Why Is It Hard To Control The Mind?

     I struggle all the time with my mind. A friend at the gym recently told me something her husband says to her, as she is pregnant now and used to being ripped.. "The mind is a dangerous place, don't go there alone." Well, when you're married to the Army, you're alone a lot. It's part of the sucky territory that the public assumes is only when your spouse is deployed. Wrong... it's a lot of your life. I have the dogs, the gym, acquaintances, but there's still a lot of time to be filled. I've learned cooking is almost a self destructive way to fill that time. I can only work out so much. So I end up in my mind alone all too often.
     What goes on in my mind, even I can't understand. I try to understand why I'm so contradictory of myself. What is going on, right? I was completely solid until I got home from Cali. Once I got back, and I found myself not consumed by 12 hour days and 3 hours of face timing a day, I found myself back to what I do to please people, to give, to love, and to keep busy... baking. Then there's my husband who is a child at heart and loves candy, so my inner child falls to it every time. Some times with out guilt. I'm constantly torn between what I know I'm "supposed to do" and what we want to do, or what I just lack the self control to do.
     I look at everyone that I pass from day to day and think about their genetics, life style, eating habits, and what I think about their physique. I almost always come to the conclusion that they're a good looking person. If I see an obese person, I see not fat, but the potential for massive amounts of strength. Yet.... when I look at myself, I see that I'm not what I was 5 months ago. I see that I'm still weaker than I was when I was smaller, and I see that I had a lot more self control than I do now. So my mind says.... you have zero self control, you're over weight, you're weaker than you should be and were, and at the same time, it says I'm normal, my husband loves me, I work out 5 days a week, and I would rather be eating the stuff I love instead of eating and feeling guilty.
     Why is my mind so split? Why am I very stuck on how I was and how I'm not executing the self control to get back to that spot? Why do I buy the foods telling myself they're to make my husband happy but then I eat half of the stuff? Why can't I exhibit the self control? Is it because I work in a job full of food? Or because I don't care what I weigh? ...I have no idea what the answers to any of them are. I've asked myself over and over how I find someone bigger than myself gorgeous but I look at myself with self hatred and frustration.