Learning To Date Well. Part 1.

     Some never learn from the past, and I suppose I figured people just do. Naturally. Something hurts you, and now you change so that doesn't happen, or are more attentive to people that have those actions that hurt you so you can guard yourself. In my boredom today, I picked up a book called "Boundaries in Dating", a present I received for Christmas after my past relationship. From a recent picture, people have noticed I've been dating someone. I've jumped about 10 steps forward in my dating maturity, by choice.
     I'll start with the book. I hadn't tried to do a lot of reading other than military based, and in my efforts to grow, I decided well why not. Some things hit me with an interest, but not necessarily things I hadn't thought of. "Where there is deception, there can be no relationship." I experienced a chunk of deception round one, and I'd like to think I learned from it, but this points it out from a new way. From the view point that deception is a show stopper right then and there. "You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything." Along with "People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work." The thought that honesty is such a deciding factor on every level never really crossed my mind. Honesty is a given for me, however I never thought about it being so effecting in areas other than things that would make you think someone is being unfaithful. A last favorite that I recognize to be extremely true, is "Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy." Doesn't it though, as it can be the hardest to be open that they have hurt you, but if you are able to, and they can accept it well, you've hit a new level. He described two types of liars, and while I don't lie about these things, I've found myself keeping them quiet for his reason which is not good either. Some hold back because they're scared of the reaction that may occur, which I have done. However, on the same token, as he also states, sharing every single hiccup you feel is just plain annoying. As I said to someone today, I try to make sure I have a grip on reality before deciding if the issue is truly something that needs to be brought up.
     I find myself hurt or rationalizing the option to be hurt, over something like the person you're dating hanging out with other people. Well hold on, are they supposed to give up their life and who they are for you? No. So before I even mention it, I take a moment to think about the whole picture, and control my emotions.
     Like every other woman in the universe, my emotions can be a little more emphasized during "that", and awareness of that is like gold I tell you. Once you can identify set offs, and times you are continuously more high strung and unrealistic, you've stumbled across something that will strengthen your ability to communicate effectively and appropriately. During one of my emotional moments, a second realization came to me. Building community, maintaining even friendships, and working through relationships with teachers, family, everyone, be it successful or not, takes energy. While that should be obvious, I suppose I didn't realize how much energy is really invested, especially when the relationship is more taxing than another. So, sometimes all that energy comes to a peak, and you have a day where you just need to feel like junk. To complain a little, and then come back to reality and see that it's A-OK. I've mentioned before the line "you make friends everywhere you go" or something to that extent that gets tossed at me from time to time. I then want to tell people, I invest mounds of energy as a person to make every relationship beneficial and positive, or as much as possible. I don't work daily, but at the end of a lot of days, I'm still tired. When I do spend a day at work, school, or in a socially rich environment, I'm wiped out. Perhaps, sometimes it's not that people aren't social or aren't good at relationships (of any kind, not strictly romantic), but that they just can't invest the enormous amounts of energy it takes to be very successful at them.
     As far as learning from the past, I've worked in collaboration with some close friends and family, to not be who I was. I've met someone, though it should be stated I've also learned over the past couple of months that some times a relationship exists to learn things, not because you're going to get married in 3 years or something of the sort. Anyways, I've been able to put into place massive personality adjustments, and almost take a settings panel to myself and go through and alter the entire thing. I can identify several places I've been able to grow and change, and partly due to the other persons actions and demeanor. All I can definitely say, is that it's fascinating how much of a difference some very simple changes can make in your over all happiness and health.