What's the Plan? Let's Go.

     As I was driving home from work last night, something occurred that made me think to myself "When someone chooses to exit your life, they don't understand the impact it has on you." Then I quickly also realized, I wonder if I'm doing that to anyone in this process. My word choice there is crucial. Chooses to Exit. We're not talking about keeping in touch, we're talking about making a conscious decision to not be part of someone's life. While I'm not deliberately choosing to unfriend anyone, I very well know from my last long distance move, that this will be inevitable and it's ok. I'm not good at keeping in touch with people that don't make an effort to keep in touch as well, and I don't care to chase people to hear how they're doing when they have no desire to share it with me. I lurk, facebook stalk people to keep up with their lives, but there isn't always something to be said. ..I'm just rambling.
     Today is my last down day before the partying starts, thank God. Yesterday was great; I hit the gym with a friend, packed a ton with my mom, the whole ...eating lunch on the floor because everywhere is covered with crap awesomeness, worked and enjoyed it. Tomorrow, I work twice and I lift, Sunday I work and my parents are coming over to pack all my electronics, and it's my last day here. Monday, I pick up the moving truck, wash towels and bedding, pack anything left, dance, lift, fix my car insurance, Tuesday the movers come to move everything into my truck, I lift, I dance, I tan. Wednesday, I lift, I get to clean the whole apartment and do a walk through to make sure it's clean, and I pick up Travis who is driving with me, then a farewell dinner with the most special people to me. Thursday morning, I lift and leave. It'll take 4 days to drive, we'll stop in Kansas City, Missouri, Sidney NE, and Twin Falls Idaho. None of which I've ever been to. I'll end in Portland, Or, spending the night with my brother, then heading down Monday morning to get my keys and move in! My parents and friend from AU come in Tuesday, so the only thing I will get unpacked most likely, is my bed and my kitchen. My parents are rushing off to WA while I hang with my friend, then they come back to hang things and set up my TV, etc. As soon as they leave, I start work at my new job, so who knows when unpacking will occur. Not sure when internet will happen or anything like that. But groceries will quickly be bought, and a shower curtain! Protein bars and powerade zero have been bought, casein has been weighed, trying to be good.
     To my excitement, work, the grocery store, the bus stop, home depot, and starbucks are all within walking distance. Also, there are 3 vegetarian restaurants within 2 miles. Epicness. As far as my cut, it's of course still on, un sure how I'll do through the 2 weeks of madness, but last time I was in OR, I lost 2lb, so who knows! That was including a voodoo donuts trip ;) My excitement is strong. Just anticipation shadowing me!

11 Days From a New Life.

     My emotions at this moment, are fine; I feel normal. When I debated moving before, then decided not to, I thought it'd be hard for me, that I'd be very sad, scared, something, yet.... I'm just like always right now. I've seen through some of my actions and words that I'm stressed, I don't feel stressed, but I'll randomly go off on someone etc, and I don't know why. In 10 days, this will all change, I'll be confronted with the faces of those that have meant so much to me for years. Some for 19 years, some for 3 years, and all the same, I'll have to say bye to a safe and comfortable place in my life.
     There are things about here I won't miss, like the daily reminder of how many people are dying on the roads, my manager, and people slowing down when it rains. There's so much more that I will miss though. The amazing weather, the massive men at the gym that wait for me to finish my DL so they can give me a hug, the lake right outside my house, the warm sound of the interstate that puts me to sleep, seeing someone at the gas station I know, dancing, knowing the lay out of my grocery stores, cheap gas, pumping my own gas, family... I don't know what to look forward to there quite yet, except the friendliness of the people, and the ability to walk where I want to go, but I know that everything has fallen into place for this move to happen, which means there's something good waiting for me on the other side.
     I once worried about lack of income, loneliness, being forgotten, and just being ignorant, having to relearn how to get places, what things were, all the stuff that you learn after being somewhere. However now, I'm at peace that income will be there, friends will be found, those that need to will remember me, and I'll quickly become accustomed to where I am, and where I'm going. I think of this year as an adventure, an experiment, and a toe dipped in the water of independence. A fair portion of my life I've felt as though I skipped and missed out on my chance to be a teenager, yet I don't like to be thought of as one, and I choose to make my decision as though I'm not one. This is exactly where I am now; I'm almost 19, I'm not out of school, yet I'm leaving school, family, comfortability, and safety to go be my own person.
     Sure, I'm my own person now, I pay for my training, my gyms, my extra food, my hair cuts, but nothing large. I often think to myself, if I were given the chance to succeed, I would. Because I want to. This comes to mind in my work. When I get cut at work after an hour, I wasn't ever given the chance to make money, please customers, and enjoy the company of strangers. However when I am given the opportunity to work, people get the chance to enjoy conversation that doesn't remind them they've had a bad day, I'm given the chance to succeed, and I do.
     This next week, while the first half looks excruciatingly boring to me, it won't go slowly, and before I blink, I'll be across the country, with a new job, no parents around, going through the same learning experience I did at 17, on a larger scale. I have back up if I fail financially, I have friends 1.5 hours away that love me, and I have the ability to talk to those at home. Gotta love technology! This coming week, I'll spend some time with my mom, doing what she likes to do; going to the salon. I'll have a friend from BB.com come to meet me from Atlanta, I'll pack electronics, I'll pack my beloved kitchen, I'll pick up a moving truck, say bye to my washer and dryer, train my heart out, dance till I die, watch my life go into a moving truck, and clean more than I ever want to.

Farewell Dear Sanity.

     

     Well, after getting next week's work schedule with 12 hours, I snapped. I was in the car with my mom, and told her that I was very tempted to make my move still, even after going back and forth and having decided to stay. I started making calls, getting excited, and to my surprise, all the doors were still open for me to be able to go (thanks God). I honestly don't know how I got the date decided, but I chose to drive out June 21. June 19, 2007, I moved here and almost exactly 5 years later I'll be heading out. The reason a commercial moving company was going to be used last time, was the inability of my parents to drive a truck across the country. In an effort to save thousands (~3k) I decided to fly someone from OR to drive over with me. Between now and the 18th I have to pack and cancel all services I use (like Comecast), and close out my life in TN. The 17th is my last day at work, the 18th I pick up my truck and pack my kitchen, the 19th, the movers come to load my truck, the 20th driver 2 arrives, and the 21st we head out for what we think will be a three day drive.
     Between Thursday and Friday, I rented the truck, cancelled my lease on my current apartment, got an apartment in Corvallis, OR, scheduled movers in Tn, gave my 2 week notice, bought the other driver's plane ticket, talked to Comcast, scheduled my groupon (so I didn't lose it), locked my keys in my car- losing $75, and lost my plane tickets I had scheduled- losing $575. Now.... I sort through my stuff, use all the food I can, pack, and try to stay calm about the amount of money flying out of my bank account. That's probably what scares me the most, as I'll have to support myself when I get there.
     On the training front, cut is going along still. I've been at 120 for over two weeks now, and thus a macro drop was in order. I'm surprised majorly at the progress I've made already, and I'm even more excited to get the scale moving again and see what else I posses! When I move, I don't know how training will go, if I'll get to stick with 3dmj at first, or what, but I'll of course be training diligently.
     I have to say, people Im sure are thinking about my going back and forth and such, but there are several people who are very supportive. One, my friend Eric, backed me, and made sure I knew it was a healthy decision. Two, my dad, who was frustrated about the changing of my mind last minute, but felt completely that this was what I was supposed to do. Three, my best bud Debbie, who already is planning to spend Thanksgiving with me. Who has friends like me? Few.

Realization of Being Friendless.

As known, I went to Mi this weekend to hang out with the same guy that came down to Tn not long ago. I honestly didn't exactly know what I was getting into other than working out, eating Ice cream, and meeting a second team member.
When I got there, I met more people than I ever expected to. Friends, family, clients, the works. We went out to eat, to motor cross races, to the gym, anything. There's multiple reasons I always hate going home from trips, and this shoved in my face the largest one. I hang out with no one, I don't socialize, and all I do is work or workout. Even when I want to do other things, I don't know people to do them with. I go on trips and people have friends they grew up with or have known for years. I want that with such a passion, but all I see are drinkers, or those with little ambition, those that don't want to work; the people that won't push you towards something better than you are. I honestly hate it. While I understand eating out can get in my way with my hobby, how about a WO partner, or someone that has a hobby of their own they pursue that I can support?
This trip made me want to look at how much I work and make a decision to spend time with people, except that i lack those people. I feel as though in many areas of my life I'm being forced to practice patience. I'm not terrible at it, but as with most, it's a weak area for me. Sometimes people need time, or in this case, the desired outcome takes time to develop and cannot fulfill instant gratification desires. The worst part about patience, is that even after embracing it, the desired outcome may. Not be achieved. Not that instant gratification always comes through, but you didn't invest effort into it, therefore you don't lose much when it's a fail.
The Michigan chronicles will continue, I'm sure of it. I could take an hour and tell you about everyone that I encountered and the actuality of who they were versus who they look like or what I pegged them as.

You Never Know What Could've Happened.

     Part of my personality, is that I want to experience everything I possibly can. When I was younger, my parents would do something fun for us, take us somewhere, etc. then I would ask "Why can't we do..... too" (or something within context), leaving my parents feeling as though I didn't appreciate what they had given me or just allowed me to experience, when in reality, I just wanted to experience everything I possibly could. It's nice when your mom turns counselor, gives her a new outlook on your responses. I've heard of children not wanting to have a pastor as a parent, a counselor as a parent, law enforcement, etc. But I've found to have my mom be a counselor, she looks at things from an angle other than one of being my mom, and is capable of giving objective advice in my life situations.
     This personality trait is what makes making decisions hard for me. Like moving; I want to be able to experience both of the places and know the outcome when I chose either. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. I'd need a time machine to fulfill my complete curiosities, which of course I don't have. I had a bump in the road that made me rethink my decision to uproot, and when I started rethinking the pros/cons for either place, it was mentally exhausting. I got so overwhelmed with it, I said "easy way out please!" and decided to just stay. I'll always wonder what would've happened if I left, and I would've always wondered what would've been if I stayed.
     Part of the hard thing about staying, is my job. I love the people, but the fact that I spend time exerting effort, and make just about nothing, is extremely frustrating to me. I leave wanting to hit a punching bag because I feel as though I'm completely wasting my time. I want to, and did apply elsewhere, but when I approached my supervisor about this, she said "make the schedule you want, and I'll give it to you." Unfortunately, unless I'm hourly, I'm really not going to make much. We've become so slow it's absurd, and it's just... a waste of time.
     The things that make me happy I'm staying, are the relationships I've formed here that I will get to maintain. The weather here is amazing, while it rains a lot there. And, I don't have to pack, unpack, spend money, etc. While I would've made so much more there, I would've spent all my earnings the first year and not have been able to save until the second, which I still probably would've been able to save more than I will now, but the decision is made, and I just have to have faith that this one will take me somewhere wonderful. I've been saving very diligently for 7 months now to be able to move, and the fact that I don't have to put out the money to move, means I can get a couple things I've really wanted. I got to buy 3 pairs of tennis shoes, and the cinnamon bun protein i've wanted to try for months as well.
     My love for the state of Oregon will always be there, and since I was very much looking forward to being there, the end of June I'll be there for a vacation, taking in, and closing out that mini dream in life. I can't say I think it's going to be a completely fun and care free trip, as I feel like it will be a little bit of sadness realizing what I left behind, but there's always something better ahead. Something here I wouldn't have been able to have there, and there will always have been things there I couldn't have here. As I continue to mature, I evolve and understand how principles of life work, and my personality traits involved in such matters mature as well.

There's More To Life Than Me.

     I'm young, and I have experienced only a few of the personalities and people that exist in this world. I've found some normal, some that could use improvement, and then those that you couldn't even imagine up yourself they're so perfectly made. Some moments, I think to myself "I don't ever want to date or be taken, this way I can completely enjoy every person in their entirety that I meet and am blown away by." Now I know this isn't going to happen, but it is still appealing. However I also know you should be able to enjoy them just the same taken or not. Life presents us with endless opportunities to cease, and I like to cease everyone I possibly can.

     This weekend a body builder from my lifting group came in from out of town, and it happened at the end of a frustrating and long week. My weight wasn't doing what I expected it to, work is slow and I'm making very little money, I'm comparing myself to lifters feeling inadequate and weak, and I needed to get my mind off of ...me. Yes, I said it. I was thinking about all the negative things in my own life, and I needed to be able to engage in someone else's life and spend some time off of me. I'm not saying I don't engage in general, I'm known at work for my nosey-ness. I like to know what's going on in people's lives and how they're doing.

     He didn't get in until 9:30 Saturday, which, everyone knows night time isn't my thing. Usually. I let go of my cutting thoughts, went to Buffalo Wild Wings for the first time in my life, enjoyed it, didn't fall asleep either. We hit Red Box, got a movie (which I didn't have to pick), definitely fell asleep through that. Sunday, I took the morning off, made epic pancakes (first person to stay over that doesn't sleep until 10), drove to Jackson, drove back. Come 1, hunger impinged and Chipotle and Ben & Jerry's were consumed. By then, it was time for him to hit the road home, and me to breathe before I went to work.

     So all in all, not like we went to an amusement park, or a $100 dinner, or did something that was absolutely mind blowing, but I got to spend time with another person, and learn about them. As my "About Me" says, I don't carry much of a social life, which as it also says, I don't mind. However, I still enjoy those times like those 18 hours where I forget that I'm dieting, or that I only DL 145, or that I work and make little money.

Just When I Feel I've Lost My Sanity, God Finds It.

     Not long ago, I was split down the middle as to whether the whole moving thing was for me or not. I love my job, I'm making friends, I can save money I make here, already have in-state tuition discounts, I have a life here. (and a couple other factors.) I saw these things, the opportunity to graduate college sitting on a pile of cash, the comfort of having friends, a steady job, and being near family, and I quickly questioned whether I was making the right decision, and how I would be looked at or thought of if I didn't go as I has said I was. I met with my parents to find out what kind of money expenditure we're realistically looking at, and what was going to have to happen in order for me to go. That meeting was a scary one; I'll be in $2,000 of debt to them, they'll spend money, and it's just quite a task to organize as well. So many things made it an easy out to stay here, but I started to see things here shift, and doors feel as though they were closing. An option had been to stay a few more months, build up some more money, then head out. However, when I talked to my apartment company, my rent was going to sky rocket if I did. Even if I signed a year lease, we're at almost $700 for one person. That's ridiculous, and I see no reason to ask my parents to pay such a thing. Next, management at worked changed; from the ones I really enjoyed, to the old manager who isn't my favorite. I still love my job, and I will miss it so very much, but it was one more thing of permanent change here that made me not want to be here.
     I made the decision to continue on the road I had strived for since October/11. While my motivation then, was a man, after visiting the state, I decided man or not that was a place I wanted to experience. I love change, challenge, and adventure. While I do love the security here, the more steps I lay to leave, the more doors open and opportunities knock me away. I've found a school, I'm getting a job transfer, people I know there and on the West Coast are popping up with excitement, and a very dear friend from AU is coming to meet me. I made the call last night to the Ruby Tuesday 20 minutes from the school I chose, and I was pleasantly surprised when the district director answered. I've planned from the start to have two jobs, never questioned it. I've been very worried about supporting myself, until that phone call. I told her what I do at my store, how long I've worked there, etc, and she asked if serving was what I wanted to do. I told her my first question was that stores sales, she told me they were double ours, and I said front of house please! It only got better; she informed me that in the Western most states, servers are paid $8.80+ tips. Here, I'm paid nothing if my tips add up to minimum wage or higher. I didn't know what to say except thank you multiple times.
     Mini cutting update.... weight is taking forever to move. I'm over it now, but it'd be cool if it went a little faster. I feel like a boss though, which is more important to me than a number.
    Lastly, I'm taking a little summer vacation! I realize I'm moving and that's a vacation in itself, however I love to travel and the opportunity for cheap travel arose! I'm going to visit someone I much enjoy in MI, and meet people that lift with the same group as I. Not to mention my dream to eat at a Ruth's Chris will be fulfilled.
     I've heard this song a thousand times, and I love me some Phil Whickham, but in light of my strong worries, I heard this driving home the other day, and I just smiled.