Straying from the Only Safe Place.

Reading has nearly stopped, until I'm not busy, or I'm at a Starbucks. I only have one day of school left, then I'm out. Hopefully I will finish it during all of my downtime, amongst my 8 months of geometry and 1.5 years of Italian I need to do :/

I did pick it up on Wednesday though, after the week prior being somewhat miserable. It had its ups, but I seemed to be able to only focus on the downs. I had been fighting with a close friend, and scared to death about my upcoming surgery, just a whole lot of things not adding up too well.

Anyhow, I made the decision on Wednesday that prayer needed to happen. I wasn't going to get over my issues on my own, and I was tired of being miserable... even though it was only a week. I don't usually pray in the mornings, not too sure why I don't.. probably because it is when I do everything I didn't do the night before. But, my parents had been sleeping later, and I could eat my oatmeal and pray in complete silence. It was absolutely perfect! My day was still a bit wavy, but God set every situation up where I was given the clear opportunity to make it great.

It probably is an obvious to a lot of people, but to me, sadly, I don't just think "sucky time will be fixed by prayer!" I decided... Thursday needed to begin the same way. Nope, my problems aren't demolished. But my soul is slightly less worried, and I'm not sure.. It helps :)

Wednesday, during my reading, 2 men and a woman stopped and commented on the book! I love it when you find Christians around you. It's so reassuring.

Anyways though.. When the time shows itself, the book will get read!

Sometimes Actions and Words Correlate. Neither Louder Than The Other..

Every time I go to say something, or I have emotions that I wish didn't exist, or I'm about to do something out of emotion, my thoughts go directly to this book. While Chan isn't an all knowing interpreter from God, I am easily able to justify his opinions, meaning he convinces me to believe the same thing. It now (not in the moment) over joys me to have someone "wrong" me, or feel I've been wronged, because it causes me to be able to exhibit the God in me! Think about it.. anytime you feel you've been wronged, emotions, not good ones, arise. In that moment you have a choice to act on them, or you can suffer in silence and fight your flesh with truth.
In our cyber world, actions don't always trump your words. You may choose to write on someone's "wall" or send that text message, and what you said is what matters. Recently I've been faced pretty much every day with the decision of how to react where I feel "wronged" or where my emotions run wild. Some I'm more than proud to know I acted justly.. others.. I'm still learning.
Something that hits me hard is the concept Chan reminded me of. No one owes you anything.
You say something nice, obviously nothing has to be said in return. You help someone out, they have no obligation to return the favor. The word "sorry" can be so deceiving to me. As though they owe you an apology for something so basic like they were busy, or they can't tell you, or what ever. As though they have some kind of obligation to you..
This isn't to be taken, flipped, and used as a "I don't owe them anything". It's to simply say have no expectation of something in return. Bless people's leggings off, even though you've never felt the same thing from them.. Give freely of yourself and your time, even if people aren't doing the same with you. I've always, before reading this book, been one of those kinds of friends that would drop everything if you needed something, or would sacrifice anything to help you, or be treated like crap in order to help you through something. I understand how brutal it is to give and give and give and have nothing good come back. You don't understand why you can't find anyone with the same qualities. But I'm quickly learning, it's not about you. You have to be willing to sacrifice yourself as well for God. Let your emotions be in the rough, to bring him glory and to show love to those around you.
When I, and we all conquer that.. It's a feeling like no other to know you just exhibited God when you wanted nothing less than to curse someone out and to say somethings that would only hurt. Sure, the action of saying.. but in my opinion, its both. Especially in the world we live in.
You may ignore someone.. but It's the words you didn't say that hurt them. Chew on that :)

Happily Taken!

So, I have more of a personal note that the book has shown me, that I feel wasn't too relevant to my previous post, so it got a post of its own ;-p

It's about being single. So, I know the Bible talks about marriage, and I'm always overwhelmed with warm fuzzies when I see an elderly couple eating lunch or walking together, but I'm not too sure about it. Crazy Love has brought to my attention God's love for us (obviously). I've been single my whole life, and It doesn't bother me.. Which a lot of people can't say, and I understand why, and I also get that I don't know what I'm missing, because I haven't had it.. I almost feel though, that God's love is enough. I know that sentence sounds bad.. I "almost" feel like He's sufficient? No.. that's not what I'm saying at all actually. The reason I put it like that is because, while I am sure God's love is all I need, it doesn't mean that here can't be some kind of feeling that there's a void in my life. God's love if more than enough, but he has put a system in place so we don't have to walk alone on our time here on Earth, that we can have another son (or daughter) of Himself to keep us straight and be a companion as we conquer the battle field. If it's not clear yet, what I intend when I say "almost enough," is that I don't feel the need for that whole Earthly companionship thing. Maybe, subconsciously I do feel it, but somewhere there could be a disconnect. I'm totally satisfied alone.. Simple and Plain. I have a spouse already, and He's my dream man. I'm 100% sure I could never find someone to measure up to him.
It's not just my feeling of already taken though.. It's myself in general. Call it what you want, low self esteem, self conscious, girl temperament.. I don't feel worthy of having a companion most of the time. It's not that physically I feel ugly, it's more that I'm moody, and I have a lot of bad days and such, and I don't feel like it's fair for someone to have to put up with that. I don't feel like that world is my forte.
Watch me, 20 years from now, married with a kid being like "what was I thinking?!" and.. I'm sure I'm messing with a chance for something I subconsciously want.. but it's one of the many things this book is bringing to my attention. God's love is adequate and no person can love me enough to fill His void.

Slow Readings.. :/

So, as you can tell by my lack of posts.. my reading is slowing down. Interestingly enough though.. when I do take a moment to read.. I knock out 10 pages or so and it feels like 10 minutes! I've made several changes since I started my little task of reading a simple book, I've started tithing, more than I can afford. So- out of my comfort zone? CHECK! God is on my mind.. a lot. So- more in love than before? CHECK! Love is something I consciously attempt to exhibit at all times, no matter my mood or emotional state. So- Treat others how I want to be treated? CH... IN PROGRESS! I've always wanted to be one of those "pray before you eat" people, which at family dinner we do, but not normally, so now.. I do! Acknowledge my thankfulness to God? CHECK! One major thing, which I never anticipated or even thought about as I started the book. ... My relationship with my parents have improved leaps and bounds! That makes me so pleased.. because in 6 months, when I move out, I don't want them to simply be a money source.. I want to enjoy coming home!
I'm still reading, between school and life.. I'm working on the "Obsessed" chapter right now, which explains what it looks like to be totally obsessed with our God. It has talked a lot about giving to the less fortunate, and this Christmas I'm giving money to someone who needs it rather than giving presents to the people around me. I have to say though, if I didn't get something for xmas.. I think I would be a little hurt. Hopefully someone will do the same to me, and I can power through that fleshly struggle with bliss! I'm not 100% sure how to get into the community of the homeless, I mean, I wouldn't want someone to feel like a charity case, but if I knew anyone that was homeless, they would be the first I would invite for thanksgiving and what not.. which makes me wish I did know people that needed a place to get a great meal!
Anywho, even though reading has slowed, my life is being impacted in GREAT ways, that make me so much prouder to have a relationship with him.

Don't Sweat It..

This book.. it's a MUST read! I'm being convicted of so much more than I would've ever imagined.

Loving God... is easy. It's fun, and painless, and even though we shouldn't love Him because of this.. it's ultimately rewarding. When we want to love God, that brings him more glory than probably any commandment you could ever follow.

Galatians 5:13-14 says "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”" Loving God set's you free. When you love God, genuinely, you don't have to worry about heavy commandments, because when we love, we can't sin. In the same chapter, (v.6) the Bible says the only thing that counts in faith is expressing itself through love. Can you grasp that? Can you make every decision out of love? What exactly does love look like as an action? I certainly don't know any better than you... Perhaps it's all your own interpretation?

Psalms 63:3 says God's love is better than life. What does that even mean? We as humans only know the love we might feel towards a husband, or a girlfriend, or a dog. Yes, you might be willing to die for your spouse.. but would you say that that love is better than life itself? I'd like to think I could, but that concept is so abstract.... I'm not too sure I can wrap my head around it. Especially seeing as we may not feel as close to God in a personal way as we might to an earthly love. It's hard for me to think that God could know me better than a best friend or husband.

Alright..... I LOVE giving. It's uber satisfying, as I'm positive we all know. Unless buying gifts is hard for you... then it probably sucks! But....... for those of us with better gifting genes, it's amazing! Acts 20:35 says "It is better to give than to receive." So I have one question about this..... if you're giving.. someone has to be receiving? how does that work exactly? Does that mean some person out there will only be a receiver? Or does it mean pay it forward? Just a thought..

George Bernard Shaw- "This is true job in life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. 

Wow.

It's late. I'll tell you more later :)

Im not Christian.

Revelation 3:15-18 --> I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.


A Lukewarm Christian.. Isn't a Christian at all. You cannot half heartedly follow God, and still follow Him; He's all or nothing! Which to me says that the man down the street who's an atheist, and gets drunk 5 nights a week, yet loves way harder than I... Is more Christian than I. I'm quickly learning it's not all about the identification of the faith. Now, claiming themselves as an atheist, I know that they're denying God which means he will deny them as well. But, in the principle of love, and lukewarmness, they beat me! I'm probably contradicting myself by comparing myself, but does it still count if you are using it as an example? (Thin lines, thin lines...) The problem is, a change from lukewarm to boiling.... isn't something you can be made to do, it's 100% you. Most of us are more concerned about going to Heaven, and salvation than loving The King.. which is what the whole time here on Earth is about. LOVE.
I struggle, immensely with my wealth. I'm not poor, never have been. I don't understand what it's like to live on next to nothing. And, for some reason, even though I never have been in the position, one of my largest fears is struggling on my own. I know, not even that deep down.. that God provides. What is his record? When we look at a place to buy a car, or we look at someone to hire.. what is it we look at? Their history and record. Why is it any different with God? His history is he provides, provides, provides! Jesus tells us that the rich struggle entering Heaven. So why is it I'm worried to be rich? Shouldn't I be delighted in that which God wants for me; To be rich in spirit and poor in wealth.. I think so.
Do you appreciate it when someone compliments you or gives you praise out of guilt? So...... why would you praise God out of guilt? I'm sure I do this a lot, more than not most likely. Which sucks. Who wants to be able to admit that they praise God out of guilt and not pure love? However... It's not loving God the only place I struggle with that, like I said before--whole hearted anything is a stretch for me.
1 Corinthians 13:2-3 --> "If I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possessions to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." God assesses our lives based on love. Just after the last passage.. comes this: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 --> "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends..... Faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." Could you replace your name in place of love and it be true? I can't.. Think about this: "Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?" Wow!


I encourage you to take it a step at a time. Don't become overwhelmed with God so much to the point that He's a complete turn off to you. Think everyday about what you do, how you love, and what you say towards others. Is there a reason you can think of, to not better yourself in the eyes of your Father?
Mine today is that tomorrow, I'll tithe. Currently, my checkbook is lower than normal. However.. God provides, provides, provides! Little less Starbucks maybe?

Title-less and Speechless.

I love Colorado... as in LOVE. It's a firm belief of mine that God is ALL over that state. Most beautiful state I've ever visited; only been once, but I obviously will not ever forget it!
This morning, left my house at 6:40, and there he was. God. Right in front of me. Most extraordinary thing I've ever experienced! So what's the connection between the two, and how exactly am I claiming I "saw" God? Well, not too sure which came first, the chicken or the egg, but we'll start with CO. Its scenery, and the tree bark! It smells like vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry! How cool right?! The amount of nature that covers that state is overwhelming, and I.... well there's not much more I can say about it.
So I get in my car, turn out of my driveway, and there he was. Bigger than life. I feel like when you see something like that, you should be scared, or wondering what's going on... but all I could do was know that I had 15 minutes to experience God on Earth, and I didn't want it to end. It was a cloud. But not just a cloud like you see every other day of the year. We're talking about a cloud that was endless. It appeared as a mountain, and for a second I asked my self if there had always been a mountain right there and I had never seen it, or if it was just some white fluff... and it was just a cloud. But, I know it was God because of so many things. In "Crazy Love" Chan tries to explain how big God is, and how we can't grasp that, so when I couldn't see the end of this cloud mountain, just the top of the mountain stretching from one side of the sky to the other, I was overcome. So many emotions; I knew the cloud would be gone soon, as they do move all the time, and as small holes started appearing, all I could do was cry out "God please don't leave me." My eyes were teared up, and He was standing in front of me. I can't explain the epicness of our God; it's something you have to see for yourself. I was completely out of it all the way to my chemistry lab, just staring at Him, trying to grasp who He is, and how massive He is. The sun started to shine through, and it saddened me so because I know I may never see Him again. He may choose to reveal Himself sometime, but he also may not. End of story. He's so much bigger than you or I. You can't see from one side of him to the next, you can only be overcome by something that is so large it's scary.

Not All There?

Does anyone besides me remember the feeling when you were younger that your whole body was consumed by something? Like... you were so for something, or loved something so much, you just felt like your life was all for it??? I don't get that about anything anymore, maybe you do.. but.. I don't. I often times find myself faking it hoping that if I start, I will get that feeling somewhere in the middle. Like happiness on a rainy day, or a fake smile. My thinking often is just that, I will be in the mood after I try to be, even though I'm not really there. Not saying it's good, or bad necessarily. Not too sure what it is, but sometimes it works!

So.... Lukewarm Christians is something we can look around and label others, quite easily usually, or sit here just reading this thinking about all the people we know may be one. Are you one? I know I hit a point where I realized you can only do so many alter calls and "re-savings" before you are either hopeless, or you just are tired of them. Or... you are actually part of the family and just can't recognize it quite yet. I've done probably 20... which shows my insecurity in my faith, right? I didn't think I was actually saved all those other times, or that I had sinned so much between that doing it again would some how fix something. It doesn't. I'm happy I've realized that!

Back to the topic.... Chan gives numerous paragraphs explaining signs that you can use to self asses whether or not you're on the path or headed down the path of "Lukewarnness". Here are a few (paraphrased)..

A) Lukewarm people go to church because they feel as a Christian that is what they should do.

B) Lukewarmers give financially as long as they can sleep at night knowing they're still financially secure.

C) Lukewarm people tend to make decisions based on appearance rather than what they know God would do.

D) Lukewarm Christians don't want to be saved from their sin; only the penalty of sinning.

E) Lukewarmers don't share their faith with those around them for fear of rejection, or uncomfortability.

F) They say they love Jesus, and He's a part of their lives. But he's only a part. They can't give him complete control.

G) Lukewarm people gauge their morality or "goodness" by the secular world.

H) Lukewarmers (This is what I'm talking about) don't love God with their heart, soul, and strength, they claim they try to, but that sort of devotion isn't possible for the average person, it's for pastors and missionaries.

I) They love others, but they don't seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is focused on who will love in return; family or friends they can connect with. They don't focus on the ones that cannot love them back.

J) Lukewarm people think about life on Earth much more than they will think about Eternity in Heaven. Their daily life is focused on a to-do list, or planning next month's vacation; (C.S. Lewis -->) "If you read history you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this."

K) They are slaves to control.

L) They don't live by faith. They live a structured life so they don't have to. If something were to happen in their life, they have a way to fix it without needing God's help. If he didn't exist, they would be just the same.

M) Lukewarm Christians probably drink and swear less than most, which is about the only thing separating them from average. They equate their holiness with their partially sanitized lives.

Sooooo... I can admit to struggling with a few of those. I most likely struggle with all of them and I'm either in denial or just can't see it because the definition isn't identical to my problem. I can say, if I got nothing else out of that, I got one that hits me way too often and I just turn the other way; tithing.

With each of his paragraphs he follows with scripture to back up the opposite of it. Which SUCKS. Because, God tells us in his own words that being like that is directly the opposite of what he wants. In fact, being lukewarm is worse than not being his child at all! Luke 14:34-35 tells us just that. I'll leave you with this thought-- "It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow hearted prosperity. "

Quotes Worth Remembering.

So I'm reading with highlighter in-hand, because so many times we read things and they sound great or impactful at the time, but we never remember it. I want to remember this stuff, therefore highlighting is the answer :-p
I've (in my hate for reading) conquered 60 pages since yesterday, and I'm probably going to need to reread the whole book, just to understand and actually soak up everything I'm reading. It's definitely a great read though, and I'm half looking forward to conquering other christian books! It really has to be something I'm interested in in order for me to sit and read it. Fiction just ain't my thing :)

ANYWAYS! Back to the book, right.... who needs endless blabbing!
These are just a few quotes I'm sharing that have rocked my world from the first 60 pages.

"By surrendering yourself totally to God's purposes, He will bring you the most pleasure in this life and the next." (Pg. 21)
"I believe that He wants is to love others so much that we go to extremes to help them." (21)
"The core problem isn't the fact that we're lukewarm, halfhearted, or stagnant Christians. The crux of it all is why we are this way, and it is because we have an inaccurate view of God. We see Him as a benevolent Being who is satisfied when people manage to fit Him into their lives in some small way. We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He's great and deserves to be the center of our lives." (22)
"The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of Him. It may seem a hopeless endeavor, to gaze at the invisible God. But Romans 1:20 tells us that through creation, we see His "invisible qualities" and "divine nature."" (25)
"Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their significance, until they have contrasted themselves with the majesty of God." (26)
"God's art speaks of Himself, reflecting who He is and what He is like." (28)
"There is an epidemic of spiritual amnesia going around, and none of us is immune. No matter how many fascinating details we learn about God's creation, no matter how many pictures we see of His galaxies, and no matter how many sunsets we watch, we still forget." (29)
"When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is." (29)
"A lot of people say that whatever you believe about God is fine, so long as you are sincere. But that is comparable to describing your friend in one instance as a three-hundred-pound sumo wrestler and in another as a five-foot-two, ninety-pound gymnast. No matter how sincere you are in your explanations, both descriptions of your friend simply cannot be true." (31)
"Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?" (31)
"God exists out of time, and since we are within time, there is no way we will ever totally grasp that concept." (31)
"Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending." (31-32)
"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" (33)
"God is the only Being who is good, and the standards are set by Him. When you get your own universe, you can make your own standards. When we disagree, let's not assume it's His reasoning that needs correction." (34)
"[God] cannot be contained in this world, explained by our vocabulary, or grasped by our understanding." (35)
"Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever. (Frederick Beuchner)" (40)
"When I am consumed by my problems--stressed out about my life, my family, and my job--I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice." (41) [Phil. 4:4]
"Worry Implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives." (42)
"Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control. "(42)
"A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which is on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief. (A.W. Tozer)" (50)
"All that matters is the reality of who we are before God." (50)


Not all are as profound as others, but if you're still with me right now, you've had a few though provoking moments, or a few confused ones, as some of these are quite difficult for me to try to comprehend... either way you feel, or think, there's something here for all of us. And remember.... that was just the fist 60!
......Stay tuned!

Conviction By Video

So, you need to see this.. http://crazylovebook.com/videos_stop.html

First off, let me just share, that when you continually find something wrong in other people, it's probably your biggest issue that you have deep denial about. For me, it's judgment. I constantly like to tell myself that I'm not nearly as judgmental as a lot of people out there, but I know that's not true. And, like Chan was just explaining, we won't judge ourselves on judgment day, or be judged against others. We will be judged by how well we followed God's commandments, and his word. So when we look around and say "I'll b ok, because they do stuff so much worse than I," We're not only judging to begin with, but we're just giving ourselves false hope!
Second conviction I got during his schpeal, is that.. We mistake the fact that God wants a relationship with us for he NEEDS a relationship with us. He does emphasize that God loves us deeply, which I most definitely accept to be true, and I don't, sadly, sit around thinking about how much God wants a relationship with me. However, at least I, myself find the thoughts of either nothing at all, or the assumption that he needs us in order for this whole idea of religion to work in the world. News flash to us all... he doesn't NEED anyone. He'll still be God with an army of 1, or and army of 10,000,000!
My third thought was just as he said.. can you imagine killing one of your own children?! I can easily admit I would NEVER kill one of my kids to make up for the wrong someone else has done in the world. Ain't happenin', no way, no how! I encourage you to remind yourself daily, that there is a person that was KILLED for YOU. Not for your neighbor, or the person sitting in the row behind you at church.. but YOU! How crazy is that? I know if I were to remember that all the time, I would want to honor their death so much better than I do right now. I would walk around thinking, " Am I making Jesus proud that he died for me, or would he be so ashamed that he gave up his valuable life for this?"

Opening up Crazy Love

I'm taking on my hate of reading. I'm going to conquer something that intrigues me very much. Gods love, and how we often seem to miss it. Francis Chan has taken on the task of explaining such a thing to your mediocre church goer like myself. So, when something hits me, or impacts me, whether if be for someone to read or for me to think about out loud... Im going to tell you about it. 
I'm deeply intrigued by meaningful quotes. Not like remember them, but I still love them and put them somewhere I will revisit.
So....... Let's go! My highlighter is ready!