The Me I Want To Be

     I finished Crazy Love.. I started "The Me I Want To Be" which was recommended by my church; as was Crazy Love. It's about a but of the same stuff, but not mostly. It's not really about God's love, It's a lot about not faking things though, and being in the flow of The Spirit.
     I'm not too sure I can still say I'm not a reader. I don't like fiction or drama, I in fact don't like really anything except accounts of incredible lives, and spirit lifting truths.
     As I type this, I'm watching the news about the man that has that great radio voice.. he never acknowledged God for what he had when he had something good, and he said this time around he's thanking him for everything he receives and taking nothing for granted. That is what this book is about. Letting the Holy Spirit flow through you, which isn't the same in any two people. He experiences The Spirit through his ex-homelessness, and new found success. For him, yes, he's obviously in love with his Creator, but his feeling of The Spirit isn't necessarily reading the bible at 5 in the morning.
     He just said "I was about to write in a planner someone gave me that ended with 2010 and started with 2011 "another year wasted" and God said "this is the year you found me""
Prime example of my current read. Which I wouldn't have ever recognized if I hadn't read a third of this book yesterday!
     I'll start off with some fabulous quotes:
"God mad you to flourish - to receive life from outside yourself, creating vitality within yourself, and producing blessing beyond yourself. ... Flourishing isn't measured by outward signs such as income, possessions, or attractiveness. It means becoming the person HE had in mind in creating you."
"Your uniqueness is God designed. Many people think if they seek to grow spiritually they will have to become someone else."
"When you flourish you become more you. You become more that person God had in mind when he thought you up. You don't just become holier. You become you-ier."
"When your spirit flourishes, you become most fully alive. You have a purpose for living. You are drawn to put on virtue and put off sin."
"When you flourish, you begin to receive each moment as a God-filled gift."
"The mental life of your flourishing self is marked by Joy and peace. You are curious to love and learn."
"Your flourishing self pours blessings into your relationships. You find other people to be a source of wonder. They often bring you energy. When you are with them, you listen deeply. You are struck by their dreams. You bless. You are able to disclose your own thoughts and feelings in a way that invites openness in others. You quickly admit your errors, and you freely give."
"The more concerned you are about your own fulfillment, the less fulfilled you will be."
"As you flourish, you help in God's re-creation of the world he wants to see."
"The "Me God made me to be" is measure by my capacity to love. When we live in love, we flourish. That is the dance. The time to love is now. When we love we enter into the mystery of eternity. Nothing offered in love is ever lost, for this mortal life is not the whole story. This life is to the next kind of school, a kind of preparation for the me you were meant to be. That person will go into eternity. What matters most is not what you accomplish; it's what you become."
"God designed us to delight in our actual lives. When I am growing toward the me I want to be, I am being freed from the me I pretend to be. I no longer try to convince people that I am important while secretly fearing I am not."
"Comparison kills spiritual growth."
"Loving people means being willing to disappoint them sometimes."
"God didn't make you to be Nelson Mandella - and no human being in your life gets the final word on who God made you to be."
"To love someone is to desire and work toward their becoming the best version of themselves."
"Spiritual formation is the process by which your inner self and character are shaped. People sometimes speak as if spiritual formation is a spiritual activity that some religious people may pursue and others bypass. They think it is reserved for monks, mystics, and missionaries. But that's not true. Everyone has a spirit. Everyone's inner life is being formed - for better or worse."
"We flourish when our spirits are rooted in and shaped by the Spirit of God - and God wants us to do that in a way that uniquely fits us."
"When you fail to become the person God designed, all the rest of us miss out on the gift you were made to give."
"To be spiritually alive is to receive power from God to have a positive impact on your world."
"The glory of God is a human being fully alive; and to be alive consists in beholding God."
"My main job is to stay connected to God. When my primary focus is being present with him, everything else has a way of falling into place. When my primary focus becomes anything else, my inner vitality suffers, and I become a lesser version of myself."
"Trying to become the person you were made to be through your own effort is like trying to ski behind a row boat."
"When someone bumps into me, what spills out of me reveals what is inside of me."
"When I am in the flow of the Spirit, I am moved toward greater love and more joy. And the blessing does not stop at me."
"The Spirit never flows in us, He always flows through us so that others might flourish as well.  Anytime you see life flourishing, it is receiving nourishment from beyond itself."
"The greatest battle of life is spiritual. It is the struggles with resentment and anger and greed and superiority that keeps me from living in the flow with God. How often in spiritual life because we get burdened because we try to wield weapons that have helped someone else in battle? We hear about how someone else prays, or reads Scripture to start or end their day, or worships, or studies, or serves - and we feel guilty if we don't do the same. We get frustrated because what works for someone else isn't helpful to us. We are like David trying to walk in Saul's armor."
"A Spiritual discipline is simply an activity you engage in to be more fully alive by the Spirit of Life."
"It is amazing how often people think they are the victim of whatever thoughts happen to be running through their heads. It is as if they are passive spectators watching thoughts run across the screen, with no control over what's on it."


There are about 100 more I could hit you with, but I have a feeling this is overwhelming enough.


He emphasizes - a lot - that what works for one person to draw them closer to God and to get their Spiritual River flowing, doesn't work for everyone. For me.. reading the Bible isn't what gets me going. It's community, and physical connection. My Bible reading consists of quotes of great scriptures that impact me. Not sitting and reading for hours on end, like I could Crazy Love or I am this book. I so often try to measure my Spiritual maturity or strength by what works for someone else.. which isn't constructive. 
"Comparison kills spiritual growth."

A God You Can't Imagine.

So.. I have a little story for you.. That has a big impact. First off--I finished Crazy Love. That's a record for me..... there's not a doubt in my mind you need to read it.

Today, I had a bad day. I have a close friend, whom I "like," and a great spirit of jealousy was instilled in me, along with a spirit of inadequacy. If I'm going to look at the silver lining on that.. it's that my jealousy isn't nearly as ugly as it could be. HOWEVER, I can't stand it--sure, when someone is jealous towards me.. I find it kind of flattering, but God specifically states that jealousy is extremely dangerous in Proverbs 27:4 "Anger is cruel, and Wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous." Imagine how angry you've been... I know for me, I can't imagine my jealousy being worse than my anger. Jealousy doesn't seem nearly as bad in my eyes.. But what God says goes. I just like--Wow.

(Back to my story) My bad day put me in a mood which effected them and so on and it's pretty much an endless cycle. I told them I had a bad day, and they said "why?" I said "Because I can't be the person towards you that I want to. And you deserve I guess." They told me earlier our recent fighting has impacted their everyday life.. I just.. all I could do was say "I'm so sorry." I never.. never.. want to cause someone to be bitter in life. Such a terrible feeling. Anyways, things happened, and I came home, pretty sad I was spending the night alone, when I really wanted to be doing something. I told a friend "I'd love to just lie in bed and cry. But, that won't help anything. So I won't" I then remembered Zumba. I went, I let go of my thoughts for an hour.. I needed it!

I came home, to an empty house (I love it that way), had breakfast for dinner, and decided that the only cure to what I was feeling.. inadequacy and jealousy, was some quiet time. I grabbed hot chocolate and my Crazy Love book, opened where I left off and made it through a page.

I read: "I urge you to consider and actually love as though each person you come into contact with is Christ."

My immediate thought? I most definitely haven't been treating this person as though they are Christ. Jealous causes us to say things we don't mean. Which I had.. kind of.. more of I said things in a way that was with an attitude and just not a way I would EVER consider talking to Christ.

In that moment.. I started crying hysterically. I thought about every person I treat like nothing. I cried out to God, telling him I wanted this person to be happy and know I truly care about them. I rebuked the spirits of Jealousy and Inadequacy, and I just cried to him about what I felt today. Even though God knows your every thought before you think it.. there's definitely power in you being raw with Him.

This sounds.. well, gross, but, I cried and cried and naturally I had to blow my nose. As most know, I just had surgery two weeks go on my knows. It's a miracle I can even cry with no pain, let alone blow my nose. I did, and instantly.. I could breathe. For the first time in 7 years, I could breathe. I yet once more.. burst into tears. I can't even begin to describe to you the feeling I had/have.

Next, I turned on worship music. Go buy (or ask me for) Phil Wickham's "Heaven & Earth" and Gungor's "We Will Run" and Delirious' "Our God Reigns". 

I just cried out "These are the hands that built the mountain, the hands that calmed the sea, these are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you & me, these are the hands that healed the leper, pulled the lame up to their feet, these are the arms that were nailed to a cross to break our chains & set us free! "

I sat and thought about the lyrics I was singing to him. "Our God reigns. Our God reigns. Forever His kingdom Reigns." What can you say about that?

"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath 

'Well done my child, enter in and rest' 
Tears of joy roll down my cheek 
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams 

...

I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song"

Imagine it. ..I can't.

I thought to myself.. I would give ANYTHING to have my God standing in front of me to give me a hug. An hour and a half I worship, and prayed. I'm more than happy I didn't have anything to do tonight. I had a date with the man I LOVE more than anything else on Earth.

The last little section in Chan's book talks about are you ready if God comes for you now. You bet your pajamas I am. I would be more than delighted to see the face of my Lover, my Father, my Best Friend. We all have to stand in front of God and tell about our account on Earth. I sure hope I can say "I can't believe I talked to you yesterday.. and now I'm standing in front of You!"

Such conviction I experienced. Such Love.

"Lord you gave your life for me 

So I will give my life for you 
All because of your love 
All because of your love 

Because of your cross my debt is paid 
Because of your blood my sins are washed away 
Now all of my life I freely give 
Because of your love, because your love I live 

You did it for me, you did it for love 
I'ts your victory, Jesus you are enough "