The Woes of Weight

     I don't like calories, I don't like weight, I don't like scales, macronutrients, none of it--when it has to do with me. People always have a reason they lost weight.... I have no idea what mine was! People ask, and I tell them I hated how I looked, which I remember to be true, because I was so mad all my friends were getting hit on while I wasn't, but I don't remember whether I was truly that bothered by it. I remember it wasn't long after we moved here, in June '07, my mom started Weight Watchers, and I went with her.

     Didn't work for me. At 14, I had no desire to measure a cup of cereal for breakfast. I just wanted to poor the crap in the bowl and be on my way. That summer right before I turned 15, I started looking at everything I could about ways to lose weight. Alli, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and any other pill I could get information on. My mom was iffy on most of it, and after looking at Jenny Craig, let me start it. I struggled with it, taking food to school and not eating the deliciously greasy french fries handed to you by people in gloves. I couldn't stick to it, and had no clue about nutrition or health. Which, you don't really have to to lose weight. Look at the McDonalds diet. Ew. Anyhow, a year later, I started homeschooling. Still yet to step foot in a gym. Out of the school food scenario, the food side just got better and better. I wanted to work out more than anything, but I had no friends that weren't out of school to go during the day, and I couldn't talk my parents into a Y membership. Then 3 months later, Sept '09, I got one. I went for hours a day. I could drive, so I spent as much time there as I wanted. I had a couple friends, and I got addicted to Zumba. I haven't stopped going since. I've never missed more than a week (When I had surgery). I still ate Jenny Craig. Ended up eating it for 2.5 years actually. Which is how long it took me to lose 50 pounds. I didn't think it was slow, until I heard other people losing 10 pounds a month.
     February '10, I became vegetarian, and had I known at the time I would be here today, I'd never have done it. While I recognize it's reversible easily, I almost enjoy having something that keeps me separate from my family. I'm not sure if I'll stay this way forever, but for now. I lost most of the weight post change, in addition to running two half marathons. Still at this point I'm completely knowledge less of what's happening, why I'm losing weight, that I should be weight training, or why running is helping me lose weight and such. Ignorant to the nth degree. Fall of '10 comes, and I find out I'm having surgery in December to fix my nose from an accident when I was 10. My immediate reaction is that I know I'll be sedentary for a bit and I need to make sure I don't undo the work I've done by gaining back anything.

     My original goal, when I started JC in '08, had been 125. I got there and decided I wanted to hit 120, and on the way there is when I found out about the surgery, so I talked to my consultant and decided to lose to 116 to give me room if I gain anything. Being underaged, their policy was I had to eat 1500, even if 1200 would've been right for my height and activity etc, but I worked the system, looked at a 1200cal menu, and just skipped portions of fruit or milk on my menu to eat only 1200 (never eating exercise calories, easily exercising 800-1000cals off at a time). It was right around that time, in Aug '10 I found a site where I could figure out exactly what I was eating. This is when I started to gain a bit of knowledge about what was going on in my body and such. My consultant urged and pleaded with me to eat the right amount, which continued until Dec or Jan'11. I hit 116 in Oct '10, and hung around there losing at the most another 2 before my surgery.
     During that week following I was so petrified I would gain weight, I kept my calories between 700-900. During that week, I lost 5lb. I recovered extremely fast, which, while yes, I was in great shape, and that helps, being at such low dietary intakes, I have no clue how my body did what it did. After more than 2.5 years of learning to eat at a deficit, I was totally trained. I ate the same thing everyday pretty much, at the same time, and knew exactly how much to eat. After that week, I never increased my intake, and I was working out hard (still).
     Now a slim 109 pounds, people were definitely talking. A lot. I heard a billion times to eat a cheese burger. Couldn't they have at least said a block of Tofu?! I loved how I looked. For the first time in my life I fit into a size 3. (I had no clothing size goal when I started to lose weight.) I was now drowning in the deep end of the weight loss pool. I began to get worried myself, and through online contact others were telling me things I had no clue about, and what I was doing to my body. I remember a respectable man told me "We know what reasonable amounts to intake are, and you're way below them, and we know what reasonable amounts of exercise are, and you're way above them." That hit me like a wet towel. I cried upon reading that. I was so scared of what I was doing, because I lacked the knowledge base to A) fix it, and B) know that it needed to be fixed.
     The popular media is chalked full of information on how to lose weight (be it reasonable or not), but how to make the transition to maintenance, not so much. I think having eaten the way I did for so long, made it much harder. I found help, started by testing my Body Fat %, which I was 17%, and I was talked into the dangers of that level. I now know I was ok. I had a dire need for some meat on my bones, but I wasn't about to keel over. I sure thought at the time I was about to, however.
     Feb '11, I started weight gain and lifting. It was the devil, and I would much rather lose weight than gain it. I had uncountable nights of 54oz protein shakes, and a feeling of extreme bloating I had never known. But, slowly but surely, 3 pounds of fat came, and brought 7 of LBM with it. I was over the top. No longer did I have to eat like there was about to be a famine, but I could see muscle. Nothing I had ever dreamed of having. I haven't stopped lifting since then, and while I gained a bit more muscle, and dropped my fat back down, I'm not done. I'm building and dropping, and I love the results, and the gym time.
     So why do I hate it all still? It took me 2.5 years to exact the practice of eating at a deficit. I have yet to learn to eat at a surplus, or maintenance. To this day I'm losing weight. Not sure what's being lost, fat or LBM, and we all know which is the preference, but either way, I can't go a second without having to make sure I eat enough, and fight the desire to eat at a deficit. While that desire is very faded, it's not hard to know it's still there. Even on a recent vacation I came home to a weight loss. It's exhausting to be tied to a scale because you lose weight at the drop of a hat. Can I tell without the scale? You bet ya. I have no idea when it will be over. It's a long, and tiring fight, and if asked, I'd say I had an ED for a period of time. No clue how long, and definitely undiagnosed. Luckily for the people helping me, and my health, I'm easily reasoned with, and I have good intentions.
     Fight on I will. My motivation not to stop? I know if I lose weight, it's not 100% fat, and I know that I enjoy the way the muscle looks. No way am I willingly handing over the muscle and hard work I put in to gain it. Even if it's a minute amount.