Expectation Vs. Reality and the Choices that Follow.

     I'm slowly learning that we expect everything to go one way. I expect to get 12 reps of squats in this 1:00 minute, or I expect that I will be able to take care of a full time job and a child, or I expect that this coffee is not going to be so hot that it burns my mouth. Well, when those expectations are not correct... we have to make decisions. Do we lower the weight on that bar? Do we work part time? Do we take another sip? There's two areas specifically that I find hard to cope with when my expectations have failed me and now I have to make the decisions.
     Growing up I now know I had a true pleasure having my mom stay at home and my dad be home a lot, or us be able to go to work with him. I thought that was a marriage. Of course I knew a lot of moms had to work to help support the family, but I didn't know some marriages are how mine is. I went in to marriage thinking I would work, he would work, I would see him after work, weekends, he'll work 9 hours a day and so will I, we can go on vacations and take long weekends, and have fun holidays. No... that's now how my marriage is. It's almost the opposite; and let me tell you, since it started I've pushed my mental boundaries trying to accept and not fight this reality. I'm quite a head strong person, and I become infuriated when I know who is being irrational and I can't handle the issue, I have to sit back and watch them be irrational. In our lives, there are no long weekends, there are no happy holidays, and there aren't any 9 hour days. There's 14 hour days, and ruined weekend plans by being called in, and sub $2 an hour wages. If you asked me have I thought to myself "this isn't the life I want or would have chose" I would scream yes. I didn't want this life, and I don't want this life. This is the hardest thing to bang my self into submission to do. I also am a planner, so when I hear someone of supposed high importance tell me something, I believe it and plan from that. Then when the plans go differently, I have to really stop and take a breath. So my marriage is the farther thing from what my expectation for it was and is. Now I have to decide how to react to that truth.
     The second hard reality vs. expectation is a puppy. I've had puppies, but I also had a mom to took care of those puppies. I thought puppies were cute, and fun and easy. Well... that expectation was blown wide open with the purchase of our pit sky. They suck. They wine, they don't sleep through the night, they pee and poop all over, they get sick and are expensive, they should be trained, and everything else I can't think of. So now that my expectation is sadly wrong, we have to decide what to do with that puppy. Do we keep waking up at night to handle it, do we sleep oddly to accommodate it, do we yell at it more or praise it more or what.

     I think hard and long about these things daily.

20 Vs. 40.

     A friend shared a post i read on social media today, a blog a 40 something female wrote about how she found letters from when she was in her 20's and married. After I read it, and her "Advice" that helped her, I thought... I'm in my 20's, you're in your forties. Knowing how my husband and I act now, I wonder what would make us change. Her first thing was "offer complements" things as simple as a thank you or an appearance complement.
     I learned growing up, that I (I would guess like most people) do the things to others I wish were done for me. Be it having a surprise, making dinner, having all the chores done when he gets home, what ever. This applies to gratitude. For as long as I can remember, I've been a thanker. I supposed because a lot of times I selfishly feel under appreciated for the amount of effort I exert into things. Thus, this is a common thing for me to do already; say thanks for doing the dishes, taking the dogs out before bed, or helping me clean up a mess. Me having so many current and past "self" issues, physical complements are thrown a lot. So I thought...  why would I stop? What happens in 20 years that changes that about me?
     Her second was "Spend time alone" in the form of 20 minutes at night was what she put it as. I thought this to be funny considering my time growing up and how we currently live. I'm a very personal.. person. I care about what's going on under what you say or put out, I care about every aspect of your life. When my dad used to come home from work and we would eat dinner, so often it was in the form of dinner on a TV tray while watching some series. I remember very clearly how much I asked to let us sit at the table and eat. I know watching TV was an unwinding for my dad after work and my mom after having to be around people all day, but I wanted to have quality, talking, family time. Now, when Daniel gets home, I usually have dinner waiting, and I almost always refuse to have the TV on or phones near the table. That's the time we sit and we talk. So is part of this the same "doing what I wish had been done"... yes, and no. Yes because... yes, and no because I want to hear how his day was, and I want to tell him how mine was. There's no conversation once the TV is on. He'll press play and I'll immediately pause it, saying "Wait! We're still talking!!!!"
     Her third was "Make it fun!" and her following words were no dinner and movie dates, then I just laughed. That is our fun! We just on Sunday went to a double feature, and the week before went to a movie and were nostalgic about how it felt as if we weren't married yet. When I'm 40, maybe I'll be more.. fun. But, our donut dates are pretty stinking fun to us.
     Thus.... I just found it interesting how I am who she was and remembers. I also am brought to wonder if I will be wishing I was like this again in 20 years, or if we will be just as fun and adventurous as we are now.

What's It Like Being Married To Special Ops AND The Army?

     I had no idea what I was getting into, when I got into it. We didn't live together or date consistently before we got married. I've done some active duty time myself, and well... being married to the army isn't fun. There's no certainties, there's a lot of speculation and guessing, and a lot of waiting then hurrying or hurrying then waiting.  When I was active, my schedule looked something like 6AM to 6PM. Now for the person doing that schedule, they're exhausted. Then they get home, and want to be in bed a solid 9 hours before they have to wake up again. That leaves about 3 hours left in their day. What do you think I did with that time? I tried to maintain some level of fitness, and I ate, showered, etc.
     So imagine being married to that person. What are the pluses to it? I know when they come home, when they leave, and what they need ready for the next day. Now, let me take you through a walk in the special ops life. What's the schedule? You never know. It could be 8-6, it could be 10-3AM the next day, it could be 8 to 8, it could be 6am to 8pm. So... you don't know when they're coming home. Heck, they don't even. It's more like when they get all the work done for the day. You don't really know what they're doing the next day, if they need food or will be fed, or the mood they're going to come home in. Who is in a great mood after a 14 or 16 hour day? What kind of time does that leave in their day? Time to sleep. They must sacrifice sleep to eat, and shower. I'm fully aware they chose that life and career, and a lot of them love it. I think it's pretty cool myself, probably only because everyone out side of that community thinks it's cool.
     But... it's not really cool to be married to their job just like they are. You get a lot more than just what meets the eye with this deal! For instance, and this is more an army thing than a special ops thing, we're waiting on orders. The speculation, and guess, was we would have them last week. The reality, is we still don't. The marriage to the army for me through him means they assume I don't have a job, or a life outside of him. How do I know when to put in a notice at my job? At our living community? At the gym? ....I don't. I more like can give them about a week notice at best. My conscious is pelted with guilt on those, how it must feel to be the one I'm talking to. Of course, just like when you're young and get broken up with, and hate to tell people the news because it looks like you hop from person to person, they probably aren't nearly as bothered by it as I am.
     I'm a planner, and a scheduler, complete uncertainty and it being uncontrollable, is like chaos in my mind. Oh wait.... you mean I have to work on controlling that too? Does self improvement ever end? To this day, when I come home with groceries, and the trash stinks, and the dog has a mess all in the cage and on the floor surrounding, and I need to pee, and I need lunch because it's 2pm, and I need to clean the pile of dishes from my baking excursion, I become completely overwhelmed. I am always learning how to handle the small chaos' that arise and are not in my control.

Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?

     I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
     What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
     I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
     Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.

The Mysterious Mind.

     There's some new mental "feelings" or experiences I'm ...experiencing, that seem so obscure and unordinary I wonder daily what my brain is doing, in general or perhaps to itself. I'm in this dreadful place for what should be a single purpose, but has become many purposes. I get to multitask being a student, being in the Army, being a person, and being a wife. Pretty much in that order too. The most common analogy is "it's like drinking from a fire hose" and while that feeling is true, try having your mind say no thanks. As in... I can hear what people are teaching, and I can regurgitate it, but if you want me to retain it, it's like I never heard it. My mind has generally shut down. There's many ideas as to what it could be. Over saturation, distraction, depression, or lack of effort. I was worried about it being a lack of effort, so I started to put in a lot more effort. Well, if anything it seems to be worse.
     It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
     When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
     So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
     One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
     What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.

My "How We Met" Story.

     So as everyone probably knows, I got married March 1 here in Carmel at a quaint little restaurant and it was fun. Unlike most events, it went by super fast and I wish we had all had more time to enjoy each other. The food was good, the moments in the ceremony were fun and unexpected, it was memorable, and so was the not so ceremony on Feb 10. I feel like it's been much longer than just 5 weeks since I have seen family and all, yet at the same time, I can't believe I'm in week 6 of learning gibberish.
     I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
     That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
     I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
     Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
     On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.