Why Not Dwell On The Past Sometimes?

     When I broke my nose, in 2004, I started to write. I'm not sure if it was out of boredom, to make a list of thank you notes, or just to be able to look back and remember what happened. No matter what the reason, I kept writing very diligently, and while I don't much anymore, I have a total of 5 journals. Not diaries. If someone wanted to read them, I would hand them over. It's an account of my life, spanning 7 years. If someone offered to show me their story written by them self, I would jump on the opportunity.
     Last night, I felt like writing. I was going to go to church, and got lost (yes, in my own city), then when I found myself, it was too late to make it. So I drove back home, turned on some music, and had at it. When I went to get the book, I realized I had finished one, and started the next. Only one entry had been completed, so I decided to read it. I read it, and thought... Wow. I feel like it's something others could benefit from.  The story is actually about someone, which doesn't take much background. So, here it is for you.

"Friday night, John's dad had a stroke.. Broke his shoulder. Johns hoping to go this Friday (to where his dad lives), his dad has surgery tomorrow to fix the shoulder. My heart cries for him. I can't imagine. Plus, to make things worse, he's such a worrier, this rips him up. Only son? Men are supposed to be strong for the women - how can he be expected to be? All of my recent struggles with him, I've been praying more than ever on how to handle the situation - my feelings. Today during the sermon, and through the words in a song,  God told me "Love the ones even who can't love back. Be there no matter what." (roughly). So for me, especially right now, I offer my company, I drop any expectations - permanently - I realize living 2 miles from him won't mean seeing him more. I think about how you can't change anyone but yourself! He will always like recreational drinking, probably always hate religion, and that's not what is for me. I don't get mad at Kyle when he can't hang out with me, even though he always does - I'm sympathetic towards him. John deserves the same. It will always be hard for me. That gives me a perfect chance to fight temptation and piss off the enemy! Woot! =)  I thought to myself "where is the line between faith and "enough"?" As in, when have I loved as much as I can and subjected myself to enough pain. However, doesn't that kind of say to God "How much love do I have to exert to make you happy?" Shouldn't I be willing to go through any amount of pain to try to exhibit you in the world, especially to an atheist?! People die for God All the time, and I won't even experience rejection? No - I don't stop putting myself out there. I also thought - and posted on FB Ha! - "I love community because it gives me relief from the pain of being me." Very true, but sad. ... All that occupies my mind is John's pain. He doesn't know how much people care. Indescribable. "Love like your heard could never break." I'm trying. I want to "Love with every breath I take." Jesus Help me please. I love you."

I'll let you leave with your own thoughts on that.