effort it takes to get into the service. People act like it's the easy way out, but that's not close to true. I had to dig up histories I barely remembered about, and find documentation on them. I've fought with my school to recognize me as a resident once I start this process, and I've chased ROTC majors all over the sun.
     When I got back in Oregon, I had filled out almost all of the paperwork. Then began the sitting process, and of course a few bumps in the road, like getting transcripts last minute which is very pricey. The military is a lot of hurry up and wait. I've sat for countless hours this week. In their defense, while they don't pay you for your time, they pay for any and all provisions. For my actual trip to enlist, I sat at my recruiter's office for 3 hours. I then took a ride to the station which is near airports for accessibility and shipping people out. I've asked questions to those who were supposed to be knowledgable and most definitely weren't, and I've found that I talk fairly softly when I'm nervous!
     I walked in, took my ASVAB, which if done using all the time allotted takes three hours. Luckily, being a fast test taker in general, I was out in under an hour. It was 1800 at that point. I was driven to a hotel with another guy who had taken some tests, given a room key and a meal ticket, and told there would be a safety briefing at 8:15. I say in my room on my laptop, and yes there was someone else's stuff in the room when I got there. I went down for my briefing, went upstairs, went to bed, and woke up at 0400 when my 17 year old high school senior roommate decided she was headed to hang out with the guys. She didn't brush her teeth or shower - I was mildly creeped out.
     Breakfast was ready at 0515, nothing awesome, and we were shipped to the MEPS center by 0545. When we arrived, we stood outside for about 5 minutes, then were shuffled through a metal detector and into a room for a procedure briefing. The man that did this..... was intimidating as all get out. He was in his usual Army uniform, had a very mild stutter, talked so fast you couldn't understand him, and didn't look anywhere but at the door or down. He was in his 40's.
     The process wasn't as hard or scary as he or the recruiters made it out to be. For the most part, it was laid back, efficient, and easy. We signed and filled out a stack of papers, I took the TAPAS, a personality test, and did a drug test, in which you're required to be watched. I thought I was going to freeze up, but when you need to pee, nothing is going to stop you. I then had my blood drawn by the          same man that gave the procedure briefing, who did a very good job. I had my vision tested and my hearing tested, in which I found out I have very good hearing, and I'm blind. The blindness would bite me in the butt later in the process. I was sent to see a Dr. who was very personable and intimidating. She read my history, asked a couple questions, and let me know I would not be enlisting that day. I started to tear up as my excitement had just been crushed. The issue was my eyes, I was .137 too blind in my left eye, so I have to go get a real optometrist to check them and see if I'm good to go. I was sent with the other three girls to strip down to bras and underwear, weigh, get our heights, then do mobility movements like the duck walk. We then put on gowns, and got checked lightly by the doctor. I was sent to see the head doctor, who confirmed my blindness, and told I would come back this week to get them tested and be able to swear in.
     I waited 5 hours, in which I ate lunch and talked to people, and a shuttle came to pick me up. I'm happy to be doing what I'm doing for sure, but what a process. I was also shocked by the amount of high school seniors going through. I didn't know what I wanted at 17, and signing into a 6 year contract sure wasn't it.

Oh The Mysteries of 2013.

     It's time for goals! This year has been such a roller coaster, via injury, emotional things, mental things, my lifting goals were hard to accomplish. Not to mention, my bodyweight bench last year was awful form. I may have not hit paper goals for the year, but I certainly exceeded expectations of myself in how to handle situations and how to be independent.

1. Start a true bulk  ☑
2. Appreciate people for the little things  ☑
3. Retain my bodyweight bench press
4. Improve my verbal expression of my feelings  ☑
5. Try making my own sammich bread
6. Add 10lbs to my row, lat pull, and incline

They weren't as successful as last year. This year?

1. Enjoy the process - BT, relationships, school
2. Raise my GPA by .2
3. Add $1,000 to my current savings account total
4. Quit drinking soda
5. Do 100 consecutive pushups/situps

     This year excites me, because I have so many new things coming my way. The Army and its trainings, full time school, the opportunity to make more friends, personal income raises... a lot of fears about this year are all components I have the capability to control myself, and when you control your own pass or fail, the weight is much heavier. I desire to push myself harder than I want to, in order to achieve things I don't think possible.

     I go home in a week, and I will hit the ground running and ready to crash through the walls that face me be it emotionally, physically or mentally. I have massive satisfaction in the fact that I'm choosing my future instead of letting it come about as it desires. As always, my 2013 will kick off with a long prayer for everyone I've ever encountered.

Communication That Doesn't Work.

     My personal communication style, is honest, straightforward, and generally literal. We encounter many style of communication throughout our travels, some wanting to make us rip our hear out, and some that are like ours therefore we understand them well. Of course, sometimes, even when it's like ours, we hate it, and we never wonder why other people dislike our own way of communicating. It's seldom I meet someone who is as straightforward and honest about things as I am. I've grown up in a passive aggressive home, and while I can be also, I had an "Aha Moment" in realizing that's why we fight every time we are under the same roof. A second frustration causer for us, is my "get it done" attitude, verses the "I can do it later" attitude. A third.... I'm basic, and a bare-minimums kind of girl, unlike the rest of my family. I'm totally comfortable with my life the way it is, as I find myself to be not much different than most people my age.
     These specific communication bumps haven't been obvious to me in the past. I knew we clashed, yet still loved each other, but I couldn't put my finger on what the exact irritant was. Someone told me yesterday - don't react, trust me, you're better than that. And for her, I'm going to try to honor just that statement. While passive aggressive isn't right, and it's ineffective, I have a choice to take the high road in those moments. I can't say I know entirely what that is, but I now know how it feels to those I've been passive aggressive to and it irritated them a fair amount.
     In two weeks I fly back to my home, I start school, and I start my enlistment. This semester in school, I'm taking geography, and a lower level criminal justice class. I've always had this thought, that the more knowledge you can and choose to acquire about everything possible - careers, systems, strategies, thought patters - the smarter you are in general. Being amazing at computer science, doesn't make you smart. It makes you good at one thing, but only one thing. What about being able to answer questions in areas other than your own, or having the knowledge to be proficient in many things. That, I find to be very impressive, and wise. While it won't matter when you're gone how much you knew, I feel one's life is much richer when lived in knowledge and learning.
     I'm not really into law to be honest, and though I don't have a desire to do Criminal Justice, or Legal Studies, I know when I am in the middle of it and I come out the other side, I will be very satisfied that my knowledge base is much broader than it was before or than it would've been on my former major choice.
     As previously mentioned, I swear in the 11, which is the same date I find out where I go for basic, and when I go. Christmas this year whispered a hint of support from my parents in what I'm about to do. I received a Baby G (G shock) watch, an evidently common military used watch (I would've guessed Garmin), gift certificates for my packing list and to buy more of the books I've been engulfing. This process has been long, intense, and tiring. When I would usually be bored with a vacation like this, I've been googling any down time I have, to wipe away fears caused by the unknown. The fear is dissipating, yet I know a healthy fear keeps away the shock of things that were unexpected. Confusing statement, but true.

When Shit Gets Real....And Joining the Army.

     I proposed the thoughts I have in my last blog, and this time I come to confirm them. I am in fact joining the US Army, and I am in fact scared and excited. As I made arrangements yesterday to find a home for my closest friend, Puddles, my heart tore in two. Puddles has been there when I get home, he's licked my tears in my hardest moments, and he's been there to let me hug on and talk to every day for months. I had a hard time deciding who was fit to take such treasure to me, and feared his mistreatment due to his behavior. I'm a laid back person and I can roll with the punches of the things he tends to do without getting too agitated, but not everyone is like that. Moments after my mom told me to pray after seeing my concern, someone told they will be able to give him a great home.
     That moment, I knew what I was doing, and I knew that my life is about to have direction. This past semester in particular I've put school on the back burner, because working is where my heart is. I'd rather work full time than have a degree and get rich. I'm able to immediately see the fruits of my labor when I work while when in school, you don't see anything for years. Unfortunately, that landed my GPA in an undesirable range. I've yet to see the 2's, but a low 3 isn't good enough for what I want in my life.
     Why do I want to join? After reading the real life war stories of infantrymen, I saw what drove them, what they were fighting for, and their support for each other. I am compelled to enlist, because I want to spend my life working on something that will make a difference when I'm gone. I want to support those around me, and be supported, and I want to do something outside of myself. I don't plan to do an 8 year run, God willing, I want to do it as a career.
     How's it going to work? I will swear into the Army Reserves as a PFC on January 11, 2013. I'll receive a physical and I'll sign a contract to serve the country. I will at that point, become a resident of Oregon, enabling me to take full time classes, and have my tuition covered. I will go to Basic Training and Advanced Individual Training after a few months, and be back to start full time school in the fall. Rumor right now, is in the reserves I'll be a Horizontal Engineer to fill the need in my area. Once a month I will go on a weekend to continue my training. Come fall, I'll become part of the ROTC and hold a Simultaneous Membership (SMP). I'll take Military Science classes, stay in shape through ROTC, and do weekend trainings with them as well.
     My major may change, school will become my biggest concern to improve my GPA, and I'll work less to be able to focus more. Currently I'm deciding between Criminal Justice with a Health minor or CJ with a Legal Studies minor. If the Army is my career, Exercise Science won't do too much for me, however if I still want to do some studies in the area, a health minor provides that for me. I love my job, and will miss the ability to work 30 hours in a week, but once I take the burden of tuition off my parents, and I'm receiving income through both the ROTC and the AR, the income won't be as vital.
     My parents and friends all have stated they completely support the decision, and it almost solidifies my confidence more. A close friend pointed out to me yesterday that though they support me, the decision was made quickly, which can lead to regret. I do agree with them, but I've wanted to find a secure path for myself for over a year. As I said earlier, working is my love, and not knowing when I graduate college where things would land as to supporting myself has been an inner concern. This is the opportunity I've been wanting.
     I head to a surgeon the 27th of December to close the gauges in my ears, I take puddles to his new owner January 2nd, I get my stitches out the 3rd, and I fly home the 7th. Once home, I start school the 8th, I fill out all of my paperwork the 8th, and I head to Portland the 10-11 to finish swearing in and getting tests finished. I will miss my best friend more than knowing I can change my mind about my future, and I will eagerly await the day I start Basic, I got to AIT, and I have personal confirmation that I will be something with myself other than a void to the society.

The Crossroads We Face in Finding Ourselves

     As all of Facebook now knows, I've randomly become a reader. Facebook (and everyone that knows me) also knows I'm open. I've seen what being able to relate does to people, and I have no issues sharing my life. This year has brought a multitude of growth, both mentally and emotionally. I've heard many-a-time that college is where we find ourselves, and I can't admit that I disagree, but I can admit that it hasn't helped me find myself in anyway.
     I've never been involved in my schools' hoopla they have; parties, sororities, the stuff that they say makes you successful in college and looks good on any resume. I'm social, but to an extent. I easily find my inadequacies, and I easily get bored at large social events where I know I won't be engaged. Perhaps in some ways I have already found bits of myself in learning these things. I knew when I did my first college tour of the school I knew I was going to, I was never going to get a job because my resume would suck.
     Now, after strong growth spirts, I can tell you first hand, that changing your mind is A OK! When I first met my buddy, JC Deen, I thought .....this guy is crazy! It's working for him somehow, but he's going to end up homeless because he never finished his degree. Well let me tell you, that after being encouraged to follow my desires instead of society, life couldn't be more perfect. Every time I come to these crossroads in finding myself, I generally make the decision I'm advised by the majority not to make. Be it quitting school after 2 days, moving across the country, or dating online. I've always been strong willed, and willing to fail to get it right eventually. I haven't failed myself yet really.
     Why did I mention the reading to begin with? Well, I'm walking right toward the next crossroads of my life. I'm generally seen as making life decisions on the fly and emotionally stacking them. Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, but it's working for me folks. If I backed out of moving, well, I would've missed out on absolutely amazing moments and opportunities. Reading, right. I've been solely reading personal accounts of war memories and experiences. I wouldn't be able to stand reading them if I knew they were fiction. Why does something that never occurred matter to me in any capacity?
     I write today with a very tired mind, and lazy eyes, as my days recently have been spent working my mind to death to find some semblance of a turn signal. I'm sure you may have an idea where I'm going with the books and the crossroads combined. Yes, I'm strongly compelled to actually do something with my life. I can't perform the duties I'm learning about, personally or legally, but I can serve in other capacities. I'm researching, learning, asking, and mentally disputing. There's advantages and disadvantages to serving your country, neither weighing heavier than the other at this moment. I see freedom from a few I'm burdening, but I also see the captivity of their emotions rather than their finances. I see personal independence, but I also see the commitment. No hasty decisions from this one.
     If I chose to take this route, I'd feel important to something, smart, helpful, and I'd have to alter my body to fit certain regulations. Little did I know in 8th grade that 4 years down the road I would be wishing I hadn't altered my body and that it could hinder me from employment.
     Does deployment scare me? No. Does physical training scare me? No. Does failing someone when they need me most? Yes. I can entirely understand the intense commitment and dedication by those who serve for us daily. I'd be the same way. I find the business and physical aspects rather appealing. For now, I mull, I wait, and I talk, until some decision feels more clear than another to me.