Realization of Being Friendless.

As known, I went to Mi this weekend to hang out with the same guy that came down to Tn not long ago. I honestly didn't exactly know what I was getting into other than working out, eating Ice cream, and meeting a second team member.
When I got there, I met more people than I ever expected to. Friends, family, clients, the works. We went out to eat, to motor cross races, to the gym, anything. There's multiple reasons I always hate going home from trips, and this shoved in my face the largest one. I hang out with no one, I don't socialize, and all I do is work or workout. Even when I want to do other things, I don't know people to do them with. I go on trips and people have friends they grew up with or have known for years. I want that with such a passion, but all I see are drinkers, or those with little ambition, those that don't want to work; the people that won't push you towards something better than you are. I honestly hate it. While I understand eating out can get in my way with my hobby, how about a WO partner, or someone that has a hobby of their own they pursue that I can support?
This trip made me want to look at how much I work and make a decision to spend time with people, except that i lack those people. I feel as though in many areas of my life I'm being forced to practice patience. I'm not terrible at it, but as with most, it's a weak area for me. Sometimes people need time, or in this case, the desired outcome takes time to develop and cannot fulfill instant gratification desires. The worst part about patience, is that even after embracing it, the desired outcome may. Not be achieved. Not that instant gratification always comes through, but you didn't invest effort into it, therefore you don't lose much when it's a fail.
The Michigan chronicles will continue, I'm sure of it. I could take an hour and tell you about everyone that I encountered and the actuality of who they were versus who they look like or what I pegged them as.

You Never Know What Could've Happened.

     Part of my personality, is that I want to experience everything I possibly can. When I was younger, my parents would do something fun for us, take us somewhere, etc. then I would ask "Why can't we do..... too" (or something within context), leaving my parents feeling as though I didn't appreciate what they had given me or just allowed me to experience, when in reality, I just wanted to experience everything I possibly could. It's nice when your mom turns counselor, gives her a new outlook on your responses. I've heard of children not wanting to have a pastor as a parent, a counselor as a parent, law enforcement, etc. But I've found to have my mom be a counselor, she looks at things from an angle other than one of being my mom, and is capable of giving objective advice in my life situations.
     This personality trait is what makes making decisions hard for me. Like moving; I want to be able to experience both of the places and know the outcome when I chose either. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. I'd need a time machine to fulfill my complete curiosities, which of course I don't have. I had a bump in the road that made me rethink my decision to uproot, and when I started rethinking the pros/cons for either place, it was mentally exhausting. I got so overwhelmed with it, I said "easy way out please!" and decided to just stay. I'll always wonder what would've happened if I left, and I would've always wondered what would've been if I stayed.
     Part of the hard thing about staying, is my job. I love the people, but the fact that I spend time exerting effort, and make just about nothing, is extremely frustrating to me. I leave wanting to hit a punching bag because I feel as though I'm completely wasting my time. I want to, and did apply elsewhere, but when I approached my supervisor about this, she said "make the schedule you want, and I'll give it to you." Unfortunately, unless I'm hourly, I'm really not going to make much. We've become so slow it's absurd, and it's just... a waste of time.
     The things that make me happy I'm staying, are the relationships I've formed here that I will get to maintain. The weather here is amazing, while it rains a lot there. And, I don't have to pack, unpack, spend money, etc. While I would've made so much more there, I would've spent all my earnings the first year and not have been able to save until the second, which I still probably would've been able to save more than I will now, but the decision is made, and I just have to have faith that this one will take me somewhere wonderful. I've been saving very diligently for 7 months now to be able to move, and the fact that I don't have to put out the money to move, means I can get a couple things I've really wanted. I got to buy 3 pairs of tennis shoes, and the cinnamon bun protein i've wanted to try for months as well.
     My love for the state of Oregon will always be there, and since I was very much looking forward to being there, the end of June I'll be there for a vacation, taking in, and closing out that mini dream in life. I can't say I think it's going to be a completely fun and care free trip, as I feel like it will be a little bit of sadness realizing what I left behind, but there's always something better ahead. Something here I wouldn't have been able to have there, and there will always have been things there I couldn't have here. As I continue to mature, I evolve and understand how principles of life work, and my personality traits involved in such matters mature as well.

There's More To Life Than Me.

     I'm young, and I have experienced only a few of the personalities and people that exist in this world. I've found some normal, some that could use improvement, and then those that you couldn't even imagine up yourself they're so perfectly made. Some moments, I think to myself "I don't ever want to date or be taken, this way I can completely enjoy every person in their entirety that I meet and am blown away by." Now I know this isn't going to happen, but it is still appealing. However I also know you should be able to enjoy them just the same taken or not. Life presents us with endless opportunities to cease, and I like to cease everyone I possibly can.

     This weekend a body builder from my lifting group came in from out of town, and it happened at the end of a frustrating and long week. My weight wasn't doing what I expected it to, work is slow and I'm making very little money, I'm comparing myself to lifters feeling inadequate and weak, and I needed to get my mind off of ...me. Yes, I said it. I was thinking about all the negative things in my own life, and I needed to be able to engage in someone else's life and spend some time off of me. I'm not saying I don't engage in general, I'm known at work for my nosey-ness. I like to know what's going on in people's lives and how they're doing.

     He didn't get in until 9:30 Saturday, which, everyone knows night time isn't my thing. Usually. I let go of my cutting thoughts, went to Buffalo Wild Wings for the first time in my life, enjoyed it, didn't fall asleep either. We hit Red Box, got a movie (which I didn't have to pick), definitely fell asleep through that. Sunday, I took the morning off, made epic pancakes (first person to stay over that doesn't sleep until 10), drove to Jackson, drove back. Come 1, hunger impinged and Chipotle and Ben & Jerry's were consumed. By then, it was time for him to hit the road home, and me to breathe before I went to work.

     So all in all, not like we went to an amusement park, or a $100 dinner, or did something that was absolutely mind blowing, but I got to spend time with another person, and learn about them. As my "About Me" says, I don't carry much of a social life, which as it also says, I don't mind. However, I still enjoy those times like those 18 hours where I forget that I'm dieting, or that I only DL 145, or that I work and make little money.