My "How We Met" Story.

     So as everyone probably knows, I got married March 1 here in Carmel at a quaint little restaurant and it was fun. Unlike most events, it went by super fast and I wish we had all had more time to enjoy each other. The food was good, the moments in the ceremony were fun and unexpected, it was memorable, and so was the not so ceremony on Feb 10. I feel like it's been much longer than just 5 weeks since I have seen family and all, yet at the same time, I can't believe I'm in week 6 of learning gibberish.
     I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
     That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
     I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
     Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
     On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.

Self Esteem Before and After Basic Training.

     The day before I shipped, I hit a weight high in a while after binging on a box.. or two.. of holiday poptarts. Why? Well BCT is supposed to get you in the best shape of your life. I'll burn it off. I'm sorry, since when do we plan on burning off a binge? I'm sharing with you what I decided to write to myself. It tells you how I felt about myself, and how I looked at myself.

Dear soldier,

I write to you on your last day before you enter the soldier life and forget what being a civilian is. Today, you gorged on pop tarts. You used leaving as an excuse to eat, and sickness to lay around all day. You need help. You have a bad relationship with food, and I hope that now, as you’re back from a break, control and eating only 3 times a day is easy for you.

All you want, is to weigh under 120 pounds today, and fit into your clothes comfortably, and that is the biggest burden on your mind, yet you eat 6.5 packages of poptarts? What is wrong with you. You know you can’t diet, and you prayed today that you could even rationalize this as an attempt to speed up your metabolism, but you knew today that 3500 kcal is plain over eating. Even while you were in basic.

I hope today, that as you’ve read this, you can have peace of mind you ate healthy in basic, and did what you should’ve to treat your body well. You ate too much today, justified it, and are sick both mentally and physically. You took laxatives to try to make yourself feel better. I know that 118 means the world to me right now, but I hope you are different when you return.

I hope you train hard, eat well, don’t eat out, don’t step on the scale and go by the mirror. I hope you love yourself, and I hope you fit comfortably into your clothes and can be happy with your reflection. Men see you as attractive.... see yourself that way please. You will quickly become who you were. 128 becomes 135, and before you remember, you’re a size 14 again. You’re so happy when you’re comfortable. Control yourself. Don’t be a purger, or an anorexic, be normal, and love yourself for controlling yourself.

I hope you loved BCT, and I hope you come back knowing you have 2 months or less to look great for Kevin when he returns. Get your ass under the bar, and control your appetite. You can do this, and you’ll be proud when you did!

Civilian Wright.

     When I came home, I was a different mind set completely after a short period. I realized people like you no matter how you look. Heck I looked like a man for 4 months. I gained to 138, and yet again tried to diet. I believe I made it to 133, and that was it. I fit into 1 pair of jeans for 4 months, yes, 1 pair. I never bought poptarts again, and I realized that this issue isn't about a 4 month cut or weight loss period. It's about the next 60 years. Well.. maybe 50. When I make it to my 70's and 80's I will be happy and fat as ever. Now at a "high" 130, I'm happier than ever. I'm living like the rest of the world, I'm lifting and stronger than ever, but I gave myself a massive eye opener when I went back and read that the day I came home. I realized I needed what happened to me. Now I look at other people dieting, and usually think ...you could have it so much easier. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason I've done a 180 with my mind set, but I have no idea. I just know that this person and this mind set is 100X's better than the old one. I live a much happier life now that I've learned what living needs to be, and what lifting needs to be in my life.

Learning Who We Are and Who We Were.

     I started a conversation today with a friend I don't talk to very often, and I was reminded of their opinion of me in very few words. Something along the lines of "Crazy! ... That you're so young!" I recalled former e-mails and things they had said, then remembered how old I was when I first met them. They read this very blog and pushed me to think deeper, while applauding me for trying to be insightful at the same time. Those people that guide us without intending to do so, and help us discover ourselves by just being themselves, are magical.
     I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
     Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
     I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
     I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
     I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
     Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.

Lost in a Sea of Busy, Emotionless, Life.

     When I left for training, or got back, people told me they missed my blog. It's been 2 months that I haven't wanted to write. Either things have transpired that I don't want to publicly say, or I forgot that I say everything publicly in hopes someone can relate and neither of us will feel so foreign as we walk through life. In september, Kevin broke up with me, whom I'd been with since the november before. It sucked for a minute. I cried. We're friends. That's the story. Kevin had that balancing personality trait I wrote about before. A few people around me have it that I can get the energy from, K'anna, my parents, those unconditional people that don't get bad at you because they take all of your negative words with a grain of salt, or just aren't listening when you speak. It really could go either way.
     I accomplished the sky diving. Yep. Got my "A" license, so I can jump with friends. I actually just did my first two way, and what an experience! There's something phenomenal about jumping with someone. When you leap out of an aircraft, there's nothing except you, and in this case Seth. There's no thinking about who is mad at you, how tired you are, how hungry you are, how sad you are, there's just you, a ripcord, and silence. I haven't gotten to hit up any other drop zones since getting my license, and I can admit that Washington isn't the best state to get licensed in, but I've met some cool people doing it and made new acquaintances.
     Since moving I've hit new lifting personal bests, like 165 squat, and 200 DL. I've learned new movements, and jumped back and forth between a conventional gym and crossfitting. I don't ever stay one place long. Be it a state or a gym. I've also gone from 140 pounds to 130, and back down 2 pant sizes. Thank heavens because the world knows my "woes of weight" is a slippery slope! I've done paleo, I've binged, I've splurged, I've..... lived. I feel like that includes regretless. I was climbing, but kind of waded away from that when I started skydiving. One fee or another, money ain't free.
     I've grown close yet again to my childhood best friend. There's nothing like rekindling a fire that was so big and bright when you saw it last. Some people never change, some do. We did. We're almost the same person these days. We experience a lot of the same things, think the same way, and embrace life a lot alike. I'm not the best at making female friends, so in this state I'm kind of lacking, but in Oregon, plentiful! Tennessee, plentiful! Takes time, friends.
     One change in myself that seems to be permanent thus far from training, is not caring. Or in reality, I tell myself I don't care so I will hurt less. I went through a lot of emotional pain in my training that I hadn't ever faced, and I learned after a long time if I didn't care, it wouldn't get to me. Well, I used to be a super caring person, and thus much more sensitive than I am now. While I miss that super caring person, I enjoy my lack of sensitivity. I'm still just as resilient as I always was, and still get hurt, but  much less. K'anna calls me heartless from some of the things I say, and deep down I don't think I mean half of them, because I'm not heartless, but I've formed this massive wall I can't see over, and neither can anyone else, where I act heartless and have this facade that I don't care how you are towards me, but under it, I'm like a small crying child. I never mean an insult, I'm not malicious, and I'm not vengeful. I would hug out everything if I could. But life doesn't work like that. Though this new part of me is also much more willing to express feelings, frustrations, angers, and not sit in things until they become too much.
     My to be active status is well on its way, seems February I should move to California. I want to go, but I don't really want to. Sure, steady income is solid, and living super close to a DZ is solid, but I do have a life here now, and I have people here I love being around. Though you can always revisit your past. I'm going to OR this month and TN next, here I come time machine.

One Arm in Front of the Other.

     Since moving to Wa in August, I've realized that all those years I thought I couldn't live with people, I was doing it wrong. I hated living alone, but didn't want anyone on my kitchen aide. Well lemme tell ya, roommates are way better than how I've been living. For those of us that need some interaction other than their 2 hours at the gym, it's swell. There's always a cleaning issue, or noise issue, or you didn't lock the door issue, but at this point in my life, I take things in stride. What do crazy emotions or opinions do for me anyways? Nothing. One of the opaque rules of living here was taking up climbing. So I did. I got a harness, some shoes, and some bravery. Which brings me to my next two points. Or three.
     After my IET for the Army, I decided this fear thing is bullshit. Whose idea was that anyways?! They say fear is healthy, and where does this apply? I might say it's common sense. You don't have to be afraid of sharks or lightening, just know not to mess with them. I've been afraid of heights my entire life, which I found out is even half normal. Phew. I'd actually been climbing once in Ga, but that was before I was even a legal adult. I was ready to cry when I first went up a rock, or a wall, which ever you visualize better, but I just decided if they hadn't died before me that I'd probably come down in one piece, or at least survive a 20' drop. So now I climb, one measly little finger grip in front of the other.
     Next sport on my list, sky diving. Yes, as in plummeting towards Washington at 120mph. I tried it in Oregon in July, it was beyond description to look at 5 mountain peeks at once from 5,000 feet inside of nothing but air. Washington doesn't really have that view from where I jump, but it's still just as amazing. I don't really think people go for the arial view anyways. I've now done 3 tandem jumps, and on the 21st (Sep) I take the course to jump solo. What. Who would've thought. Now believe me, my nerves nearly convince me every time not to step out of a plane, but the second you're out, you know why you did it. It's an amazing feeling.
     One of the reasons I signed a contract to Obama, is because I saw that the military represents a lack of fear, and I find that to be phenomenal. And it's an attractive quality. People that can say they can without knowing if they can, and trying anyways. I can't say I'll ever be there, but I'm squelching one fear at a time to mentally match what I want to do physically. But more on the whole military thing.... I took the DLAB, crossed my fingers for the passing score of 105 to make it to DLI in california, and walked out with a 119. I was definitely taken back. Can't study for it, you just have to take it. I saw people getting so frustrated, and was thinking, that won't help you to get stressed out. Just guess!
     On a random note, I've discovered a very interesting personality trait that balances me very well. Think of it as a monotone personality. The person has opinions, smiles, and is brilliant, but they don't waiver from themselves much. I always thought that would be a frustrating thing, as if they just stared at you blankly, but no. In fact, it's very comforting. As a female, I have this tendency to jump to conclusions and make up things that are out of no where to rationalize something. Honesty helps this trait as well. But it's like them being very dependable, because you can count on them not being mad or offended. They're going to be solid and the same and not get worked up. Therefore, you as a woman have no reason to get worked up or jump to conclusions because you know where they're going to be emotionally, always. Perhaps I'm not explaining it well, not sure.

On To the Next Thing!

     My life changes on the daily, I almost can promise. I'm hoping soon this little feature will slow down a minute so I can organize myself, but something is always coming at me I don't expect. In all fairness, it's done wonders for my inability to take changes well. I used to get so mad when a plan would change, especially last minute, because I was so tied to the original plans. No more! I'm learning more and more to just go with the flow because, well, it seems it all turns out ok in the end either way.
     Last weekend I celebrated my birthday in Washington with friends. I made sushi, went on a bike ride, did a little rock climb, did a lot of Crossfit, rode a fairy to Friday Harbor, slept a lot, made a tart, and had fun! I'm building relationships with people in the new state, and it makes it much less intimidating to make a move as such. Packing however, is a beast of its own! I've been working on it for about 3 weeks, and I'm also in the middle of a unit switch which, as I know now, takes a lot of paperwork!
     Yea, no more engineering or bridges for me! I wanted this job before I shipped but had already signed to be an engineer, and while I probably could've switched, I'd guess the paperwork was too daunting for even the recruiter. I'm now in a unit in WA, and I'm reclassing to be a linguist! I have to take the DLAB to know my language or if I'm even a good fit for the job, I'm crossing my fingers as to yes because I want the job very badly. If I make the cut, I go and learn a language and do a second AIT. This job holds lots of possibilities, like AGR as I was told by my unit this week. Some great news like the aforementioned comes to me daily. Not always military related, but something good happens, and I have no idea why me, but I'm certainly not going to complain and just stand in awe at how many opportunities I'm being afforded and how many choices I'm being given.
     I move on Tuesday, and it will be a circus act to get it done, but it will get done! I have to pick up my truck at 8, movers come to load it at 9, my friend comes to drive my car up at 10, we have to unload a few things at the new house and then get to the storage unit by 3 for another set of movers to unload the truck, then drop the truck off, bring my friend back here, and go back. I think I estimated being back around midnight. Talk about a long tiring day. But it will be over, and I'll only have to come back and clean the old place, turn in keys, and waste some more gas.
     As for a little random life update and to open myself to a world of judgement and criticism,  I'm loving crossfit and the variety every day, and I'm Paleo too. Yea, chop my head off with a spoon people, I'm living my life and loving it. You know, I didn't understand at all people's hate for such things or lack of accommodation until I talked with a friend of mine who does the same things, but also deals with a market of people from all walks. I was always offended and frustrated when I would come across people that would be frustrated themselves with my past and current eating or lifestyle choices. When I expressed this to him, he helped me understand that when you tell someone that you're avoiding something for your health, or because it makes you feel bad, or you want to lose weight, or what ever your reason is, they take it as a reflection on themselves that you're being healthier than they are and it tends to cause them to be perhaps bitter or defensive in odd ways. They may not even realize that's why they're reacting as such, or even that they are, but they are. I always figured if you choose to eat or live a certain way, that's your life and body and your choices. Anyhow, I'm loving my journey to health versus low body weight, and the people that are supporting me shock me and make me feel so loved because they show a desire for me to be healthy and happy through their support. I used to get bored of lifting because I was doing the same thing time after time, and now, nope, it's new daily, long, short, different movements, and I'm finally learning the oly lifts which I wanted to!

The Ferry to Vashton island.

Making sushi

At Friday Harbor with good friends!

A dairy free birthday!

Some serious Sashimi :)

Handling Stress and Controlling Tunnel Vision.

     Stress happens to everyone, something different for us all, usually a common being that we feel like we can't handle all on our plate. For some it might be something quite different like stressed because someone doesn't like you or because you're broke, which sometimes goes right back to not being able to handle all the bills coming etc. We all have a couple ways to handle it, not everyone is individual in their stress copings. We encounter this our entire lives, so finding a manageable and constructive way of dealing with it early is better than accepting how you handle it negatively and saying "I'm stressed, it's ok".
     Right now, I feel in over my head. Moving isn't easy. It's not easy when you have family, and it's even harder to do by yourself. Perhaps it's not all just moving though, maybe moving really isn't that hard, it's more overwhelming. I can't get ahold of my school, so I can't send them transcripts, my unit is out of town, so I can't get things signed, and I can't do paper work for ROTC until all of that happens. Plus I need 6 more sit ups than I have to get in, and even in the 4 months I was in training, they never improved. I'm sit-uptually challenged. I'm in the midst of packing, and praying I have a truck fall into my hands to help me drive my stuff north as well. I'm demotivated to go to the gym too.
     So... things aren't the most ideal. What's the solution, and how do I handle the emotion of stress? The  handling of the emotion started with even more demotivation, then turned to almost tears, and I said to myself, "tears don't solve anything", didn't even go there, and decided to figure out how to handle it instead of letting it stress me. I cannot control that they aren't answering, I can only work on my sit ups to improve them, not going to the gym will only make my life less great, and I cannot control my unit coming back.
     Therefore, my cure, is to get some ice cream, and go do some dancing. I have no reason to stress over things I cannot control! I'm a better contribution to this world if I'm clear headed and pushing full force ahead. I can focus on what IS going right. I'm seeing boxes come out of the wood work to pack with, I'm viewing two rooms this weekend, one of which I'll be moving into in August, I put my one-month notice in today, I'm eating a little more balanced than I was, I'm drinking a lot more water, a friend comes into town this weekend, and, lastly, I know from the past, that we will all go through times of demotivation and burning out in the gym. It happens. You push through those little rocky places, try to change it up to things you enjoy a little more, and at some point, the fun WILL return.
     I told a battle of mine about my moments of stress and worry, and her line to me was "battle ..I know you can freaking do it. You've got the heart to do anything." Sometimes, my biggest pitfall, isn't that I'm incapable of something, it's that I doubt myself. I'm capable of being a straight A student, with a 300 PT test, and succeeding at anything. Admitting you don't have confidence, or don't give 100% starts somewhere, however the only way to fix that, is to know you don't, and then try a little harder in everything you do. Even when you don't have the motivation, find a way. Because your will to get there will kick in, and something will cross your path that causes you to push just hard enough, that you make it.
     Over the next two months, I may fail at somethings, and I may succeed. No matter which way my chips fall, there's always another way, and other doors always open. The future isn't bad forever. We just have moments of tunnel vision, and insecurities that cause us to doubt ourselves and the process.