Support and Atmosphere Make ALL the Difference.

     I have a funny story for you. Of course, it happened at the gym. Where else, right? In all fairness, I had a funny moment at school, but I don't feel like telling them both, so I'm picking the better of the two.
Im at the barbell military press bench, have 70lb on the bar, which is a lot for me, and the angle on the thing is crappy. So all of the variables combined, I struggle to unrack the bar. Im all prepped, mirror is clear, I go to pick it up, and the right side is lifting slightly, but the left not at all. Being my last lift of the day, I thought I was just weak. I'm about to try again, and this little old guy, maybe 80, peers around, and starts talking, so I take out my headphones, and he's going "I'm so sorry!" I'm like...???? He then told me he was using the bar to stabilize himself while walking. No wonder I couldn't get it up! I laughed so hard at that haha.
     Out of music class early from taking a test, and I decided to book it up to Rob Co Y to shake it. I've missed it immensely. I don't get to do a butt load of cardio these days, and I don't particularly want to, as I don't enjoy a whole lot more than walking and dancing. I don't get time to walk recreationally any more since school has started, just any walking I do on campus. I finished, and had tri's, chest, and shoulders to bust out. So I did. I went up on almost every lift... on depletion. I got to talk and catch up with people, and joke, and just enjoy it. I've made friends with one or two people at the Donelson Y, but I enjoy the personal connections I have there. So that's the title. I hit Pr's and I think it was all about the fact that I had people I care about and I was going to bust it out well :) I even had a spot for military presses. Really? Love it.
     As for school, I'm chest deep. Probably more like nose deep. Maybe totally covered. Test today, two more on Wednesday, paper due Friday, appointment with advising on Friday, some new power point project due who knows when, quiz monday, you name it, it's happening. I enjoy school, but I don't enjoy total life domination by school. I just don't let it. I'm going to enjoy my life, if I get a C in a class. So sorry. I'm good-ish, except for a Gov. test Wednesday. It's massive, and the information is mostly derived from readings, which isn't how I learn. So it's a no win situation I feel.
     I have no song for you. I can't think. Yes.... It's that bad.

There's Good Under The Bad.

     I always have people that put me in low spirits after any conversation with them, and being their friend takes great mounds of energy. Usually there's not a lot of these in my life at once, which I'm thankful for. I don't hate them, and obviously if it bothered me enough, I would end the friendship. Someone recently asked me why it is I would continue pursuing these people when my life would be easier without them, and I gain nothing from the friendship. Well... church gave me the words I couldn't find. First off, friendship doesn't need to be driven by a consumeristic attitude. Not to say it normally isn't, I think it usually is. We subconsciously let friendships fade if we are no longer benefitting from them, or we don't begin one with someone we see us gaining nothing from. I feel though, that friendship isn't completely about what you can get. It's a lot about what you can give too. I touched on this briefly in this post. While I personally can attest that a line needs to be drawn, or a reassessment needs to be made sometimes, we often let our egos get in the way of helping someone out, or being there for someone.
     During this week's sermon, my pastor said something about people of that sort in his life. They're miserable to be around. He then popped out this little tart! "I continue to pursue those people because under that facade, is someone looking to be genuinely loved by God."
     And there we have it folks! That's to a T why I do pursue them, and why they deserve to be pursued. Because hurting people hurt people! It's very rare that I meet someone who is honestly and genuinely mean spirited. Often times, they're rude, arrogant, or sarcastic, just to hide their true pain. While this is what first comes to mind when I meet someone with a characteristic as such, I've quickly learned it's not what comes to others' minds. Someone who doesn't carry a consumeristic attitude towards friendship is often looked upon as soft, easily used, or stupid. They appear to be walked on, taken advantage of, and an idiot for continuing a relationship in which they get treated badly.
     I truly believe people have such good hearts. They just need genuine love sometimes.


I just wanted to show you, the sermon that spurred this, well, this is why I was so engaged.

What I Share When I Have The Option

     Something since moving that has been hard for me, is my lack of one on one contact. Enough said.

     As mentioned in my last post, Wednesday was a tough one. I come and go on how I feel about life and such, don't we all.. But things just piled higher and higher on Wednesday. Tests, grades, drunk people, people's attitudes, heat, hunger, tiredness, you name it.
     When I'm having a rough time, or what not, the one thing that always, without a doubt, helps, is talking to someone. I don't know how everyone's minds work, but I do know, that it helps some people to hear someone else is struggling, so they feel better about their struggles. That's not what I'm talking about here. Maybe I should rephrase it as listening to someone? Either way, if I can just find someone to listen to, the fact that I'm genuinely interested in their life, and what's going on, and how they feel about it, helps me. I don't think I can explain why that is, but it is.
     I don't like to talk about myself too much, I suppose it depends on the situation. There's few people I won't open up to, which might or might not be a good thing. If someone asks, I'll answer straight, but I would much rather hear them talk about them. I like to learn about people, and their opinions, life experiences, feelings, etc. Not to be confused with me not being able to talk a lot. Ask me about my weight loss, or a recipe, or about lifting, and you made a mistake. Good luck getting a word in. Only time I really want someone to ask, is if I'm romantically interested in them. Generally otherwise, I'd much rather just hear about them. Listening applies to both friends and otherwise though.
     After my Wednesday crap, I reached out in my own way, to multiple people, but only one person got the memo. I reached out to ... 4 people. Got there eventually though. That's what matters. Anyways, what totally helped me? My friend JC came and ate pancakes. Yep... Having someone silently (I know, I know) sit working on their laptop is great to me. I try to tell people all the time that conversation isn't necessary, I just like the company. Knowing I'm not alone. I know, I just contradicted myself, but it works both ways. You'd be dumb to think I sat in total silence with someone for a long period of time. Yea, we talked, but it was a lot of him talking and me listening. Ok, so maybe that makes him sound rude. Not like that. As just mentioned, I enjoy it! He asked about school, class, what ever... But my mood is on a great up after hearing what's going on in his life, and how he feels about it.
     Makes me wonder if I have any friends the same way. Also, what impact am I having on someone's life by simply having a conversation with them. Maybe the impact a friendly smile can have on a stranger walking by, who feels totally alone in the world. Thought provoking.

     If I sang to you right now, I would sing....

Confessions of a Porn Addict.

     Yes, I said it. Porn. Wait though! We all do it.... mine is just as sinful, but it's SO addicting! It keeps me going through the week, when I'm down, or tired.... Pull it up! I'm actually going to show you what I feast my little eyes on. Just don't get addicted too. It's a sin, and I don't want to be an enabler.


Look at that. Control yourself.





These are orgasmic. Yes. I said it.





Ok, ok... I'll stop now. But you get the point. I need therapy.


     I'm not NEARLY this creative. By anymeans. The best I've come up with recently, peanut butter and SF/FF Jello yogurt. Not interesting at all. Oh, there was a graham cracker in there too. But I forgot it, so I missed out on the full effect!
     My creativity, I believe I've mentioned before, comes from a deficit. While not nearly as creative as my friend's here, and his is in a surplus. Either way... I need some pointers on that!


On a more personal note. Crappy day yesterday, crappppppy night last night. Got 5 hours of sleep, and I was just dead from all this studying and such. Today is definitely not a day off. Supposed to be meeting someone for coffee.... looking forward to a little one on one time with a person. Rare I get that.




Loving this right now.

Why Not Dwell On The Past Sometimes?

     When I broke my nose, in 2004, I started to write. I'm not sure if it was out of boredom, to make a list of thank you notes, or just to be able to look back and remember what happened. No matter what the reason, I kept writing very diligently, and while I don't much anymore, I have a total of 5 journals. Not diaries. If someone wanted to read them, I would hand them over. It's an account of my life, spanning 7 years. If someone offered to show me their story written by them self, I would jump on the opportunity.
     Last night, I felt like writing. I was going to go to church, and got lost (yes, in my own city), then when I found myself, it was too late to make it. So I drove back home, turned on some music, and had at it. When I went to get the book, I realized I had finished one, and started the next. Only one entry had been completed, so I decided to read it. I read it, and thought... Wow. I feel like it's something others could benefit from.  The story is actually about someone, which doesn't take much background. So, here it is for you.

"Friday night, John's dad had a stroke.. Broke his shoulder. Johns hoping to go this Friday (to where his dad lives), his dad has surgery tomorrow to fix the shoulder. My heart cries for him. I can't imagine. Plus, to make things worse, he's such a worrier, this rips him up. Only son? Men are supposed to be strong for the women - how can he be expected to be? All of my recent struggles with him, I've been praying more than ever on how to handle the situation - my feelings. Today during the sermon, and through the words in a song,  God told me "Love the ones even who can't love back. Be there no matter what." (roughly). So for me, especially right now, I offer my company, I drop any expectations - permanently - I realize living 2 miles from him won't mean seeing him more. I think about how you can't change anyone but yourself! He will always like recreational drinking, probably always hate religion, and that's not what is for me. I don't get mad at Kyle when he can't hang out with me, even though he always does - I'm sympathetic towards him. John deserves the same. It will always be hard for me. That gives me a perfect chance to fight temptation and piss off the enemy! Woot! =)  I thought to myself "where is the line between faith and "enough"?" As in, when have I loved as much as I can and subjected myself to enough pain. However, doesn't that kind of say to God "How much love do I have to exert to make you happy?" Shouldn't I be willing to go through any amount of pain to try to exhibit you in the world, especially to an atheist?! People die for God All the time, and I won't even experience rejection? No - I don't stop putting myself out there. I also thought - and posted on FB Ha! - "I love community because it gives me relief from the pain of being me." Very true, but sad. ... All that occupies my mind is John's pain. He doesn't know how much people care. Indescribable. "Love like your heard could never break." I'm trying. I want to "Love with every breath I take." Jesus Help me please. I love you."

I'll let you leave with your own thoughts on that.

Strength is a Relative Term.

     I was talking to someone about Bench Pressing a moment ago, and when I mentioned my personal record yesterday, they said "Wow on the bench!". Great thing to have people encourage you, and it pushes me to go harder, but it brought to mind something.
     Strength is deceiving to the eyes, and a very relative term. When you're surrounded by fit people, and big muscles, it feels like the norm to you. Just like if you live in Mississippi, and work at a fair, seeing morbidly obese people is a norm for you. I had someone ask me a few days ago, if my goal was a six pack. More or less they asked to be reassured that it wasn't. While women in particular in that kind of condition isn't the norm, I feel like a 6 pack is. I feel like when you're fit, you have one. Today... I googled Jamie Eason, after seeing her mentioned somewhere, and while I had heard of her, I hadn't really looked at her to nit pick her figure. More to just admire her work. Today when I went to look, I thought ...you know what.... Not even Jamie Eason has muscular definition there.
     Is it the norm? No. Is it even the norm of fit women? Nope. Is it possible for fit women? Yes. Anyways. I often forget we live in a world of unhealthy, sick people who need to be educated and need to find that desire. How could I forget that, right? Well.... I honestly don't see it. I see the people I work out around, or the people on fit websites, where I spend my time. Call me crazy.
     So how is strength deceiving? Well, when someone sees a woman who has visible muscle, they automatically think that woman is strong. Why? Because she obviously has muscle. Not true. Yes, it definitely can be true. But it's not always. Yes, she has muscle... but if you took the next obese person that walked past you, and dropped their fat off.... you'd see their muscle too. Are they super strong? No. That's an expectation I feel I fail a lot, and one people unintentionally place on those with visible muscle. I can't do a pull up, bench my body weight, or curl half of my weight. Not even close to curling half my weight.
     Now how's it relative? What defines strength? I don't have an answer to that. Sure, in my mind, If I see a 20yr old man squatting a bar, I'm not thinking he's strong. If I see him benching 100lb, probably still not thinking he's too ripped. If I see a woman hitting that same bench, who appears to weigh 115-130, I'm thinking she's doing really great. It's something in my mind, that I measure versus the person's personal size. A percentage of their weight maybe. I don't see myself that way though. I'm my toughest critic. I feel like I should be able to bench my body weight easily. Now, if you put that on a bar, it would drop to my chest, without a doubt. Yet, if I saw another woman doing it, I would be amazed. Perhaps this is a reminder to myself, but also when you look at someone... just remember that it's relative, and deceiving :)

Annnnnd It's Over!

     "Week 1" psssh.. they're all the same in my book. Classes don't make me nervous, and I always try to set myself up for success when picking them. Hence my reason for dropping a dumb english class. Not going to risk a drop in GPA just to fit in the mold. Not to mention it would've sucked. Haven't gone to my new class yet, but I'm not expecting it to suck too bad. Only one day of it next week. I absolutely adore my Spanish, History, and Music classes. The teachers are so great, and they give you a change to try before it's cut off. My math teacher... he's a total jerk face. He pretty much treats everyone like they're an idiot. Not ok in a classroom setting. Not that it's ok anywhere, but especially in an environment engineered for learning.
I have homework in them all, which is great by me. Gives me something to do with my free time. I know.... I'm a sad kid. But it's not too often you run over in classes and are happy to. It's my place. I told my mom my first semester last year... I'd be a professional student it if was a profession! I love learning. The only time I don't, is when I'm in the hole, struggling. I like a challenge, but I don't like to have a constant fear of failure. There's a good balance there.
     Today was a carb up.... Marathon eater... Right here! I thought to myself: "Wonder if anyone is watching all this craziness.." I got a foot long subway sammwhich, then I went and got 3 bagels.... then I got an iced latte. I had pretzels, poptarts, oatmeal, and beans other times too. But that stuff wasn't really as public-a-tized. Anyways, if I saw someone eating like that... I would think they just went through a bad break up or are depressed!
     I have a college friend! Everyone says you meet your life long friends when you're in college. I haven't met anyone awesome in my classes yet, and there are no hot guys in any... sad day. But in July when I went to orientation, I met a girl who was also 17, and we started talking. When I went to find my classes a week prior to starting, I invited her to come find hers too. I'm a very invested friend, but I've never met anyone that is invested in friendship quite the same way as I. Except for my BFF on St. Croix. Well, my new friend is quite invested. Her name is Melissa by the way! She lives in the Boro, but not on campus. She's Christian, enjoys working out as well, calls all the time, and has an open schedule. So we're quite alike. What takes me back about her.... is that we haven't been friends for long, but she just calls all the time. It cracked me up the first time ...or 3... that she did it. I've never had someone call me so much, especially someone I'm not really close with. I love it though! She puts the effort into a friendship like I do! It's pretty great. I'll probably end up living down there at some point, and I'm excited to be able to hang out with her more when I'm closer. But she's coming to my house for the holiday on Monday to cook out, then we're hitting the gym. And we have a free membership at the school, so we like to go there too. Not that really any of this is important, but anyways :)
     I have to learn all 193 countries in the next two weeks. Spelling included. Wish me luck! I feel like it's a good assignment though. It's for my government class, yes, not geography. Government. Anyways, we're talking about governments from different countries, and how can we go about that if we have no idea where they are? Exactly. Great thinking to that teacher!

Been rocking out to this everyday lately.