A God You Can't Imagine.

So.. I have a little story for you.. That has a big impact. First off--I finished Crazy Love. That's a record for me..... there's not a doubt in my mind you need to read it.

Today, I had a bad day. I have a close friend, whom I "like," and a great spirit of jealousy was instilled in me, along with a spirit of inadequacy. If I'm going to look at the silver lining on that.. it's that my jealousy isn't nearly as ugly as it could be. HOWEVER, I can't stand it--sure, when someone is jealous towards me.. I find it kind of flattering, but God specifically states that jealousy is extremely dangerous in Proverbs 27:4 "Anger is cruel, and Wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous." Imagine how angry you've been... I know for me, I can't imagine my jealousy being worse than my anger. Jealousy doesn't seem nearly as bad in my eyes.. But what God says goes. I just like--Wow.

(Back to my story) My bad day put me in a mood which effected them and so on and it's pretty much an endless cycle. I told them I had a bad day, and they said "why?" I said "Because I can't be the person towards you that I want to. And you deserve I guess." They told me earlier our recent fighting has impacted their everyday life.. I just.. all I could do was say "I'm so sorry." I never.. never.. want to cause someone to be bitter in life. Such a terrible feeling. Anyways, things happened, and I came home, pretty sad I was spending the night alone, when I really wanted to be doing something. I told a friend "I'd love to just lie in bed and cry. But, that won't help anything. So I won't" I then remembered Zumba. I went, I let go of my thoughts for an hour.. I needed it!

I came home, to an empty house (I love it that way), had breakfast for dinner, and decided that the only cure to what I was feeling.. inadequacy and jealousy, was some quiet time. I grabbed hot chocolate and my Crazy Love book, opened where I left off and made it through a page.

I read: "I urge you to consider and actually love as though each person you come into contact with is Christ."

My immediate thought? I most definitely haven't been treating this person as though they are Christ. Jealous causes us to say things we don't mean. Which I had.. kind of.. more of I said things in a way that was with an attitude and just not a way I would EVER consider talking to Christ.

In that moment.. I started crying hysterically. I thought about every person I treat like nothing. I cried out to God, telling him I wanted this person to be happy and know I truly care about them. I rebuked the spirits of Jealousy and Inadequacy, and I just cried to him about what I felt today. Even though God knows your every thought before you think it.. there's definitely power in you being raw with Him.

This sounds.. well, gross, but, I cried and cried and naturally I had to blow my nose. As most know, I just had surgery two weeks go on my knows. It's a miracle I can even cry with no pain, let alone blow my nose. I did, and instantly.. I could breathe. For the first time in 7 years, I could breathe. I yet once more.. burst into tears. I can't even begin to describe to you the feeling I had/have.

Next, I turned on worship music. Go buy (or ask me for) Phil Wickham's "Heaven & Earth" and Gungor's "We Will Run" and Delirious' "Our God Reigns". 

I just cried out "These are the hands that built the mountain, the hands that calmed the sea, these are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you & me, these are the hands that healed the leper, pulled the lame up to their feet, these are the arms that were nailed to a cross to break our chains & set us free! "

I sat and thought about the lyrics I was singing to him. "Our God reigns. Our God reigns. Forever His kingdom Reigns." What can you say about that?

"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath 

'Well done my child, enter in and rest' 
Tears of joy roll down my cheek 
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams 

...

I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I cant wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song"

Imagine it. ..I can't.

I thought to myself.. I would give ANYTHING to have my God standing in front of me to give me a hug. An hour and a half I worship, and prayed. I'm more than happy I didn't have anything to do tonight. I had a date with the man I LOVE more than anything else on Earth.

The last little section in Chan's book talks about are you ready if God comes for you now. You bet your pajamas I am. I would be more than delighted to see the face of my Lover, my Father, my Best Friend. We all have to stand in front of God and tell about our account on Earth. I sure hope I can say "I can't believe I talked to you yesterday.. and now I'm standing in front of You!"

Such conviction I experienced. Such Love.

"Lord you gave your life for me 

So I will give my life for you 
All because of your love 
All because of your love 

Because of your cross my debt is paid 
Because of your blood my sins are washed away 
Now all of my life I freely give 
Because of your love, because your love I live 

You did it for me, you did it for love 
I'ts your victory, Jesus you are enough "