It's time for goals! This year has been such a roller coaster, via injury, emotional things, mental things, my lifting goals were hard to accomplish. Not to mention, my bodyweight bench last year was awful form. I may have not hit paper goals for the year, but I certainly exceeded expectations of myself in how to handle situations and how to be independent.
Start a true bulk ☑
Appreciate people for the little things ☑
Retain my bodyweight bench press
Improve my verbal expression of my feelings ☑
Try making my own sammich bread
Add 10lbs to my row, lat pull, and incline
They weren't as successful as last year. This year?
Enjoy the process - BT, relationships, school
Raise my GPA by .2
Add $1,000 to my current savings account total
Quit drinking soda
Do 100 consecutive pushups/situps
This year excites me, because I have so many new things coming my way. The Army and its trainings, full time school, the opportunity to make more friends, personal income raises... a lot of fears about this year are all components I have the capability to control myself, and when you control your own pass or fail, the weight is much heavier. I desire to push myself harder than I want to, in order to achieve things I don't think possible.
I go home in a week, and I will hit the ground running and ready to crash through the walls that face me be it emotionally, physically or mentally. I have massive satisfaction in the fact that I'm choosing my future instead of letting it come about as it desires. As always, my 2013 will kick off with a long prayer for everyone I've ever encountered.
My personal communication style, is honest, straightforward, and generally literal. We encounter many style of communication throughout our travels, some wanting to make us rip our hear out, and some that are like ours therefore we understand them well. Of course, sometimes, even when it's like ours, we hate it, and we never wonder why other people dislike our own way of communicating. It's seldom I meet someone who is as straightforward and honest about things as I am. I've grown up in a passive aggressive home, and while I can be also, I had an "Aha Moment" in realizing that's why we fight every time we are under the same roof. A second frustration causer for us, is my "get it done" attitude, verses the "I can do it later" attitude. A third.... I'm basic, and a bare-minimums kind of girl, unlike the rest of my family. I'm totally comfortable with my life the way it is, as I find myself to be not much different than most people my age.
These specific communication bumps haven't been obvious to me in the past. I knew we clashed, yet still loved each other, but I couldn't put my finger on what the exact irritant was. Someone told me yesterday - don't react, trust me, you're better than that. And for her, I'm going to try to honor just that statement. While passive aggressive isn't right, and it's ineffective, I have a choice to take the high road in those moments. I can't say I know entirely what that is, but I now know how it feels to those I've been passive aggressive to and it irritated them a fair amount.
In two weeks I fly back to my home, I start school, and I start my enlistment. This semester in school, I'm taking geography, and a lower level criminal justice class. I've always had this thought, that the more knowledge you can and choose to acquire about everything possible - careers, systems, strategies, thought patters - the smarter you are in general. Being amazing at computer science, doesn't make you smart. It makes you good at one thing, but only one thing. What about being able to answer questions in areas other than your own, or having the knowledge to be proficient in many things. That, I find to be very impressive, and wise. While it won't matter when you're gone how much you knew, I feel one's life is much richer when lived in knowledge and learning.
I'm not really into law to be honest, and though I don't have a desire to do Criminal Justice, or Legal Studies, I know when I am in the middle of it and I come out the other side, I will be very satisfied that my knowledge base is much broader than it was before or than it would've been on my former major choice.
As previously mentioned, I swear in the 11, which is the same date I find out where I go for basic, and when I go. Christmas this year whispered a hint of support from my parents in what I'm about to do. I received a Baby G (G shock) watch, an evidently common military used watch (I would've guessed Garmin), gift certificates for my packing list and to buy more of the books I've been engulfing. This process has been long, intense, and tiring. When I would usually be bored with a vacation like this, I've been googling any down time I have, to wipe away fears caused by the unknown. The fear is dissipating, yet I know a healthy fear keeps away the shock of things that were unexpected. Confusing statement, but true.
I proposed the thoughts I have in my last blog, and this time I come to confirm them. I am in fact joining the US Army, and I am in fact scared and excited. As I made arrangements yesterday to find a home for my closest friend, Puddles, my heart tore in two. Puddles has been there when I get home, he's licked my tears in my hardest moments, and he's been there to let me hug on and talk to every day for months. I had a hard time deciding who was fit to take such treasure to me, and feared his mistreatment due to his behavior. I'm a laid back person and I can roll with the punches of the things he tends to do without getting too agitated, but not everyone is like that. Moments after my mom told me to pray after seeing my concern, someone told they will be able to give him a great home.
That moment, I knew what I was doing, and I knew that my life is about to have direction. This past semester in particular I've put school on the back burner, because working is where my heart is. I'd rather work full time than have a degree and get rich. I'm able to immediately see the fruits of my labor when I work while when in school, you don't see anything for years. Unfortunately, that landed my GPA in an undesirable range. I've yet to see the 2's, but a low 3 isn't good enough for what I want in my life.
Why do I want to join? After reading the real life war stories of infantrymen, I saw what drove them, what they were fighting for, and their support for each other. I am compelled to enlist, because I want to spend my life working on something that will make a difference when I'm gone. I want to support those around me, and be supported, and I want to do something outside of myself. I don't plan to do an 8 year run, God willing, I want to do it as a career.
How's it going to work? I will swear into the Army Reserves as a PFC on January 11, 2013. I'll receive a physical and I'll sign a contract to serve the country. I will at that point, become a resident of Oregon, enabling me to take full time classes, and have my tuition covered. I will go to Basic Training and Advanced Individual Training after a few months, and be back to start full time school in the fall. Rumor right now, is in the reserves I'll be a Horizontal Engineer to fill the need in my area. Once a month I will go on a weekend to continue my training. Come fall, I'll become part of the ROTC and hold a Simultaneous Membership (SMP). I'll take Military Science classes, stay in shape through ROTC, and do weekend trainings with them as well.
My major may change, school will become my biggest concern to improve my GPA, and I'll work less to be able to focus more. Currently I'm deciding between Criminal Justice with a Health minor or CJ with a Legal Studies minor. If the Army is my career, Exercise Science won't do too much for me, however if I still want to do some studies in the area, a health minor provides that for me. I love my job, and will miss the ability to work 30 hours in a week, but once I take the burden of tuition off my parents, and I'm receiving income through both the ROTC and the AR, the income won't be as vital.
My parents and friends all have stated they completely support the decision, and it almost solidifies my confidence more. A close friend pointed out to me yesterday that though they support me, the decision was made quickly, which can lead to regret. I do agree with them, but I've wanted to find a secure path for myself for over a year. As I said earlier, working is my love, and not knowing when I graduate college where things would land as to supporting myself has been an inner concern. This is the opportunity I've been wanting.
I head to a surgeon the 27th of December to close the gauges in my ears, I take puddles to his new owner January 2nd, I get my stitches out the 3rd, and I fly home the 7th. Once home, I start school the 8th, I fill out all of my paperwork the 8th, and I head to Portland the 10-11 to finish swearing in and getting tests finished. I will miss my best friend more than knowing I can change my mind about my future, and I will eagerly await the day I start Basic, I got to AIT, and I have personal confirmation that I will be something with myself other than a void to the society.
As all of Facebook now knows, I've randomly become a reader. Facebook (and everyone that knows me) also knows I'm open. I've seen what being able to relate does to people, and I have no issues sharing my life. This year has brought a multitude of growth, both mentally and emotionally. I've heard many-a-time that college is where we find ourselves, and I can't admit that I disagree, but I can admit that it hasn't helped me find myself in anyway.
I've never been involved in my schools' hoopla they have; parties, sororities, the stuff that they say makes you successful in college and looks good on any resume. I'm social, but to an extent. I easily find my inadequacies, and I easily get bored at large social events where I know I won't be engaged. Perhaps in some ways I have already found bits of myself in learning these things. I knew when I did my first college tour of the school I knew I was going to, I was never going to get a job because my resume would suck.
Now, after strong growth spirts, I can tell you first hand, that changing your mind is A OK! When I first met my buddy, JC Deen, I thought .....this guy is crazy! It's working for him somehow, but he's going to end up homeless because he never finished his degree. Well let me tell you, that after being encouraged to follow my desires instead of society, life couldn't be more perfect. Every time I come to these crossroads in finding myself, I generally make the decision I'm advised by the majority not to make. Be it quitting school after 2 days, moving across the country, or dating online. I've always been strong willed, and willing to fail to get it right eventually. I haven't failed myself yet really.
Why did I mention the reading to begin with? Well, I'm walking right toward the next crossroads of my life. I'm generally seen as making life decisions on the fly and emotionally stacking them. Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, but it's working for me folks. If I backed out of moving, well, I would've missed out on absolutely amazing moments and opportunities. Reading, right. I've been solely reading personal accounts of war memories and experiences. I wouldn't be able to stand reading them if I knew they were fiction. Why does something that never occurred matter to me in any capacity?
I write today with a very tired mind, and lazy eyes, as my days recently have been spent working my mind to death to find some semblance of a turn signal. I'm sure you may have an idea where I'm going with the books and the crossroads combined. Yes, I'm strongly compelled to actually do something with my life. I can't perform the duties I'm learning about, personally or legally, but I can serve in other capacities. I'm researching, learning, asking, and mentally disputing. There's advantages and disadvantages to serving your country, neither weighing heavier than the other at this moment. I see freedom from a few I'm burdening, but I also see the captivity of their emotions rather than their finances. I see personal independence, but I also see the commitment. No hasty decisions from this one.
If I chose to take this route, I'd feel important to something, smart, helpful, and I'd have to alter my body to fit certain regulations. Little did I know in 8th grade that 4 years down the road I would be wishing I hadn't altered my body and that it could hinder me from employment.
Does deployment scare me? No. Does physical training scare me? No. Does failing someone when they need me most? Yes. I can entirely understand the intense commitment and dedication by those who serve for us daily. I'd be the same way. I find the business and physical aspects rather appealing. For now, I mull, I wait, and I talk, until some decision feels more clear than another to me.
It seemed every day I worked I got asked to work more. Something I never mind, as I love it, I get paid for it, and it keeps me busy. Day after day, I spent hours serving food and pushing carts. Saturday kicked off round two of working for the week, starting at 8:30 and ending at 2:45. Many times I work, working out isn't an option. It's an extremely physical job, and I just put working out off for the day. Not Saturday; Saturday I went from work, to do legs. After spending an hour rocking out to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, I sat down to take in 20 pages of "Outlaw Platoon" before running off to Chiptole, then straight to the bowling alley for 2 hours of craziness. Already exhausted from the endless day, I ended up spending 3.3 hours on the phone. While I thought Sunday wasn't going to be stressful or busy, the day still looked daunting. 6:00 came early after hanging up at 1:37. I woke up, and continued to read until my psyche could handle movement. After breakfast, I fluffed and folded my clothes to pack the suitcase I'd waited 5 months to pack. The suitcase that brought me hope, that allowed me to breathe, that led me into the sky, and that held the promise of unconditional love. The suitcase that was a secret to the world.
After finishing gathering my daily life into a bag, I headed out for one.... or two... last quarts of ice cream with Jake, one of the guys I stayed with when I visited Oregon originally last year. Upon finishing my chocolate soft serve, I headed home to change and get in my last bout of arms and cardio before my last work shift of the year. As I felt discouraged by weak arms, I couldn't help but find comfort in the empty gym, and the music providing the oomph to push through.
I went downstairs to join an army of strangers in some Sunday night ass shaking, when I was greeted by a short, tan, built Spanish man. Sergio and Natalie are two I've known since the summer, and have come to grow fond of as I see them quite often doing Club Dance. A familiar face and a hug is about all it takes to make a place home. I was exhausted by the day and the day prior lending little sleep. My shoulder started to cramp, and I tried to think up excitement towards the afternoon arrival to my old home. To my advantage the instructor messed and stopped 10 minutes early. Usually, in my mind, I'd be kicking and screaming as I'd been gipped 100 calories of cardio for the day, but not this Sunday. I headed home to grab some grub before heading to work to serve a midnight breakfast to supposedly studying students. Refusing to let the tired show come midnight, I appreciated that I hadn't had to spend my night at home waiting for the next day to arrive. As I finished every task appointed to me at 1:10 Monday morning, I knew sleep wouldn't come easy.
1:20 I walked into my room, set my alarm for 3:15, and laid there trying to quiet my mind. An hour and a half after dozing off, I woke to see 3:06, and knew not only did I have a long day ahead, but I had people waiting for me with open arms. I showered, packed the car, and headed to the airport, dog in tow. I arrived about a hour before my departure, mildly nervous I may have just caused myself to be late. I hugged my roomie, paid for the dog, and headed through security. As I pulled him out, I saw the sheer petrification strung across his tiny white face. I knew this day wasn't going to be much easier for him than it was for me. I attracted attention at the gate when my bag started to bark, making a few friends all waiting to get to their destination. After landing in Denver, I began an extensive search for a puppy restroom. After finding it, and him denying that it was good enough to be used, I had to re enter though security. I don't mind security. They're doing something to protect me and my fellow Americans as best they know how. However, in that moment, I didn't want my $2.00 bottle of water emptied, and I didn't want to search for my ID and boarding pass again.
Through exhausted eyes, I glanced around, wondering how many people noticed I didn't want to be in that line. As I came out the other side, I re entered the train to head back to the other side of the airport, in hopes of finding a snack before stepping back onto a plane. To my surprise, all the stores sold the same snacks - none of which had protein bars.
After being seated, I noticed a mild disturbance by a man standing in the isle of the aircraft. Staring, then ignoring, the dazed looking man in a rust plaid shirt, sat down next to me. Moments later, asking if I was ready for this (referring to the flight). I entertained interesting conversation with the man about half the flight, reading in between conversations. After landing, I wished him luck on his endeavor, and headed to pick up my bag, feeling sad that I showed no excitement to be home, and couldn't even understand I was about to see my family. The day I arrived was a surprise to most, therefore I had a friend pick me up at the airport and drop me off at my house. Every hug I received that day, was the kind of hug you could fall asleep giving. Tight, long, emotionally charged. Some hugs didn't do justice and more than one occurred.
Since my arrival, I've only been two places - the grocery store and the gym. I've seen almost everyone I want to make sure I see, in just those trips. I spend time reading, lifting, and dancing. I'll branch out my destinations eventually, but I'm enjoying the lack of work, the lack of busy, and the joy in the smiles of those I encounter. I wait most excitedly to see the rest of my family, whom I've not seen in 6 months and not really been in contact with. I'm revisiting those from my past life I feel, and I am so glad I'm here getting to do so. I'm easily reminded why I miss it, but I also can identify what's nice about where I live now.
Life is ever changing, and as a person with the love of being busy, and needing variety, I'm so thankful it is! One minute you have decided what's going on, where your'e going, your goals and desires, then something completely unexpected comes up. Sometimes that thing is an open door, sometimes it's something that closes a door you wanted open. The things happening in my life these days aren't massive life changing events, but they're great things. After the past 5 months, I've found myself again; the driven, smiling, active girl, who gives her all to those around her.
Everyone knows I'm not a reader, heck, that's why this blog was ever started! The blog started when I read crazy love, two years ago I believe it was, and that was the last book I read. I was recommended the book "No Easy Day", the story of killing Osama Bin Laden, and was in love instantly. I finished the book of 300 pages in 36 hours, and continued to download a second war story read. Reading recently has done two things for me; reading has given me a distraction in my moments of boredom when I tend to eat, and it's also broadened my knowledge. I'm a huge believer in learning everything you physically can, no matter how small or big the information may be.
I've learned about myself, that when I'm tired, or don't feel good, I become dramatic. Not in a trouble causing way, in a complaining kind of way, or over reacting to situations. Being so in touch with everything going on in my body isn't always an advantage. I gain a pound of water weight, and I feel it like I'm pregnant. I have several days where I just want to about die because I feel like crap. I've always been an optimist, but those days really get the best of me. I was down in it yesterday, didn't want to go to the gym, but decided not going wasn't an option. A friend had given me two new CD's I hadn't ever heard, so I popped on my Ipod, hit the gym, and as I walked in started to list everything going awesome in my life. The good grades I just received, the tuition discount I randomly got, that I get to go home so soon, that my WO was going amazing, and I have a job I love. I finished beasting it out in the gym, sat for a moment, and went to do cardio. The cardio classes here are all a hour, and honestly, to give it all you can for an hour is definitely pushing it. I knew that my bad day needed to end right there, and I had an opportunity to leave it with the sweat on the floor. I started that cardio, and pushed harder than I have in ages. That very moment, when time seemed to fly and I panted, I knew I was coming back to who I was, and fast.
As I contrast 3 months ago to now, getting broken up with is just about the best step that could've happened. I was a prisoner is some ways to that relationship. In multiple instances I was told I would be fixed, I felt I had to tip toe some in order to stay in it, and I felt I would be alone here without it. I can't say I'm glad I ever was in it to begin with, but it did give me great appreciation for who I am, and my happiness. I feel such freedom now to be who I am, it's wonderful. At first, I thought about coming home again, then after 2 weeks of sticking it out, I realized staying is what will push me to grow, and bear great opportunity to be the person I am.
Coming into these holidays, I may feel like junk physically, and I may not be in the same state as my family right now, but I have myself. Holidays are always a time to reflect, and I'm choosing to look at the good I posses, the friends around me, the family, the emotional richness, the health, the wealth, the never give up spirit.
Stop and look.
