Lost in a Sea of Busy, Emotionless, Life.

     When I left for training, or got back, people told me they missed my blog. It's been 2 months that I haven't wanted to write. Either things have transpired that I don't want to publicly say, or I forgot that I say everything publicly in hopes someone can relate and neither of us will feel so foreign as we walk through life. In september, Kevin broke up with me, whom I'd been with since the november before. It sucked for a minute. I cried. We're friends. That's the story. Kevin had that balancing personality trait I wrote about before. A few people around me have it that I can get the energy from, K'anna, my parents, those unconditional people that don't get bad at you because they take all of your negative words with a grain of salt, or just aren't listening when you speak. It really could go either way.
     I accomplished the sky diving. Yep. Got my "A" license, so I can jump with friends. I actually just did my first two way, and what an experience! There's something phenomenal about jumping with someone. When you leap out of an aircraft, there's nothing except you, and in this case Seth. There's no thinking about who is mad at you, how tired you are, how hungry you are, how sad you are, there's just you, a ripcord, and silence. I haven't gotten to hit up any other drop zones since getting my license, and I can admit that Washington isn't the best state to get licensed in, but I've met some cool people doing it and made new acquaintances.
     Since moving I've hit new lifting personal bests, like 165 squat, and 200 DL. I've learned new movements, and jumped back and forth between a conventional gym and crossfitting. I don't ever stay one place long. Be it a state or a gym. I've also gone from 140 pounds to 130, and back down 2 pant sizes. Thank heavens because the world knows my "woes of weight" is a slippery slope! I've done paleo, I've binged, I've splurged, I've..... lived. I feel like that includes regretless. I was climbing, but kind of waded away from that when I started skydiving. One fee or another, money ain't free.
     I've grown close yet again to my childhood best friend. There's nothing like rekindling a fire that was so big and bright when you saw it last. Some people never change, some do. We did. We're almost the same person these days. We experience a lot of the same things, think the same way, and embrace life a lot alike. I'm not the best at making female friends, so in this state I'm kind of lacking, but in Oregon, plentiful! Tennessee, plentiful! Takes time, friends.
     One change in myself that seems to be permanent thus far from training, is not caring. Or in reality, I tell myself I don't care so I will hurt less. I went through a lot of emotional pain in my training that I hadn't ever faced, and I learned after a long time if I didn't care, it wouldn't get to me. Well, I used to be a super caring person, and thus much more sensitive than I am now. While I miss that super caring person, I enjoy my lack of sensitivity. I'm still just as resilient as I always was, and still get hurt, but  much less. K'anna calls me heartless from some of the things I say, and deep down I don't think I mean half of them, because I'm not heartless, but I've formed this massive wall I can't see over, and neither can anyone else, where I act heartless and have this facade that I don't care how you are towards me, but under it, I'm like a small crying child. I never mean an insult, I'm not malicious, and I'm not vengeful. I would hug out everything if I could. But life doesn't work like that. Though this new part of me is also much more willing to express feelings, frustrations, angers, and not sit in things until they become too much.
     My to be active status is well on its way, seems February I should move to California. I want to go, but I don't really want to. Sure, steady income is solid, and living super close to a DZ is solid, but I do have a life here now, and I have people here I love being around. Though you can always revisit your past. I'm going to OR this month and TN next, here I come time machine.