Culinary School. Eww.

     Pros: Easy Schedule, Learning how to cook food with more flavor. (I have quite a bland pallet), Cooking isn't rocket science, I can help other people know how to make health food more enticing, my cousin works there, I can ride my bike there, it's unique, I'll learn new foods I've never heard of.
     Cons: I don't want to be in culinary as a career, one of my peers is wretched, it's expensive, my admissions girl is about to have a baby and won't be there, I'm vegetarian, being asked to sacrifice my lifestyle for school, it doesn't involve exercise ( ;-) ).
     Do I want to go? No. Will I be going? Yes. Do my parents know how I feel? Yes. Can I get a dietician degree later? Yes. Will this schooling help me later in life? Yes. Would I be allowed to not do it if I wanted? Yes, but I'd then have to move and find another school, etc.
     Don't follow my example children. I can bake! I cannot cook. I'm not creative when it comes to food. I eat the same stuff daily, and I'm fine with it! It makes me happy, and I like my food. It sounds terrible to completely defy an elder because I won't eat something. It's just food! ...I hope they understand and don't hate me. When a teacher tells you, even before school starts, that you're going to struggle, there's no reassurance there. Gee thanks. I keep telling my self it's 18 months. We're not talking a lifetime commitment here. Give me a reason to do my hair in the morning... let's try to look at the positives LOL.        I'm great at writing papers and doing homework ;-) hehe!
     I plan to finish it, get my ACE certification during it, get my DiO! certification during, and then start working somewhere I want as during school I'm planning to work anywhere. (Job fair in 2 weeks. Excited!) We'll see--I'm just riding the wave of life.
     On a more fun note, I'm going to Atlanta again in July to go to Six Flags for a day, and I'm going to DC to tour the capital for 3 or 4 days in August! ....I get to FLY to DC! I LOVE flying! You don't understand. If I could work 2 jobs at the same time (like half of America) I would work at a gym, doing PT and nutrition guidance, and I'd be a flight attendant! ...You don't have to tell me I'm insane. I know I am.

Validation, and Dancing.

     I could thrive in an environment where I made a living encouraging people. There's something overly satisfying knowing that you had an impact on people. I say it all the time, and I do it all the time, because      I like it when people do it to me. But, tell people what their impact is on you! It's so important.
I'm watching some tv show, and in court a girl was read "you are a tragedy and a disgrace to the public and your family. People need love, and to know that you heard them, and that you care what they have to say. Validation is vital to us.

     I told you I was going to the Y to see if I could use the empty aerobics room.... and I could! I put my CD in and danced for 47 minutes to all the songs we dance to at my old Y! I LOVED it! Not to mention I got one heck of a work out, along with some stares through the windows, but I supposed I asked for that. I'll video and you can see how funny I look! I'll be back today to do it again! With a little tanning and bi/tri/shoulder work too :-) Now that I have this, I'm cool with the Y, I can do everything I need to, and I plan to get ACE certified sometime starting in August and teach it for more than myself!
     Also, I wore holes through my running shoes, so I'm off to get me some new ones! I'll show you what I get!

     I'm feeling like the next 5 days won't be the most awesome... but I'm hoping I can change that. I'm going to kill it today, nothing cool tomorrow, Friday I'm going to my home Y to see people, and that's it this week, so hopefully I'll find something to do hah. Only 2 weeks left before I have school to do, and face a new running path in life heh.
     This song speaks to my point in life, and it's good. I've been entertained by MTV's jump start in the mornings now!

Short Thoughts and Random Ramblings.

     Is it as interesting to you as it is to me, that you can have a perfect physical day, but mentally you're 6ft under? How is there no connection? Or is it all in a decision we make to be happy or not? Perhaps that's case specific? Either way, the mind body connection is quite unique. I've experienced it in my mind perception, my emotions, my thoughts, all in contrast to my physical being, and they rarely correlate. But when they do, it's like I've been given drugs I'm so over the top! Anyways :-P
     Baking today! Whoop! I love some good lonely kitchen time! (No sarcasm at all. I don't like people in my way in the kitchen usually.) Which brings to mind the fact that school starts two weeks from today. I'm ready to be back in school, and with people, and have things I have to do, but at the same time, I know I'm jumping into something I don't want. I'm pretty sure the world knows I'm vegetarian--People are telling me I'm not going to at all be successful if I can't taste stuff. So how do I pick between a grade and a personal decision? Yea, I'll touch it all you like, just don't ask me to consume it. I can see me coming across as a stubborn stuck up girl when the fight goes down. Blarg.
     On an up! I've downloaded all the dance songs I know, and I'm headed to the gym after lunch to see if I can use the aerobics room to get my groove on :-D! I miss dancing, and I have a carpeted living room, so  chances of some kind of injury from twisting are way too high. If they won't let me play music...... I guess I could dance with headphones on haha... Then I'll be declared insane for sure. As if I haven't already been. We'll see. I might blank in my sheer petrification and not be able to dance at all.
     But you never know until you try, and the worst they can do is say no.
Is sincerity something that should be controlled? Or should it be used when it is felt? I use it all the time, but I wonder if it could be overwhelming for the receiving party. Just a thought.
It's almost 11, I should do something at least half productive seeing as I've been on my couch for 2.5 hours. Was nice to sleep past 5:30 though!

The Woes of Weight

     I don't like calories, I don't like weight, I don't like scales, macronutrients, none of it--when it has to do with me. People always have a reason they lost weight.... I have no idea what mine was! People ask, and I tell them I hated how I looked, which I remember to be true, because I was so mad all my friends were getting hit on while I wasn't, but I don't remember whether I was truly that bothered by it. I remember it wasn't long after we moved here, in June '07, my mom started Weight Watchers, and I went with her.

     Didn't work for me. At 14, I had no desire to measure a cup of cereal for breakfast. I just wanted to poor the crap in the bowl and be on my way. That summer right before I turned 15, I started looking at everything I could about ways to lose weight. Alli, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and any other pill I could get information on. My mom was iffy on most of it, and after looking at Jenny Craig, let me start it. I struggled with it, taking food to school and not eating the deliciously greasy french fries handed to you by people in gloves. I couldn't stick to it, and had no clue about nutrition or health. Which, you don't really have to to lose weight. Look at the McDonalds diet. Ew. Anyhow, a year later, I started homeschooling. Still yet to step foot in a gym. Out of the school food scenario, the food side just got better and better. I wanted to work out more than anything, but I had no friends that weren't out of school to go during the day, and I couldn't talk my parents into a Y membership. Then 3 months later, Sept '09, I got one. I went for hours a day. I could drive, so I spent as much time there as I wanted. I had a couple friends, and I got addicted to Zumba. I haven't stopped going since. I've never missed more than a week (When I had surgery). I still ate Jenny Craig. Ended up eating it for 2.5 years actually. Which is how long it took me to lose 50 pounds. I didn't think it was slow, until I heard other people losing 10 pounds a month.
     February '10, I became vegetarian, and had I known at the time I would be here today, I'd never have done it. While I recognize it's reversible easily, I almost enjoy having something that keeps me separate from my family. I'm not sure if I'll stay this way forever, but for now. I lost most of the weight post change, in addition to running two half marathons. Still at this point I'm completely knowledge less of what's happening, why I'm losing weight, that I should be weight training, or why running is helping me lose weight and such. Ignorant to the nth degree. Fall of '10 comes, and I find out I'm having surgery in December to fix my nose from an accident when I was 10. My immediate reaction is that I know I'll be sedentary for a bit and I need to make sure I don't undo the work I've done by gaining back anything.

     My original goal, when I started JC in '08, had been 125. I got there and decided I wanted to hit 120, and on the way there is when I found out about the surgery, so I talked to my consultant and decided to lose to 116 to give me room if I gain anything. Being underaged, their policy was I had to eat 1500, even if 1200 would've been right for my height and activity etc, but I worked the system, looked at a 1200cal menu, and just skipped portions of fruit or milk on my menu to eat only 1200 (never eating exercise calories, easily exercising 800-1000cals off at a time). It was right around that time, in Aug '10 I found a site where I could figure out exactly what I was eating. This is when I started to gain a bit of knowledge about what was going on in my body and such. My consultant urged and pleaded with me to eat the right amount, which continued until Dec or Jan'11. I hit 116 in Oct '10, and hung around there losing at the most another 2 before my surgery.
     During that week following I was so petrified I would gain weight, I kept my calories between 700-900. During that week, I lost 5lb. I recovered extremely fast, which, while yes, I was in great shape, and that helps, being at such low dietary intakes, I have no clue how my body did what it did. After more than 2.5 years of learning to eat at a deficit, I was totally trained. I ate the same thing everyday pretty much, at the same time, and knew exactly how much to eat. After that week, I never increased my intake, and I was working out hard (still).
     Now a slim 109 pounds, people were definitely talking. A lot. I heard a billion times to eat a cheese burger. Couldn't they have at least said a block of Tofu?! I loved how I looked. For the first time in my life I fit into a size 3. (I had no clothing size goal when I started to lose weight.) I was now drowning in the deep end of the weight loss pool. I began to get worried myself, and through online contact others were telling me things I had no clue about, and what I was doing to my body. I remember a respectable man told me "We know what reasonable amounts to intake are, and you're way below them, and we know what reasonable amounts of exercise are, and you're way above them." That hit me like a wet towel. I cried upon reading that. I was so scared of what I was doing, because I lacked the knowledge base to A) fix it, and B) know that it needed to be fixed.
     The popular media is chalked full of information on how to lose weight (be it reasonable or not), but how to make the transition to maintenance, not so much. I think having eaten the way I did for so long, made it much harder. I found help, started by testing my Body Fat %, which I was 17%, and I was talked into the dangers of that level. I now know I was ok. I had a dire need for some meat on my bones, but I wasn't about to keel over. I sure thought at the time I was about to, however.
     Feb '11, I started weight gain and lifting. It was the devil, and I would much rather lose weight than gain it. I had uncountable nights of 54oz protein shakes, and a feeling of extreme bloating I had never known. But, slowly but surely, 3 pounds of fat came, and brought 7 of LBM with it. I was over the top. No longer did I have to eat like there was about to be a famine, but I could see muscle. Nothing I had ever dreamed of having. I haven't stopped lifting since then, and while I gained a bit more muscle, and dropped my fat back down, I'm not done. I'm building and dropping, and I love the results, and the gym time.
     So why do I hate it all still? It took me 2.5 years to exact the practice of eating at a deficit. I have yet to learn to eat at a surplus, or maintenance. To this day I'm losing weight. Not sure what's being lost, fat or LBM, and we all know which is the preference, but either way, I can't go a second without having to make sure I eat enough, and fight the desire to eat at a deficit. While that desire is very faded, it's not hard to know it's still there. Even on a recent vacation I came home to a weight loss. It's exhausting to be tied to a scale because you lose weight at the drop of a hat. Can I tell without the scale? You bet ya. I have no idea when it will be over. It's a long, and tiring fight, and if asked, I'd say I had an ED for a period of time. No clue how long, and definitely undiagnosed. Luckily for the people helping me, and my health, I'm easily reasoned with, and I have good intentions.
     Fight on I will. My motivation not to stop? I know if I lose weight, it's not 100% fat, and I know that I enjoy the way the muscle looks. No way am I willingly handing over the muscle and hard work I put in to gain it. Even if it's a minute amount.

Physical Satisfaction or Emotional Satisfaction?

Soooo.. I took a vacation. And it ROCKED. I was in Atlanta for four days, and I... I experienced a few days of what it feels like to be loved. Weird way to describe it right? Or, maybe my definition of "love" is tainted.
I grew up in a perfect home situation. Parents didn't fight, I had everything I could dream of or need (within reason), and I was told "Love you" daily. For the recored, in my head, when you add the "i" before the sentence, it changes it completely. Anyways, the amount of communication issues we had my entire life, left me quite empty. I thankfully didn't turn bad to places to fill that void, like many teens do. I turned to the gym. That however, is an entire other story! But this vacation, I experienced a genuine persona of love. I was with people of my "kind," and when you can completely relate to those around you, it makes for a much deeper connection.
What did we do? We rock climbed, where I learned exactly what belaying is and how it applies to relationships, and God. We rode bikes, ate Ethiopian, had a mini Glee party, tested out Insanity, hiked Stone Mountain, saw Xmen, had a cookout,  hit the gym, and made vegan strawberry waffles with lemon icing! Every moment was memorable, and enjoyable. My kind of vacation!
Now, I'm back to my one person life, and while there's much to be thankful for here, I'd quickly trade worldly possessions for emotional fulfillment. Wouldn't you? Life can be sweeter when you have everything you want physically, but can it feel complete if you're emotionally empty? I've quickly learned I'm much more affectionate and loving with friends than those I actually like. Why is that? Perhaps some kind of mechanism to keep myself safe? Isn't self discovery an interesting thing?
It's not depression, it's just deep thought.


"Your flourishing self pours blessings into your relationships. You find other people to be a source of wonder. They often bring you energy. When you are with them, you listen deeply. You are struck by their dreams. You bless. You are able to disclose your own thoughts and feelings in a way that invites openness in others. You quickly admit your errors, and you freely give."

Rock That Body!

     I'm not feeling chatty, so I'll dive right in. It's fairly common knowledge that I've lost weight. Nothing astronomical, but enough to raise my self esteem, and get complements. Not enough to make me conceited, don't get me wrong, but people complement me on the hard work I've put in. Everyone has their own reason to lose weight, but one of the biggest, or the biggest, is the individual doesn't like the reflection they see. The thought is, I can lose 15lbs, 50lbs, 150lbs, what ever it is, and I'll be able to appreciate what looks back at me when I get out of the shower. Not true. No matter what you weigh, or what you lose, you probably won't ever be satisfied with what you see. I hit the gym 6 days a week, I eat like I should, and I live a drama and stress free life. Sounds like I should be on cloud nine, eh? I wake up every morning, see myself in the mirror, and can't appreciate it. Don't like it usually. Sure, I'm satisfied with some things. I love my legs! I love the muscle I've put on... but honestly.. I hate my stomach. Doesn't matter how many complements I get, or what my BF% is-It's the one place I can't fix.
     So, while I have no appreciation for certain parts of me, I don't let it get to me. I. Rock. My. Body. I could play endless mind games with myself, and I could wear baggy clothes and walk around in self disgust, but that's pointless. I'm naturally optimistic, which is quite helpful in most situations. I feel like what I'm doing is adequate, and If I can't get my body to do what I want with what I'm doing, then so be it. I'm still going to have friends, I'm still able to workout, I'm still able to eat what I love, so it's not hindering me in any fashion. So, when I have a thought like "I feel so fat today".. I look at myself in the mirror, then I think to myself "You fit into a size 3 jean comfortably. Fat isn't in your vocabulary."
     All to make my point.. no matter what you lose, or how many times you get complemented, you will still have self esteem issues. But. Rock Your Body. You only have one, and it's a beautiful one. Life can't be lived to the fullest if you're walking around thinking "do they think I look fat?" or "suck it in, suck it in." Our society cares too much a bout waistline numbers and too little about inner beauty.

     This song says it all. Doesn't matter what you look like... Rock the Body you were given, or the body you've made for yourself!

What Is She Doing?

     Thursday morning: 7:45 AM. Head to my car, and bring up a box the size of me, which consists of a 30lb bike. 9:15AM Carry down front wheel of a bike, and other ...two thirds. 11:10AM unload front wheel of a bike, and other two thirds. 12:30PM Reload front wheel of a bike, and other two thirds. 1:45PM unload front wheel of a bike and other two thirds. 2:30PM leave empty handed. 4:30PM arrive with two TJ Maxx bags. 5:00PM load up the whole bike mess again. 6:00PM unload it for the last time.
I have to be the most odd neighbor people have ever seen. Like seriously? If I was watching people all day, I would be thinking "get a bike rack and consolidate trips you weirdo!" Little do they know my tire would pop if left in the heat. So my crazy isn't all THAT crazy, but still. Then in there somewhere, I tried to disassemble my bike box and put it in the trash.. Yea, I'm too short to reach the top of the dumpster, and it wouldn't fit through the side, so I naturally flattened it and left it next to the dumpster. Luckily some kind soul put it in for me :-)
     On to more important things. Recent events have been slightly thought provoking for me; I suppose everything is some how thought provoking, but some thoughts stick around longer. After moving, and talking to someone, I begin to wonder, why do we generally not tell people how we feel? I'm quite a joker, so for me, serious and sincere aren't really in my nature. Not to mention sincerity somehow makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't know if I like that feeling or not. When you're sincere, you open the door for someone to not return something, leaving you crushed and not wanting to do it again, making you want to be even less sincere than you were before! I know though, personally, when someone expresses their honest opinion or feelings towards me, I genuinely appreciate it. I know I don't always succeed, but I like people to know how I honestly feel about them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going around telling people I think they are too judgmental, or that they complain too much. I'd say I like all of the people I associate with, leaving me with nothing bad to say about them. However, if I pick up that in your life you feel or are under appreciated, or could use the knowledge, and it would mean something to you, it's going to be made known my true feelings about you. Makes me think of the whole "do unto others as you want done to you" rule. I want people to express their feelings towards me, so I express mine towards them! Not to mention, with the stuff I do, and you probably do too, you could be gone at any moment.
     I have a guy that I went to HS with that died not too long ago, and all I could think about was how he will never know how many people loved him, and came to see him at his visitation and were at his funeral. Or the amount of things people wrote on his facebook page saying how much they love him and will miss him. Powerful. I want to know that before I die. I don't want to be kept in the dark about how many people love me and such.
     Think about it next time you're talking to someone you care greatly about. Or someone you just know.

That Sweet Girl From Tennessee

     I've been listening to various songs, trying to decide which one presents my current mood best, both lyrically, and melodically, and I'm pretty sure this hits the spot.

     I was tempted to put "This is Home" by Switchfoot, as I feel a little different about what home is and where it is now, but the beat wasn't feeling it. Anyways.. Yesterday was a day of pretty bad boredom, which those days are bound to occur seeing as I have a month before school, well, a little less than now.
     I started out at Panera, having someone make breakfast for me, which I always love. I like cooking, but since I don't lead the average "eat out 4 meals a week" American lifestyle, I do a lot of cooking, and every once in a while, a break is nice. With the exception of this week ;). People always want to eat when they see you, which I'm not really a supporter of, but I feel bad saying no. As I knew I would, in my boredom, I hit the treadmill. What was intended to be 2 miles, turned into 3.25. I had my music on, was sweating, and had nothing better to do. Sitting on the couch more than I already had didn't appeal to any part of me. I finally decided not stop, and I headed to the Sumner co. Y to do chest and back with my wellness teacher I had at Vol State. We've been trying to coordinate forever, and finally made it.
     After that, not only did she think she was going to die (she spent three hours at the gym the day before after being gone a month-also out of boredom), but she was ready to do it again. It's hard to find motivated lifters, with good form, and know how- ok, it's actually not really common to hit a trifecta as such! Either way, every Tuesday we're now working out. To my surprise, she was ecstatic for the same thing I was, someone to workout with and someone who has genuine interest in you and your life!
I headed from there to a spin class. Only 30 minutes, but I just don't like spin. It's miserable. I feel like my quads are tearing with every rotation I do. Either way, I'll be going back. With my bike coming in this afternoon, spin is a fantastic was to train to ride harder, faster, and longer.
     I'm praying tomorrow I can figure out how to assemble the bike, and that it will fit in my living room :-) I need a helmet.. going to have to go buy that. Oh goodie! More money out the door. Also heading home tonight to workout with my family (my Y). I have quite the list of things to do while there: Run 3 miles, Dance it Out!, and ensure proper squat form (in addition to the entire leg routine).
     Babbling bout over.. off to walk some more out of boredom!

Didn't You Know? I'm All Alone.

As we can all see, my reading streak didn't last long. I'm surprised it occurred in the first place! However, I did learn a good bit from those reads, and I enjoyed the endless hours of coffee at Starbucks! Any who, on to the more interesting stuff. Most know, I moved out! Yep, got an apartment, and I'm toughing it out on my own in this jungle A.K.A. Life! Lemme tell you, it's a beautiful thing! While I have too much time on my hands, because school hasn't started (Art Institute), and I miss my Robertson Co. Y way too much for words, I'm surviving! No one asks where I'm going, and no one eats my beloved food! No more missing wraps or empty jelly jars. Yes, I'm territorial about my jelly people!

On another note- it's common knowledge I live at the gym, and know the people better there than my own family, so switching was torture. My first try wasn't a success, but the second one was a win! The hoped-to-be hip hop class wasn't, but there are worse things then learning you can't club dance worth anything. I actually got invited to work out with someone (ok, so they were from the Rob Co. Y, but still!). I've got this! I also ordered a road bike.. comes in tomorrow! Way way way excited to be able to ride endlessly. Hopefully successfully- I've never ridden a road bike.

I was completely unpacked by Friday, and other than not being able to find my napkins, I'm good! My favorite part? The bathroom mirror is like a bay window. Yep, 3 mirrors. It's great for checking out my muscles as my Dad, A.K.A. Tommy says. Plaid couch and all, I'm rocking the apartment world!

I recently discovered the world of Province. It's like an entire universe out here! I'm 2.7 miles from school, 1.8 from Panera, 3.4 from the Y, and 1.7 from the greenway. I've never felt so civilized in my life.

All in all, with my sports package on Comcast, a bike, and a good location... I'm set to be fit and happy! (No fat and happy here!)

I thought I'd offer you a little morning joy. This song.. is amazing! The entire world knows I adore dancing, and this song makes me wanna bust a grove! Anytime I feel like junk, I turn me on some Hanson (Only the fast songs.." Me, Myself, And I" is an ok slow one, and fitting) and get that smile right back on my face!