When I came home, I was a different mind set completely after a short period. I realized people like you no matter how you look. Heck I looked like a man for 4 months. I gained to 138, and yet again tried to diet. I believe I made it to 133, and that was it. I fit into 1 pair of jeans for 4 months, yes, 1 pair. I never bought poptarts again, and I realized that this issue isn't about a 4 month cut or weight loss period. It's about the next 60 years. Well.. maybe 50. When I make it to my 70's and 80's I will be happy and fat as ever. Now at a "high" 130, I'm happier than ever. I'm living like the rest of the world, I'm lifting and stronger than ever, but I gave myself a massive eye opener when I went back and read that the day I came home. I realized I needed what happened to me. Now I look at other people dieting, and usually think ...you could have it so much easier. I wish I could pinpoint the exact reason I've done a 180 with my mind set, but I have no idea. I just know that this person and this mind set is 100X's better than the old one. I live a much happier life now that I've learned what living needs to be, and what lifting needs to be in my life.Dear soldier,I write to you on your last day before you enter the soldier life and forget what being a civilian is. Today, you gorged on pop tarts. You used leaving as an excuse to eat, and sickness to lay around all day. You need help. You have a bad relationship with food, and I hope that now, as you’re back from a break, control and eating only 3 times a day is easy for you.All you want, is to weigh under 120 pounds today, and fit into your clothes comfortably, and that is the biggest burden on your mind, yet you eat 6.5 packages of poptarts? What is wrong with you. You know you can’t diet, and you prayed today that you could even rationalize this as an attempt to speed up your metabolism, but you knew today that 3500 kcal is plain over eating. Even while you were in basic.I hope today, that as you’ve read this, you can have peace of mind you ate healthy in basic, and did what you should’ve to treat your body well. You ate too much today, justified it, and are sick both mentally and physically. You took laxatives to try to make yourself feel better. I know that 118 means the world to me right now, but I hope you are different when you return.I hope you train hard, eat well, don’t eat out, don’t step on the scale and go by the mirror. I hope you love yourself, and I hope you fit comfortably into your clothes and can be happy with your reflection. Men see you as attractive.... see yourself that way please. You will quickly become who you were. 128 becomes 135, and before you remember, you’re a size 14 again. You’re so happy when you’re comfortable. Control yourself. Don’t be a purger, or an anorexic, be normal, and love yourself for controlling yourself.I hope you loved BCT, and I hope you come back knowing you have 2 months or less to look great for Kevin when he returns. Get your ass under the bar, and control your appetite. You can do this, and you’ll be proud when you did!Civilian Wright.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Self Esteem Before and After Basic Training.
The day before I shipped, I hit a weight high in a while after binging on a box.. or two.. of holiday poptarts. Why? Well BCT is supposed to get you in the best shape of your life. I'll burn it off. I'm sorry, since when do we plan on burning off a binge? I'm sharing with you what I decided to write to myself. It tells you how I felt about myself, and how I looked at myself.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Learning Who We Are and Who We Were.
I started a conversation today with a friend I don't talk to very often, and I was reminded of their opinion of me in very few words. Something along the lines of "Crazy! ... That you're so young!" I recalled former e-mails and things they had said, then remembered how old I was when I first met them. They read this very blog and pushed me to think deeper, while applauding me for trying to be insightful at the same time. Those people that guide us without intending to do so, and help us discover ourselves by just being themselves, are magical.
I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.
I often look back at who I was 4 years ago and wonder what shaped my thinking process and what pushed me to become who I was at that age. Someone recently called me an old soul after meeting me for the first time, and I wonder if it's caused by the same thing that makes some children great speakers and some "normal". You know, those kids that have massive vocabularies and merely speak like adults at the age of 2 versus the usual amount of words and communication skills? They spend their time around adults and are treated not as an infant and they pick up on those characteristics. Perhaps an old soul is just raised differently, or they have been surrounded by old souls themselves.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But I find how we came to act, think, and speak as we do, and what did truly form how we come to conclusions to be something worth thinking on. Sure, our experiences shape our rationals and our future decisions, but do the people we surround ourselves with also shape them? Our parents obviously do, but do their friends? How much stock do you put into the adults you surround yourself with while with your children?
I'm continuously being presented with new decisions, many of which I really don't want to have to decide, I want to pretend I'm a teenager with no responsibilities. Moving, money, cars, trips, I feel kind of like I'm watching someone else make the decision and I reap consequences - good or bad. I had this thought yesterday, that the biggest area of self improvement we neglect, is communication.
I've learned through communication growing up that I lack communication. I realize looking back how different situations could've been if there had been better communication. People do self examination for many things; appearance, anger, patience, but where is communication on that list? Perhaps it's the root of a lot of those issue we are trying to address. Barring appearance obviously. Growing up my sister had pretty much one hobby, horses. Me, well, I jumped from thing to thing, waiting to find something that I wanted to do forever, and enjoying being able to say that I had tried something. It really helps you relate to people, or strike up conversation, more opportunities to have things in common. I did horses too for a while, and it wasn't until I was 17 I held fast onto something. Lifting. I'm not wonder woman, super lean, nor do I know all there is to know, but it's something I enjoy dedicating time to. Every time I had some kind of victory in a deadlift or a squat, or what have you, my parent's response tended to be "please be careful". Once I moved away, I was able to express how hard it had been for me that they would go to horse shows and dedicate time to watching my sister work with her horses, but never came to see my deadlift, and never invested time into the one thing I had found that fit me.
I then learned, that it wasn't that they didn't CARE, it's that they didn't KNOW. How will someone know something if you do not express it? I now know to tell her these things. I'm about to head home, and I want to sky dive while I'm home. I had said I wanted to, and once it sounded like it was getting lost in plans, I said directly "This means something to me, and I want you to see what I love to do. Please make sure we leave time for it." That's all it took. I have two similar examples. Over Thanksgiving, a friend's granddaughter was working on writing a letter to Santa, she seemed to be a little grumpy during the few days they were together, but no one thought anything of it. Once she finally, after many interruptions got her letter done, she had an entire mood change. That's when every soul in the house realized how much that letter meant to her and they wished they knew and could've treated it with more importance earlier on. Lastly, on a "hints don't work" note, a friend attempted to hint their likeness towards me, and when I was told directly I was surprised. Someone else's response was "you didn't know...?" Not if you don't tell me. Which is what I replied to them.
Society like to joke about how women assume men know what is going on in a woman's head, when of course they do not. However society fails to teach us that this isn't just romantically specific. Parents nor friends can read minds either. Thus, if it's one things I'm learning, it is to learn to communicate.
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