What To Do, When You Don't Know What To Do.

     I won't pretend that my life this year has been how I planned. I've done plenty of growing up after moving across the country with the thought of a fairy tale. Anything but has come of it. When I was broken up with, I was pretty lost, and when information of even worse happenings came out, I was ready to start packing. I hear "You're brave", "you're strong", but I can't say I feel the same things about myself as others see in me. I've been on the phone with my mom almost every day since I left Tennessee, and I've cried more days than I haven't. But I can tell you one single thing that is for sure. And that..... is that I have cried enough, I have hurt enough, and I've been lost enough, to now know, that I'm not lost, I'm not in a rut, and I have so much wealth in my life.
     I had several options when I was at my lowest. My relationship many times made me feel a lack of worth, and at the worst times, I didn't want to be in the world any more. I lost God, I became blinded by love, and I was supported more than I knew I could be through it all. I sit here now, recognizing my own worth, my emotional wealth, the people I'm blessed with, and the open doors because of closed ones.
     I knew when I left TN I would have to be more outgoing than ever before, and I have been. Strong friendships take years to forge, no matter how hard you push. When something happens to someone, like happened to me, a lot of ice cream goes into the healing, a lot of tears, and a lot of support and encouragement. I'm resilient, but I do have feelings, and I do invest my soul into the people I interact with. I've heard many a time to just get over it, but that time line is extremely person specific. It's a grieving process.
     However, I can now say, I feel stronger than I have in over a year. I can't say happier, as I've had some very happy moments, but I'm making the decision to be happy, and leave the past to waste away as it will. My past may shape me, but it doesn't define me, and it can't hold me captive. I'm onto bigger and better things, better people, great opportunities, friends, and working on redefining who I am.
     So, what do you do when you don't know what to do? You do. You push forward. You take a minute to grieve, and you decide how you want your future, and come to the understanding with yourself, that you can choose your future, and it will no doubt be much more satisfying than what you thought you wanted. Even a week ago.

Signed, Jenn.

     I've pulled up this page, and I'm not full of words. I've had good times and bad times since I moved, which is very much expected. Every since being broken up with, I've had a lot of bad, and I've learned a lot about who I was actually dating, and what others think and feel about him. I still choose to believe what I've experienced with him, but I hurt very much for the life I now know he lives.
     I've struggled with my weight since I've moved here through vacations and injury, and I'm fighting to be where I want to be. I'm back with my coach, and I'm happy to have the friend and accountability that gives, but I'm no bodybuilder like the rest of the family.
     Holiday shopping and watching things change while not being with my family brings great pain. I spend a lot more days wishing I was back home; but I'm here now, and this is my home. I can't believe how fast the time has passed. 6 months has almost passed since I left, and it's been the most emotional 6 of my life thus far. I've learned so much, I've matured a lot, I've made friends, I've created a life for myself by pushing more than usual to be outgoing. I'll be home for 2 weeks in December, and I'm very excited for it!
     I have actually met "someone". But I'm spending the time to be friends right now, instead of ending up where I was. I'm satisfied with this, and very un-ready to enter any kind of romance attempt after the first. I'm jaded, and more shy than I was before. I'm still me..... just different.