Once Again - Shake It Out.

     Tonight, I lost a little bit of myself. They say you never forget your first love, and you always hold them in your heart. I can now attest to those truths. As previously mentioned, we've been hitting speed bumps, and just when we hoped to fix them, more came. Some strong truth was admitted, plenty of tears have been shed, and I hurt. I don't feel rejected, but that doesn't mean there's not a lot of pain. I'll always wish I could've made it work, I'll always wish I could take back all those times I said things I didn't mean, and I'll always know that if I didn't live like I have, I wouldn't have gotten to experience what true happiness is.
     Is he hurting? I won't ever know. As I sat across from him, all I could think about when I responded, was to not make him feel bad for expressing the truth. Sometimes, no matter how much pain you feel, the other person still takes precedence. Part of me hurts because no one in his life will ever know I existed, and that he had someone looking at him saying they love him.
     I reminisce about the things that warmed my heart, brought a smile to my face, reminded me how perfect people are, and shaped bits of me:

I never lived down the moment passing the famous Maltnomah falls, completely exhausted and offended about nothing important, refusing to look at them.

The DQ blizzards he loved to walk to get.

His willingness to indulge in dressing up more than necessary.

His "I want you"'s
Cooking my first burger.

His random dancing and singing in public.

Being serenaded while lifting.

Our thinking being so in sync I finish his sentences.

Discovering Marco Polo.

Learning to disc golf.

Deciding "Puddles" is the only form of dedicated Duck fan naming possible for humans or animals.

Making fun of bad gym form.

Watching him teach puddles to like other dogs.

Leaving work to take me to the ER.

His driving 45 minutes each way to see me in Corvallis.

Eating Vietnamese on December 10, 2011

Him using heart rate monitors as an excuse to talk to me.

His unparalleled fashion.

     I bring to you, a mini collage of songs that fit this time, my thoughts, and who we were. Us being friends? Not sure if I can do that yet, but it'll be decided.

Us.

You Live With Your Own Decisions

     Lately, emotionally, I've been in 1,000,000 pieces. I'm not going to expend the energy necessary to recall all of the issues, but mostly man related. We're going LONG bouts without seeing each other, and I'm struggling immensely with it. Then others' dissatisfaction with our relationship, and it's timing. I end up feeling not unwanted, just not wanted. So, we're still holding on, but it's taking a whole lot out of me.
     I'm back in the gym full time, cutting, unsuccessfully. Loving my gym time these days; though I've never liked leg days! After stopping then restarting, my body has changed shapes a couple of times, which I'm glad it's coming back to where it was. The non lifter body made me extremely insecure, in addition to feeling stuffed constantly.
     I have the end of this week, and next at my current job, then I'm officially free. I found a new one, or two. One I for sure have; it's 8 hours a week cleaning someones house. I'm not a cleaner really, but it pays well, and it's not a lot of hours. However, I do want more hours, so I continued to apply, and was blessed to get an interview for a catering server position just 2 miles from where I live. Save gas, make more than I did at my last full time job, and this one has very flexible hours/schedules. I can be as busy, or as slow, as I choose. I start school on Tuesday as well, which I'm very much looking forward to!
     As far as friends go, I've befriended my lower neighbor, and we are strong dog walking buddies, and we jog as well. It gives me social interaction, gives Puddles some exercise, and me some cardio. She's a little older than I, but we're in the same situation with school/work.
     I'm hanging in there as strong as I can :-)

It's a stress of a life; But it's mine.

     A lot has gone on. A lot. My hand has halted lifting, caused a lot of issues at work, and has inconvenienced my life. I've been to Seattle, WA, I've been through not so great times in my relationship with my boyfriend, and I've cried at work, and felt beaten down.
     My relationship is good. Everyone has issues in theirs, and we're learning very well how to deal with them in a manor that is constructive. We go on dates a lot, and I'm there to support his work triumphs and his physical wins. Our beloved child, Puddles, loves us very much. He stays off his leash, he's house trained, he comes when we call, and he loved my road trip I took him on to WA.
     Lifting, I'm scared to go back after such a hiatus, my lifts, stamina, all will be down; I've recomped to higher fat, and I'm feeling fairly awful these days. You do what you can to work through it, and you keep your eye on the future. Tight clothes, constant bloating, bad cardio endurance, you name it, I'm feeling it, and it's a feeling that's indescribable.
     Recently I took a trip to Seattle WA to visit friends I grew up with. I enjoyed, didn't fret, and it was something I needed. I delved into seafood, I devoured ice cream, and I downed pizza. A short drive from me, and well worth it. Work is taking my liveliness and my spirit, and running it into the ground. I give my all, and I'm often put down by my manager. People are starting to notice as well. Yes, my hand has inconvenienced her, but I'm a person, and I can't help this particular thing. I'd like to leave, but the having to job search again isn't enticing.

Seafood Boil @ Crab Pot

Peppermint Paddy, Bonanaza, and Hazelnut Brittle w/ chocolate Gonache Ice creams and a Palmier

Lebanese Pita

Chicken Breast w/caramelized onions Sammy @ Paseo, Seattle