There's some new mental "feelings" or experiences I'm ...experiencing, that seem so obscure and unordinary I wonder daily what my brain is doing, in general or perhaps to itself. I'm in this dreadful place for what should be a single purpose, but has become many purposes. I get to multitask being a student, being in the Army, being a person, and being a wife. Pretty much in that order too. The most common analogy is "it's like drinking from a fire hose" and while that feeling is true, try having your mind say no thanks. As in... I can hear what people are teaching, and I can regurgitate it, but if you want me to retain it, it's like I never heard it. My mind has generally shut down. There's many ideas as to what it could be. Over saturation, distraction, depression, or lack of effort. I was worried about it being a lack of effort, so I started to put in a lot more effort. Well, if anything it seems to be worse.
It's a hard concept to explain, really takes some auxiliary hand motions. I can study, I can get one-on-one help, you can review for 10 hours, but when you ask me a question, that's it. My mind has retained nothing. If you think of the mind as kind of a blackboard full of information as all day I do no other duty than work on linguistics, my blackboard is clean. I'm writing stuff, and a magic eraser is wiping it all off.
When you look at many-a-people and say hey, this isn't going to happen for me, you only hope they listen. But the military is fairly convinced that if they force you into something, you will get it done. Sad to say, that the best approach to this person, is to be personable and personal. Not to jam me into what worked for your last 20 victims that were too scared to say something to you. Well, meet your best friend, the outspoken human who doesn't care what you think about my feelings, because they are mine and you wouldn't know the difference between hurt and sadness in me, because you're not me. You're you.
So the mind is becoming it's own advocate. I physically force myself into the shape of another country (the cookie cutter), but my mind says, hey wait, I tried to tell you before I am not working right, why are you continuing to try to make me work. Well, because I was told I had to. So I now turn to my precious brain worth nearly $1,000,000 and see nothing but a hazy, empty blackboard that should be filled with verb tenses and obscure vocabulary.
One may argue that when 3/4 of your students cannot pass, you probably are seeing a little bit of a new situation and may want to try to fix it before you let it go too far. Or maybe you have enough other minions that these are completely unimportant. 1 college semester class a week. 35 hours of class in one week. 65 vocabulary words in 3 days. Not that I blame my brain, I don't expect it to retain that much, seems a little bit of a stretch. I find no crazy coincidence that those doing the very best started on the language 4 months prior to the rest of those sucking at life.
What is the cure? To continue to invest countless hours in and outside of work to force my brain to conform. And on the side try to remember what a custom is, and what the gym is, what courtesies are, and what a marriage is, plus what sanity and lunch for the next day are. Talk about a full plate; heck probably dinner and dessert plates.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
My "How We Met" Story.
So as everyone probably knows, I got married March 1 here in Carmel at a quaint little restaurant and it was fun. Unlike most events, it went by super fast and I wish we had all had more time to enjoy each other. The food was good, the moments in the ceremony were fun and unexpected, it was memorable, and so was the not so ceremony on Feb 10. I feel like it's been much longer than just 5 weeks since I have seen family and all, yet at the same time, I can't believe I'm in week 6 of learning gibberish.
I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.
I am sure many wonder the story. It's really weird, and really original, and really not right. But it's mine, and I enjoy the reactions on people's faces when they hear it! So back in August, I get broken up with, go online to see if I can at the very least make friends, and in my outgoing efforts to feel social I chatted Daniel, and don't ask me about the conversation. He probably remembers more of it than I do. I also don't remember how long we talked before we met, but no longer than 2 weeks. I met him on a picnic table in the quad of his barracks later at night, and we sat and talked for hours. I can't say I thought he was this greek god, or even like this spectacular personality. I more so found his modesty, respect, upbringing, story, and views to be very intriguing. A male in the military who has watched veggie tales? ....And still uses his veggie tales bath towel? Yep. That's a first! We began to hang out as much as humanly possible, and that was a lot. Sounds like it's going somewhere, right? Well, after he got back from leave, I said I had no want to date someone and get serious before I moved to cali 6 months down the road. Of course I was trying to say it kindly and not the entire truth. The next day I posted online that I was exclusive with someone else, and that was that. We stayed friends, we worked out together, we would go to the occasional movie or play COD from time to time. But he more became my buddy to check on, and be connected to. I was always fully aware that I was safe with him and that he respected me.
That old exclusive relationship ends, and a whole new one starts in Dec. I once came to borrow his "Hobbit" (which I watched much more than he ever did since he bought it) and as he (as always) goes to walk me to the car, he realises I am with another guy. He shortly after notified me that he didn't want to hang out any more and would not be able to maintain our friendship. I cried, was very dissatisfied as I had taken Daniel to be my best friend. I thankfully ended that relationship right before New Years. I had plans to go spend a lazy New Years with friends, and now was going alone. The first person I asked was my best friend Daniel. He obliged, we went and had fun, and started becoming inseparable yet once more. We went to Oregon on trips, movies, the gym, or on the most often occasion I slept through a movie in his bed while he did chores. We were proclaimed friends, but also has agreed not to address the romantic emotions we felt for each other as I didn't want to have to be in a long distance relationship. He and I hung out as much as we could for January, knowing I was leaving in Feb. He had also already agreed to come down to California and hang out when he got leave in March. He ended up having to do training out of the state up to the week before I left to drive to Monterey. While he was gone, he continued his normal marriage jokes, then out of no where said that he was being serious. I was in the commissary shopping when I got that message and had a smile on my face from then on.
I had just started active duty and was living on a friend's couch at the time. I then proceeded to tell him that I would marry him as well. Within a 5 minute span, he said "I'm not saying we should skip dating and just get married.." and then "Well if you want to, let's see what we can work out to get married." I spent the remainder of his nights out of town (and all of my days at work) talking to him, and planning the wedding in California. I woke up (and still do these days) and crazy hours, like 1-3AM to get time to talk to him between our insane schedules. We got married, didn't honey moon, and he went back to WA to go back to work.
Now, now we get to be married and separated for the first 18 months of our marriage. It's not ideal, and we don't like it, but it is what it is. He has an insane schedule, and while mine is regular, I have a hefty task set in front of me every day of the week, and a solid 14 hours of work a day, not including things like cooking or working out. I do what I can and what I feel is my best to keep his head up, and he always reminds me that I am loved deeper than the word love can reach. Many week days we don't get communication, but weekends we either do our best to fly to see one another, or we do face time nearly the whole weekend and we get to have the same sensation. We watch movies on FaceTime, eat froyo, eat dinner, cook lunch, sleep, what ever happens on the weekend is usually done with the other person. Seems crazy, but it is the closest thing to together we can muster.
On the glass half full side, we get to have that young love, honeymoon feeling this year, and then we will get to have it yet again when we move in with each other next summer. As far as we know, I won't be active duty then, and we will reside in Washington, but, I can tell you that we never ever know what is coming, so anything could change really. Knowing he is on the other side of a class or a day or a week is what gets me through my exhaustion and frustration. And generally the same for him.
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