Whoever is "The Man"?

     Relationships aren’t easy. It’s common knowledge that I haven’t been in any other than the one I’m currently in, and I’ve failed to maintain it once before. The first round, wasn’t really in person. It was a long distance thing, that was barely dating, but it was. Having never done the high school thing, or the college thing, where they’re like ....a warm up for the serious things, I’ve kind of just jumped into the relationship ocean, caused as many big waves as possible, and hoped I don’t drown. Currently, I’m holding onto the large piece of wood.... think Titanic here. Moving is a majorly high stress thing by itself. Now let’s add a 4 day drive with your boyfriend. Oh, and let’s add new born relationship to it too. We both had previously acknowledged that this would be a big change for us both, but didn’t know what to expect until we were swimming towards the large piece of wood. Moving has put me into not only an emotional state, but an emotionally vulnerable one, and a slight depression. The first time I moved, a large depression occurred - even though I had plenty of family with me. I’m happy I’ve been able to adjust so well, but the heightened emotions has made the relationship a massive struggle. For 2.5 weeks, I couldn’t recognize where he made effort, the effects this had on him, sacrifices he had to make, or what he really meant when he said something overly direct. Once I’ve realized what’s happening, I can now see and acknowledge these things. Changing from an internet to a face-to-face relationship, is hard. You have to learn their facial expressions, different tones, body language, energy levels, etc. I’m slowly catching these things, and he’s catching on to mine, but the amount of sacrifice and effort is phenomenal. We both admitted today that we must want this an awful lot, because we’re working excruciatingly hard to get it right. Plenty of times have I had to wait to reply to something because if I did right then, it would be an “I’m Through!!!!” haha.

     How did it start? Some are shameful of the fact that they met online, but our story is a little fun! We were both losing weight, or tracking calories on a website. His picture was a shirtless one, which grabbed my attention, and he was awfully rude towards the people on the forums, which I thought was kind of ballsy, and he knew his info. I would follow him and read his posts, and learn. I added him, we exchanged random messages, nothing I didn’t do with multiple other people there. I remember clearly that heart jump when I received an e-mail that he had sent me a message or commented on something. The thought was “The hottest dude on my list is talking to me... OMG!” I once posted a quote “You got so much definition you’re like a dictionary” or something along those lines. Not long after, he posts his first back shot, saying “An ode to you, the dictionary”.

     One day a couple months after the add, I get a message about my heart rate monitor. Brand? Cost? Reliability? That strand of messages went on a very long time. March 29, 2011, I went to a Preds game, and told him I would show him but I had no way to. All just a plan to get his number. It worked. I later found out that he could’ve cared less about the HRM, just wanted to talk to me. Sneaky nonetheless! Plus, he ended up buying one.... so not a total loss!

We texted for 8 months, then I flew out. At first, I was very taken back by him. He came across as conceited, and just ....weird. I didn’t understand his humor at all, but it made me want to figure it out. We’ve been through multiple life occurrences together. Before we ever dated, I had decided I was taken. He picked me up at the airport, we got vietnamese, and now we’re here. Communication is so important. And patience.

     I didn't move here just to be with him, in fact I remember telling my mom I didn't want to live near him because I was worried he would try to date me. The irony now! I'm glad I'm here though, he does a lot of good for me, and teaches me so many things on how to make sure those around you are happy, and to think about more than yourself, the consequences of your actions, conflict resolution, what it's like to not judge, or be judged. He gives me hugs when I'm ready to cry, he looks me in the eye and tells me it'll be ok, and it works wonders every time. I'm so glad I never lived the dating scene when I was in high school, and had plenty of time to consider what I like before I met someone. I see people lie about their interests, their pasts, and what they see in the future to impress or catch someone. Sure, things could've been faked on the internet, but they weren't. We have pet peeves about each other, or issues, what ever you choose to label them. I magically speak quieter when I'm around him, and he has an uncanny ability to take my words and turn them around. Ok, he's a lawyer, I guess that's foreseeable,  but that doesn't make it easier to handle. I observe people who are in relationships when I'm in public, the elderly and the teenage, and we're just like everyone else! However, every relationship has a history, and no one has ours, it's unique to us. No one has the man I have, and gets to experience him the way I do, and that.... is what makes it much more wonderful to experience.

Come On, Swim Before you Drown!

     I had all these words I wanted to write, and now that I'm here, I can't remember them in as awesome of depth as I had prepared. I've been going through emotional roller coasters, which strains a relationship, and strains a soul. Moving was something that knocked me into a depression 5 years ago, and while it's been much easier this time, I feel as though I quickly downplayed it's impact. I'm learning very quickly how to be proactive in the emotions of loneliness I almost always can predict, by riding my bike where people are, or just finding things that need to be done like dishes and laundry.
     I'm happy I'm here, but it'd do me good for work to come on and to get into my new place. Both of which, fortunately, are supposed to be happening within the end of the month. I've started eating meat, and I was so close to my goal weight for my cut until an eat out. I'm hoping it drops back down as I will start reverse dieting in 2 weeks. I love cutting, but I hate the lack of strength, the desire to eat that cookie and can't, and the feeling that cardio is a must.
    In my boredom, and my loneliness, I'm not nice. I get a text that's a greeting to start my day, and I'm thinking "why aren't you saying more" or, "why don't you ask about my day" etc, instead of the appreciation that I got the text. I look at everything said negatively unless it's deliberate encouragement, and I have no appreciation for the amount of time the only person I have spends with me. I can't stand that it's who I come out as right now, and I hate that I can't change my actions in the moment.
     Travis and I went to the place our first date was, not in a moment of reminiscing and sentimentality, but because their food was awesome. Sure, to me, it meant something, but he'd been there multiple times since I left, so it wasn't much to him. But anyways, in this picture, I saw the person I was when I was at my old gym, and the person I remember as the fun, happy, go get it Jenn.

     I remember driving through Wyoming, and in my exhaustion, and stress, and slight frustration, the words "Our first sunset together" came out of that mans mouth. It's so obvious to me that I'm the problem in my own way, in our way, and in every way, but it's so hard to fix it. I went to see Katy Perry's movie yesterday, and she said something like "I have this idea, that if you give it your all and you go for what you want, it will be successful. But I gave it everything I should've, and did everything I should've, and it still didn't work." It was just something that reminded me, that you can't always make things what you want them. Yea, you can try, but that doesn't mean that it's always going to happen or work how you want. I sometimes fall into the same trap of thinking, and when something doesn't turn out as I thought it was going to, because I tried to make it as hard as I could, I feel as though I failed, I didn't give enough, or I should've done more. When it doesn't. always. Work.

The Waiting Game.

     Fortunately, at this point, I'm doing OK. Sure, financially I'm freaking out on the inside, but I feel like I'm home, just like I was in TN. I applied for a dining aid at an assisted living place, which I would love as it's slower paced but still the people, and I'm still waiting to hear from my Ruby T, and I applied many other places, but those are the two I'd like the most.
     My parents have left, I don't have a job, I move in 3 weeks to Salem, and I know no one in my town. It's the 4th, and I wish I had people to cook out with, but it can't all be perfect. I was going to go for a bike ride, but my crazy french valved tires aren't cooperating with being filled. I might make a cheesecake, or go for a walk, or just be lazy. I feel like I'm always lazy if I'm not working or working out, but again, it can't all be perfect. I'm going to keep on pressing the two jobs I desire the most, and keep applying. There's something out there somewhere waiting for me, and I'm going to find it.
     This next move I feel will be much harder than the first. Not in friendlessness, or joblessness, but in the actual move. The move to Salem will be the last for a long time, and I'll have to set up internet, electronics, shelves, arrange furniture, unpack everything, and finish the moving process for good. I don't want to imply that this scares me or something, but it's stuff I can't do alone. I can't attach the shelves to the walls, I can't move furniture alone so well, and unpacking is a massive emotional and time consuming feat. I have to call movers, power companies, cable companies, and repack anything I've unpacked before I leave for Sacramento the 23. I know it will get done, and Travis is there to help on the other end receiving and unpacking, but still a lot to get done.
     I feel though, as soon as a job is settled, much peace will be found. A job is an outlet to meet people, a means to a living, and a time filler. All of those are things I need right now, so it's my biggest concern. I go to a gym in Salem, I know people here in Oregon, and I don't feel completely lonely. I also have a new stereo to do my dancing alone, I have a kitchen table to fill that space in my new place, and I have a back up plan if money doesn't come through. Though I want more than anything to be able to succeed at supporting myself. My parents are positive it's going to happen, and I'm just pushing on doing what I can to make it so.
     My relationship with Travis has meshed better than I thought, though I still thought it would mesh well before I started the move, once we started it together, I wasn't sure where it was going to go. Words like "we'll try" were used rather than the "let's do it" that I was used to. However now, we seem well adjusted to having the other person much closer, and the limitations placed on our time via work and just life in general. A healthy balance is fast in the making, and the adjustment from all texting to actual physical time is going well. We play disk golf, hit the gym, eat, things "normal" people would do that we've never really gotten to do together.
     Now to adjust to living spending less than I'm used to. Not that I was a major spender before, but just have to learn to be careful. A great opportunity before I have to do it permanently.

Blessings and Tears.

     I feel as though, my life is in a normal for the next about month. I have a home, a TON of food, I've rearranged so you can walk, we set up my bed, I'm supposed to start work this week, and I know where I'll be tomorrow. And next month. I can eat to hit my macros, I can workout when I want, and I can get on Bodybuilding when I feel friendless. I'm settled for now, but in exactly 3 weeks, I have to pack up again, and move to Salem. While this hurts my wallet, I'll be in a great location just like now, and in a place my parents and I are more comfortable with.
     Tuesday my parents head back to TN, and while I'm very sad I won't have them here, I'm not jealous of being there. It's SO hot there, and not even 70 here. I'm very happy with the decision I made, but I know very well that there will be mood swings very quickly until I find people that remember my name, and that I can get to know. It's the same when you move anywhere, but this is the first time I've moved away from the people I know. Sure, I have a boyfriend that will be 5 miles from me, but he has a life too. He works, and has family and friends. I have to find those things for myself here. I cry, and I'm happy, and I just try to change what I'm doing when I find myself feeling down.
     My parents pulled out the blessing bomber this weekend. I wasn't expecting anything as I shared with them the different things I have arranged and the circumstances. My new gym doesn't allow the use of their stereo system, and I used the Y's to dance alone. I planned to take the money they will give me back after doing 10 cardio classes and buying some speakers for my phone. Also, restocking all the food I've used up so I could move, is expensive. Third, I'm unpacking as little as I can as I have to repack in 3 weeks. Fourth, my new place has a fan over the dining room for your dining room table, which I never had since I use my computer desk. The next day, my parents told me they were taking me to buy what ever food I wanted, a kitchen table, and a stereo to dance with. I was in such shock, and overly thankful for their blessings. I never saw it coming. You know how sometimes you tell your parents something in hopes they'll get it for you since you can't, or they'll help you out? I've done it. We've probably all done it. This wasn't that, this was me sharing how things are going and coming, and they just surprised me.
     On a random note, we all know I met my BF online about 19 months ago. No one except me had met him in person until the 20th of June, 2012. When meeting someone online, that in person contact with people you know is vital. It brings an accountability for their actions, and it gives you a chance to get others' opinions on this person as well. Even before they met him, my parents adored Travis. I knew they would like him, but I had no idea it would be this much. They talk about it a lot, and he likes them as well. It's a great feeling to have the approval of those so close to you, but it definitely has taken me by surprise. Another helpful part of it, is that my mom can watch him, and hear him, and get to know him, and she's able to make educated assessments of what's really going on, or alternative ways things may be meant as she knows how he acts and thinks.