Cutting Has Finally Started!

     As I've made clear, I've waited for this day for months. While I don't enjoy the sluggishness, and occasional headaches, I love not being stuffed, and being able to go in public. I'm not in short supply of cash by any means, however the reason I'm not, is because the money is being saved to move, thus I don't need to touch it, leading to me not buying clothes and not having any that fit. Which is why I'm not going to church today, and wear sweatpants to school most days. I'm not ashamed of my body, I'm just uncomfortable.
     Yesterday was the actual first day, and I thought it would never end. My workout was long, I was weak, and tired. I had PLENTY of food, but still just in the ditches. When I got to work, I was exhausted, and had several tables, a good half or so of which didn't seem to like me, and while I made money, it was rough and I teared up on multiple occasions. Then I needed gas..... on an upside, I got 40 cents off per gallon, on a down side, my card keeps getting denied because gas stations hold money to pre-authorize. Grr. I then remembered there was a power lifting meet going on in the mall where I was, and jumped over to catch the last of the Deadlifts, almost all of which were failed attempts. In my mind, I want to be damn sure I have my lifts before hitting a meet, as nerves would ruin me!
     I'm now hitting day two, and working a double. I almost feel guilty about lying around until noon, and then I rationalize that I'll be on my feet 6-8 hours today, and I'm already in a deficit :) Myself, along with friends are kind of excited to see what, if any, progress I've made with my body. I feel like I have, but I might've only put on a pound of muscle, leaving me pretty much looking the same as I did before I started, in January. ....Now to work on keeping my eyes open as I adjust to lowered carbs -_-

Life Decisions Aren't Ever Easy.

     I love Tennessee. It's weather is perfection, I know how to get around, I've made friends that love me, I have a great job, I have parents here, I have a normal. I'm, like many, a creature of habit. Once thrown out of that, I'm anxious and uncomfortable sometimes, and I'm about to turn my normal and habits upside down. 8... I think 8, weeks until I leave, and a lot of moments, I think "I don't want to go." because I have so much here that I'm leaving.
     I realize people would probably be happy if I stayed, rather than thinking I'm a liar, but if I don't go, I feel as though I would regret that decision and always wonder what would've happened... There's a lot of great things there, and a chance to really become the adult people always see me as. My age/mind connection is normal to me, and to me, what I'm doing, is what eighteen yr olds do. I can see that plenty aren't like myself, but it doesn't make me feel like I'm not 18. However, when something large, like leaving everything comes up, and others really see someone that's not 18, I see myself as 18 more than ever. It occurs to me, that I'm very young, and to go far away, alone, isn't something someone my age does. If I stayed, I'd have more money than I could ever need when I step out of college.
     I went to work at 4:30 yesterday, clocked out at 7:30, hung out until 9:00, got asked to go pick something up, and in return I'd be clocked in another 2 hours, got back, and stood and talked to a chef for 2 hours, until 11:45. In that moment, when we were talking, I realize how much I love my life. Sure, I feel fat half the time, and I have rough days at work where I'm taking 5 hour energies, but in the end, I love my normal, and my atmosphere, and I constantly am worried I won't be able to regain that there. Then an inkling of a thought comes to me.... I look back at the blogs I made while I was there, and I realize that I made 4 friends in the 8 days I was there. That's more than I've made in my 10 months here.
     My mind is a busy one. I still struggle with past relationships, my relationship with food, my desires versus what needs to happen, normalish human things.
     Saturday, my dad and I are going to see Bela Flek and the Flektones! Preview? :)

One Chapter Ends Because You Ran Out of Ink.

     It's finally here. After 3.5 months of over eating, not having a self esteem, and being ready to call it quits, I'm on my final week of gaining. This will be my first ever official Deload, and I'm more than ready for it! In my first official bulk, I:

• Added 5 lb to my curls. Now 55lb.
• I learned how to deadlift
• I learned proper squat form
• I learned proper bench form
• I improved all ranges of motion on all lifts
• I learned to listen to my body when it's tired

     Success at it's best. There of course have been big pitfalls here and there, and I have a lot of bad days.... But I made it. I didn't give up, and I persevered!

     I'm now 8.5 weeks from leaving every comfortable thing I have, and hitting the unknown. I'm excited, but I'm scared too. I'm 3 weeks away from being out of college for a year, which I am very excited about. I'm 3 weeks away from being a full time worker, also very ready for that. Lastly, I'm 1 week away from cutting and regaining my enthusiasm for life and people. So much is coming in the soon future that I'm ready to hit head on!

     I found out there's a way for me to be able to dance more, and I'm definitely embracing it! It keeps me happy, and feeling great, and I can't stay away.

It's Pancake Saturday! Nothing like Chocolate Covered Cranberry Pancakes :)

I Hate Coupons.

     Coupons save money, but they bring the wrath of a stampede with them. 8 nights in a row the restaurant I work at has been over run with coupon bearing people. I pray when Opry Mills opens next weekend that they steal service. We're actually closed today because we're out of food and too tired to work. I've been rolling silverware on the spot the past two nights because people didn't have any. I've seen servers or managers crying daily, I've seen cold food served, and workers from other restaurants come to try and save us. While they weren't knights in shining armor, we would've been so much worse without them. I've never worked so much in my life, and I'm ok with that! I've been making great money, but I'm so tired. I've had failed gym trips, killer leg and back pain, and sleep deprivation. People think "try working 60 hours a week!" Hey why don't you try working where I do? The workers are great, but when you're immensely under-staffed, there's no way to be successful. It's beyond me why we seem to be the only store getting hit like this. It all started with me, Sunday night. I picked up a shift making my day a double, and within an hour I had 10 tables simultaneously. I was saved by managers, as I was the only server in the entire front of house. But since then, it's been the same way every night. Last night I was a busser and I had 3 tables. Bussers buss, they don't serve. I can't leave the servers to drown though, especially since I know how it feels. That's like when I get a server as a customer and they tip badly. Wait wut?? Not appropriate! It makes me want to go give them no tip and see how they feel. No hypocrite here though. Maybe that's why I don't eat out :)
     I have 3 tests in school this week, none of which have been studied for, and a chapter of homework due in spanish tomorrow night. Oh I made a lunch date tomorrow, and a tanning date, and I have 3 friends coming from out of town this weekend. I can admit though, that I am beyond happy I work and have a job. For one, it's liberating to deposit money you made into an account, and for two, I sit around when I don't work, and that's awful to me.
     I met with my mother yesterday to work on move semantics.... This is going to be strategic, and a process, but it will be an adventure in the end. There's so many details to figure out, and packing to be done, and nerves to be calmed, and school to be finished.
     And this, my friends, is the story of how I make it through my life.

Shake It Out.

I came in here ready to write, and then I saw my first page with that Dr. Suess quote.

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's Not.

     I'm choosing to care in my relationships, because some of them are hard on me sometimes. Or a lot of times. However, I'm learning that there are situations, where no matter how hard and much I care, I can't help it get any better. BUT then there are those great instances, where I care and exert effort, and the return is amazing for us both. That's when I'm reminded why it is I care. I spend a lot of days frustrated, but only on the inside. I know what people expect to see from me, and that's the smile I almost always have. One or two can tell you how my day's been, and one or two can tell that I'm at my ropes end. But more often than not my illusion is bought. There are some days though, where I don't even go for the illusion, I simply let it be known I'm dying on the inside. Which is exactly how the title of this blog came to be.. within community, I'm a lively and happy person. These days, that comes in the form of interaction with the cooks at work. One thing about that place, that I've never experienced in such a way, is a kind of unconditional understanding and love. No matter how mad I am, how hurt I am, or how frustrated I get, it's all better the next time I'm there. We just shake it out and hit the ground for another go. That's where I learn. Not everyone can go into the next day acting like something never happened and just letting it go. In most cases I can do that well! Every now and again, I need what happened to be acknowledged and handled. Usually I can't get anyone to do that though.

     

     I'm so happy to be back into my routine, at school, working out, and in life in general. It's supposed to be 80 here today, and I'm hoping to hit the trails on my bike. I need to move a little. Not to mention the 2 massive jonny cakes I ate at midnight :)

     Just so it's clear, I AM scared to move. I DO doubt my ability to support myself. And I DO pray a lot that God will provide money so I'm not living in fear.

Quotes That Change A Mind.

     I'm struggling. Won't hide it, won't pretend. Don't really want to talk about it though; probably because I'd feel judged, even though I know people won't judge me. I went to see a Dr. Suess movie to get a mental break from myself and smile. I think the Whoville people were so darn cute. These weren't as cute, but they did sing, which I thought was fun. At the end, however, there was a quote that followed the word "Unless" throughout the movie.

"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

     This... is why I care. This is why deep down, I want others to care. I can't change someone's circumstances, or who they choose to become. It takes them caring to make things get better and going the way they want. I can't completely control my relationships. It takes both sides caring, and if both don't a whole awful lot, the bad won't ever be made good. That "UNLESS" gives hope. There's a chance for things to get better. I realize caring isn't always the bandaid or the stitches, but you have to start somewhere. If the obese person in your personal space doesn't care they're in your space, and aren't caring that they're affecting others, they're going to stay obese.

"You must, You must think I'm strong, to give me what I'm going through. Well forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own. ... I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be, I give up... I'm not strong enough. Hands of Mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough."

      That sums up my feelings for a while. God must think I'm a brick house, because there are so many times I look at my thoughts, and I look at what I have to push on through (knowing it's not nearly as bad as some) and I think "what is he thinking" .... maybe he's thinking "she will HAVE to have me to get through this. So I'll wait and see if she chooses Me, or the struggle." I'd say lately it's about half and half. I'm quickly learning I'll suffer if I try to go at it alone.

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness we have in our lives." -C.S. Lewis

I have no comment on that, other than I've found it to be true.

     These are the things that have recently struck me deeply.

Here Goes A Little Thing Called LIFE!

     Well world. I'm ready! I've been dipping my toes in here and there, but I think I'll just hop in and sink or swim now! This day, has been epic. Reasons I can't completely enclose, but epic. As I spread earlier, I'm moving to Oregon beginning of June. Don't know how it's going to go, or where it will take me, but I'll be on some road to something, that's for sure! Money? Have to learn to manage it. Boyfriend? No not back together. Parents? Yes, sad to leave them. Work? Requesting a transfer. School? Taking the year off. Some days I'm scared, and some I dream about all the possibilities that are in the future.
     Work out life? Still loving having a coach, and really loving getting to know another person. I'm generally pretty good at keeping up with people once a stage of life ends, so when I'm quite involved, I like to know everything I can about them. As time goes on, I'll keep asking about those things. I signed up for 3 more months, while I still have money to do so. I'm still bulking my little muscle out, heart counts too, it's a muscle. We (yes, it was collaborative) decided I WILL get to cut for summer after all. I do realize some would be content with the physique I already have, but I have bigger aspirations than what the average may want. I want numbers that surprise people. Right now, they surprise me. Some day it'll be someone else too though. I'm 2 months in, 7 pounds up, and I definitely know I'm 7lbs up. Boobs, butt, thighs, whoa! But it's ok, I'm trusting the process. Which, has taken quite awhile to adjust to, especially after working years to lose it. I eat. I eat a lot. I lift 4 days, and I make Personal Records every time I'm at the gym. And Surprising ones at that. I'll be back to gaining come fall, when sweaters are in fashion ;-) This makes me want to get the most out of the next 4-6wks, and kill it though. I say over and over when someone says "you always work out hard...." Well, nothing good was ever accomplished without a lot of effort.
     School? It's spring break kids. I'll be working, don't worry. No roofies and vodka for me. Definitely no bikinis, haha. I've done adequately thus far. A couple weeks work got in the way, but this week I've had a minute to breathe and I'm liking it.