Come On, Swim Before you Drown!

     I had all these words I wanted to write, and now that I'm here, I can't remember them in as awesome of depth as I had prepared. I've been going through emotional roller coasters, which strains a relationship, and strains a soul. Moving was something that knocked me into a depression 5 years ago, and while it's been much easier this time, I feel as though I quickly downplayed it's impact. I'm learning very quickly how to be proactive in the emotions of loneliness I almost always can predict, by riding my bike where people are, or just finding things that need to be done like dishes and laundry.
     I'm happy I'm here, but it'd do me good for work to come on and to get into my new place. Both of which, fortunately, are supposed to be happening within the end of the month. I've started eating meat, and I was so close to my goal weight for my cut until an eat out. I'm hoping it drops back down as I will start reverse dieting in 2 weeks. I love cutting, but I hate the lack of strength, the desire to eat that cookie and can't, and the feeling that cardio is a must.
    In my boredom, and my loneliness, I'm not nice. I get a text that's a greeting to start my day, and I'm thinking "why aren't you saying more" or, "why don't you ask about my day" etc, instead of the appreciation that I got the text. I look at everything said negatively unless it's deliberate encouragement, and I have no appreciation for the amount of time the only person I have spends with me. I can't stand that it's who I come out as right now, and I hate that I can't change my actions in the moment.
     Travis and I went to the place our first date was, not in a moment of reminiscing and sentimentality, but because their food was awesome. Sure, to me, it meant something, but he'd been there multiple times since I left, so it wasn't much to him. But anyways, in this picture, I saw the person I was when I was at my old gym, and the person I remember as the fun, happy, go get it Jenn.

     I remember driving through Wyoming, and in my exhaustion, and stress, and slight frustration, the words "Our first sunset together" came out of that mans mouth. It's so obvious to me that I'm the problem in my own way, in our way, and in every way, but it's so hard to fix it. I went to see Katy Perry's movie yesterday, and she said something like "I have this idea, that if you give it your all and you go for what you want, it will be successful. But I gave it everything I should've, and did everything I should've, and it still didn't work." It was just something that reminded me, that you can't always make things what you want them. Yea, you can try, but that doesn't mean that it's always going to happen or work how you want. I sometimes fall into the same trap of thinking, and when something doesn't turn out as I thought it was going to, because I tried to make it as hard as I could, I feel as though I failed, I didn't give enough, or I should've done more. When it doesn't. always. Work.